Thou Shalt Maybe Kill: 5 Bible Facts Everyone Gets Wrong

5

Noah Did Not Take Just Two Of Each Animal On The Ark

You know the nursery rhyme: The animals went in two by two (hurrah, hurrah), while all the people God judged unworthy were washed away by a great flood and died horrible deaths (hurrah, hurrah). The whole point of bringing the animals is that they would couple and repopulate their respective species after the flood. So all that was needed was two of each, a little privacy, and a lax policy on inbreeding.

Edward Hicks
Look at that lion. That lion is into it.

But Actually ...

For unclean animals (like pigs, donkeys, and other dumbasses), it was two of each, but for clean ones (sheep, cattle, and everything else God deemed edible) it was either seven or fourteen. While Genesis 6:19 says Noah should bring "two of all living creatures," in Genesis 7:2 God clarifies that He was only talking about unclean beasts. For all others, Noah was supposed to bring seven -- or seven pairs, depending on which translation you read. These were presumably for food, and, of course, sacrifices. In fact, the story goes on to say that almost immediately after the ark landed, Noah made burnt offerings of one of each clean animal.

James Tissot
Sure puts Evan Almighty in a new light.

That would be in line with the thinking of the time, obviously. Animal sacrifice was common, and we still eat the poor, delicious bastards to this day. But there's a kind of Dr. Dolittle spin we tend to put on Noah and his ark -- cute little animated tales of Noah out there partying on his mega-yacht with a whole zoo full of pals. And then he stops to eat a few, and the party grows awkward. Then he gets out the torch, and the real fun begins.

4

The Ten Commandments Aren't What You Think

Well, let's see, there's "You shall not kill," and-

3

Joseph's "Technicolor Dreamcoat" Wasn't Necessarily Multicolored

What? Fans of musical theater probably care about this one! A lot!

In Genesis, Jacob (the man who beat God in a wrestling match) wanted to show that he loved his son Joseph more than his other garbage offspring, so he gave Joe his now-famous coat of many colors. How many colors? Well, according to Donny Osmond, "It was red and yellow and green and brown and scarlet and ochre and ... " so on, for like five minutes.

For ages, artists have depicted Joseph's coat as a flamboyant rainbow tunic:

Owen Jones

Ticktock Books, LTD
More impressively for our audience, this is also an item in Castlevania.

1

The Rapture Isn't In The Bible

You know about the rapture. If not from those terrible Kirk Cameron movies, then certainly from that one terrible Nicolas Cage movie. It's the magical day when Jesus will return and carry the faithful (but not their clothes; this is a "skinny rapture") up into Heaven. The rest are left behind to live in the kind of hellish chaos that a world in the hands of Nicolas Cage would foster. Only after seven years of that is Jesus supposed to come back for real.

But Actually ...

The Bible doesn't mention the rapture. Orthodox Christians, Roman Catholics -- none of them are supposed to believe in that crap. The only reason this nutty idea is so popular is thanks to radical 19th-century Irish preacher John Nelson Darby. He didn't invent the idea, but he popularized it. He's the ShamWow guy of the apocalypse.

Wiki Commons
Less fun, of course.

Darby developed his theories while resting in bed after a horse accident. Using a technique beloved by today's keyboard warriors, he took lines from different parts of the Bible and stuck them together to support his own idea. There's a verse in Thessalonians that talks about people being taken up into the air when Jesus comes back, but it doesn't say good people. Then there's a whole thing in the Book of Matthew about some being prepared for the Second Coming, while others are caught with their pants down. Darby spun all this together to insist that the end of the world will have a VIP line, and evangelists have capitalized on it ever since. After all, everybody thinks they deserve to slip past the velvet rope.

Alex Buchanan occasionally tries to write stuff to make people laugh. He has a Twitter that he updates when he remembers about it. Guy Bigel is a professional flute player and he uploads fun arrangements to his YouTube channel. Check out his stuff here.

For more proof you have absolutely no idea what's actually in the Bible, check out 5 Stories Everyone Assumes Are In The Bible (But Aren't) and 5 Shocking Scenes You Won't Believe Are in the Bible.

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