7 WTF Sex Scenes That Will Destroy Your Sanity
Sex scenes, while occasionally controversial, are a fairly regular part of cinema, from Eyes Wide Shut to Boogie Nights to Casablanca before they had to cut out all the orgy scenes. But in addition to their ability to titillate, certain movies (especially horror) like to get real creative with how far they can stretch the definition of erotica. And while some sexual experimentation can make for a great anniversary, too much of it might just put you off having sex for the rest of your life.
We'd warn you of all the nudity in this article, but it's honestly the least inappropriate content you're going to find compared to ...
Denise Richards Does A Striptease For A Dinosaur's Disembodied Brain
Post-Jurassic Park Hollywood tried to jam dinosaurs into just about every movie, from The Flintstones to that movie where Whoopi Goldberg was legally forced to solve crimes with a dino buddy. Then there's Tammy And The T-Rex, an instant classic where Denise Richards plays a girl whose dead boyfriend (played by Paul Walker) has his brain transplanted into a robotic dinosaur. Why not a real dinosaur? Because that would be ridiculous.
Jurassic lovin', happened so fast
You'd think the screenwriters would have their hands full with the whole cyborg tyrannosaurus plot, but they somehow managed to also find time to add in a whole bunch of weird sexual tension throughout the movie-- like a schoolyard fight that results in a surprising amount of dick-grabbing.
2 Grab 2 Testes
Scenes like the penis pinch seem out of place in Tammy And The T-Rex, which is quite the achievement if you think about it, but that's not the movie's fault -- it's the fault of uptight censors. You see, the movie was originally intended for mature audiences, with its violent scenes eventually cut out for the American release, such as this moment where the lovable T-Rex rips a guy's head off.
But the weird sex stuff was totally fine for preteens, so that was left in. The very final moment of the film features a particularly baffling attempt at sexiness. After removing her boyfriend's brain from the T-Rex, it now lives a hellish existence in a petri dish in Denise Richards' room, wired to a camcorder that cruelly has the lens cap on while she's out.
So what does she do to satiate Paul Walker's existential agony? In a moment that was trimmed down for the PG version, she does an elaborate striptease. It's pretty much the closest we'll ever get to seeing what Krang's bachelor party would look like.
"You wouldn't happen to have a yellow zip-up jumpsuit?"
And because the brain that lives on her nightstand obviously doesn't have a penis, it reacts to arousal by ejaculating sparks all over her teddy bear, which is a fire hazard.
If he gets too excited, she plays her performance from The World Is Not Enough to cool him down.
The movie ends with Richards jumping on the bed for the really naughty stuff to happen. Of course, we don't get to see any of that because the movie fades to black.
And into obscurity.
The brain in the jar also can't see any of that, because the bed is out of its field of vision. Brains don't have arms, Denise, you need to move the camera for him! Or, y'know, unplug him and let him pass blessedly on into eternity. Whichever.
Ninja Women Dispatch Enemies With Their Magic Genitals
It's a common movie trope that the femme fatale assassin uses her sexuality to eliminate her target. But Female Ninjas Magic Chronicles 3: Sacred Book of Sexual Position ( not a porno) boldly asks the question, "What if female assassins literally used their genitals to kill people?"
The sequel to a movie in which the Catholic Church hides treasure maps in vaginas, Female Ninjas Magic Chronicles 3 finds a gang of (not surprisingly) female ninjas seeking an ancient book of sexual positions. Along the way, they have to best a series of warriors with their feminine ninjitsu skills ... which mainly involves them getting molested and then erupting vengeance from various orifices. For example, one ninja quickly transitions from sex to squirting a guy in the face with acid breast milk, like some misguided erotic version of the dilophosaurus attack in Jurassic Park.
"No use dying over spilt milk."
In another hectic battle, one ninja busts out the aptly named "Vagina Bubbles From Hell"-- a slow-moving mass of vaginal soap suds ...
... And this lethal bubble bath literally kills a dude, who we can only assume went to the afterlife red with embarrassment.
No one wants to be known as "the guy who got killed by crotch bubbles."
That's not even the dumbest vagina-related magic power in the movie. That honor is reserved for the powerful mystic who turns her enemies' ... uh, goo, into a weapon with her vagina silly-string (from Hell).
Which is also what happens when you get bitten by a radioactive gynecologist.
The Hilarious Werewolf Threesome In The Howling II
Werewolves combine the worst parts of puberty: the rampant hormonal rampages and the unfortunate body hair. So, despite the Twilight saga's most mediocre efforts, you can't make a werewolf sexy. Case in point, The Howling II.
A sequel to the werewolf classic, with a subtitle that sounds like a line from Dracula's Friars Club roast, Howling II: ... Your Sister Is A Werewolf opens with Christopher Lee. In space. Talking about werewolf boning. Don't worry, the British accent totally sells it.
After all that build-up about "beasts" and "fornications," we finally see the Werewolf Queen's castle, a temple of sin filled with ... old people, for some reason. Apparently, the werewolf community is totally cool with senior citizens getting bussed to their Zorro-themed orgies.
Three of the werewolves splinter off to a candelabra-filled bedchamber to have a threeway. Well, we say "threeway," but it's mostly just a whole lot of watching and not a lot of movement. For all of Christopher Lee's ranting about the abject sin of lycanthropy, these two hairy asses are fumbling about like it's werewolf prom night at their werewolf Catholic school.
Thankfully they skip the part where your parents have to drive your obviously sexed-up ass home in the family minivan.
Eventually, the Werewolf Queen joins in, but seemingly goes to great effort not to physically touch the other werewolves, probably because the filmmakers didn't want her $200 manicure getting tangled up in all that recycled pubic hair.
"Are those crabs?"
If there was a porn parody of Andrew Lloyd Webber's Cats directed by someone who had never had sex before, this is probably what it would look like:
The Howling For The Last Ninety Minutes Of Your Life Back
A Nurse Bangs An Anatomically Correct Medical Dummy In Front Of A Child
Pin is a Canadian horror movie about a young man who kills people because a medical dummy told him to.
Still, creepy medical equipment turning children evil is a small price to pay for universal health coverage.
In a flashback, the killer's backstory shows that his doctor father used the anatomically correct dummy to teach his kids. He even did the voice of the dummy, just to maximize the chance of future psychic traumas.
Yeah, that's our face right now, too.
Eventually, his son starts to think the dummy is real. It doesn't help his delusion when the kid catches a nurse using the dummy as a marital aid.
Apparently, "Ed Harris but with his internal organs showing" is an actual fetish people have.
What starts as some gentle petting quickly turns into a speedy run-through of years of sexual education for the peeping tom ...
... Then she crushes that dummy's ass in what the Kama Sutra calls the "Loveless Marriage Lotus." The kid's reaction shot says it all.
With this brief but potent girl-on-medical-equipment action, we now know exactly (through shared trauma) why this child becomes a deranged killer. That's one psychosis out of the way, but what about the nurse's? The movie never explains what the hell is going on with her. Do the filmmakers think that this how health care providers spend their coffee breaks? Why don't we follow her around for ninety minutes and see where that angel of death vibe may lead? Probably to a mannequin store.
Jason Voorhees Kills A Potential Threesome In The Wackiest Way Possible
We all know Jason X wasn't exactly the strongest of the Friday The 13th movies; it has a cast of terrible actors, a spaceship set that looks like a sci-fi-themed Motel 6, and a musical score that was likely played on a toddler's bumblebee-shaped keytar. But it did do the one thing all Friday The 13th movies are supposed to: make teens everywhere regret wanting to have sex.
The movie finds a group of futuristic students on a field trip in space when the frozen body of Jason Voorhees comes to life and starts murdering people -- another good reminder of why permission slips always need to be signed. At one point, the intrepid group of survivors trap Jason in what's basically a holodeck simulation of a country resort, in a desperate attempt to slow him down with wistful nostalgia.
"Nothing? Weird, people on the internet usually start masturbating furiously to that shit."
Worried that Jason won't simply drop his machete in favor of drinking mai tais in a deck chair, they add in some horny teenagers ...
... Who immediately get naked and try to seduce a confused Jason ...
Whose head looks mighty phallic right now ...
Jason, even though it wasn't on the menu, picks the murder option. He lets the naked child-supervisors get into sleeping bags and then beats one sleeping bag against the other sleeping bag ...
... And to neatly wrap things up, kills the other counselor with one whack of a sleeping bag to a tree.
Basically the same thing producers have done to this franchise
Which is both a call-back to Friday The 13th Part VII, and a handy way to save money on gore effects. But let's go back to the holodeck for a sec. Which future pervert thought it was a great idea to program a university research vessel with the simulation of a summer camp sex fantasy that hasn't been relevant since the late 80s? Even more disturbing, these topless gals are specifically simulations of Camp Crystal Lake counselors, a place only known in this universe as the site of a famous massacre. What we're saying is that that sleeping bag whack-a-mole we just saw Jason do is probably the least gruesome act ever performed on that holodeck.
Troll 2: The Goblin Queen Bangs A Dude With A Corncob (And Ejaculates Popcorn)
Aside from the fact that it was technically the first Harry Potter movie, Troll 2 is most well known for being possibly the worst movie of all time. Troll 2's human protagonists were maybe even less believable than the puppets, so it's not surprising that the movie's brief dalliance with eroticism would be about as sexy as sticking your junk into a thresher just because it said it loved you.
The scene in question starts with All-American boy Brent sitting in front of the TV, channel hopping, when suddenly he lands on a woman seductively caressing some corn on the cob -- which is some kind of black magic, or the Green Giant commercials used to be a whole lot more fun.
And now you know where corn syrup comes from.
The mysterious temptress then tells Brent to go outside because she's waiting near his trailer and holy shit, all those beer commercials were right after all!
"Thanks, teen alcoholism!"
What Brent doesn't know is that she's actually the Goblin Queen, presumably hanging out in trailer parks because she's fed up with her husband's baby-stealing and their unnecessarily muppet-filled house. But we can forgive him for being ... distracted.
They go back inside the trailer to do it, hard. But she has one condition: the corn gets to play too.
"They call it 'cobbing'. Are your kids doing it? See our report tonight."
Because this is all part of her evil trick, Brent's orgasm causes an explosion of popcorn as if he's part of Orville Redenbacher's wet dreams ...
... Which then almost kills him as he drowns in his own salty, butter-soaked sex corn.
"It's not butter ..." *dies*
Troll 2 obviously performed very badly at the box office, but this scene makes us wonder if that was merely due to the movie being terrible, or the fact that it showed audiences the most popular concession-stand food covered in sex mucus?
That's the difference between a regular bad movie and Troll 2. A regular bad movie will ruin 90 minutes of your life; Troll 2 will ruin your moviegoing experience forever.
Faust Has The Most Disgusting Sex Scene Of All Time
Faust: Love Of The Damned tells the story of an artist named John Jaspers (thus dodging the litigious wrath of famed artist Jasper Johns) who sells his soul to the devil in order to become a demon superhero and avenge his girlfriend's death. Think Spawn, but if his mom made his costume for him.
Out of Fruit Roll-Ups.
One memorably horrifying scene finds the devil (who in the movie looks like a 90-year-old woman doing her best John Malkovich impersonation) about to get it on with his girlfriend -- because in the age of internet dating, there's always the odd chance that you accidentally wind up going out with the Prince of Darkness ...
... But it turns out the woman has crossed him, so as a punishment he uses his evil magic to make her boobs and butt turn gigantic, and then melt. Again, he's the devil, so we can't be 100 percent sure this isn't just some weird demonic foreplay.
"Hell hath no fury like a woman turned to scones."
Eventually, the seductress is reduced to nothing but a shuddering, liquid, four-leaf clover of female sexuality. It's a pretty fucked-up, gross scene. If David Cronenberg ever directed an episode of Red Shoe Diaries, this is probably the nightmare factory he'd produce.
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