What Stupid Thing Is Trending Now? (7/9/2017)

What is everyone on your social media feed up in arms about today? Right now, it's this:

Putting a "DO NOT TOUCH" sign on a piece of space equipment is like putting a "DO NOT EAT" sign on a piece of cake: it will be immediately touched/eaten/both. Honestly, it's encouraging that VP Pence showed some restraint here. If you put me next to that thing I'd be feeling it up like an awkward date at a movie theater. Just going to town on that thing while screaming, "You can't tell me what to do, mom!" A better sign to keep Mike Pence's hands away would have been, "WARNING: Some engineers happen to be gay, ergo, a gay person might have helped construct this equipment. So if you don't want gay cooties, stay back!"

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It started like any other day. Chelsea went to a harmless looking vegan cafe, her mind on the mundane details of her life. Her food arrived, and the world seemed to make at least some sort of sense. Then, uninvited, a small child ran into view. The toddler rejected the vestiges of mankind, wearing nothing but a thick layer of dirt on their feet. Without further warning, the child leapt atop a table, and bent over, displaying their butthole. Chelsea reeled. Was she awake? Did the organic weed cookies just now kick in? Then, the sound of yodeling interrupted her introspection. She looked for the source, in a daze, and saw another child, staring and warbling like a stricken bird. It felt like the rejected television premise of a senile David Lynch. Hands quaking, Chelsea knew not what else to do but to share her experience in a two star Facebook review.

For most, this would be where the story ended. But not for Chelsea. The vegan cafe struck back, rebuking Chelsea for her insolence. "I am going to start calling out names and pictures of people who leave us bad reviews... We're starting with Chelsea!" they cried on Facebook. Then, Chelsea's world was a flurry of #ButtHoleGate hashtags, a furious vegan restaurant explaining their children's toilet training on their public page, and even after all that, Chelsea's tofurky sausage had been mediocre at best.

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Not only is China on the path to kick our ass with renewable energy, they're making it adorable, the bastards. The Panda Power Plant in Datong, Shanxi, expects to produce 100 megawatts of power. It's also producing 100 megacuddles of cute fluffy panda. So if China ever overtakes the US as a world superpower, armed with infinite sun energy, as long as they make everything in the shape of a panda I for one accept our new overlords.

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This story may sound bizarre if you only know Hobby Lobby as the chain of craft and home decor stores. After all, why would they be smuggling ancient artifacts at all? Well, the owners of Hobby Lobby are extremely religious people (they're the ones who sued over having to provide contraception coverage to employees) and have made it a corporate directive to accumulate Biblical artifacts and bring them back to the United States.

They thus have spent huge amounts of money on items like cuneiform tablets etched thousands of years ago that may or may not have been illegally looted from archaeological sites. Then they shipped them back to stores in the USA with false documentation for what should be an obvious reason: They're trying to resurrect a mummy.

It's official: the Declaration of Independence is lib-cuck propaganda. Thomas Jefferson, or should I say, Thomas Lefterson, wrote this snowflake manifesto of politically correct garbage, such as, "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal." What a load of SJW crap. This lefty propaganda also says that people should install a big nanny government on the principles that "seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness." Oh great, he's trying to turn America into a safe space. If only King George had some Pepe memes he could have stopped this nonsense.

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