Door # 2: car crashes! Everyone knows that shopping around the holidays can be murder, but the real fatalities start happening on the way home. All that post-mall stress gets inadvertently taken out on other drivers. According to research done by State Farm, 32 percent of drivers have a tendency to become more aggressive during the holiday season, as their brains stew over long lines, high prices, and the hundredth time hearing "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer," and they stop focusing. The study also noted that parents and people under 49 are particularly susceptible to this, which we can't help but notice is the majority of human beings on Earth. Way to narrow it down, State Farm.

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Door #3: You'll accidentally shoot yourself, you stupid asshole! Between Christmas Eve and New Year's Day is a particularly bad time for handling a gun, as eggnog, hot metal, and our fleshy bits don't mix well. And the victims aren't your drunk uncle or racist grandma, either; the average age of gun fatalities during the season is 19. Guns are given as gifts by the thousands, people are more likely to go hunting, children are out of school and figuring out the latch on the gun cabinet, or some teenager got snuck enough brandy to feel like showing off this awesome trick you saw on the YouTubes.

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So next holiday season, if you decide to practice juggling your pistols, make sure only one of you is loaded.

It's not that couples suddenly hate each other more as the seasons change -- there's nothing that tops pre-divorce hate, anyway. But scientists think that a couple's willingness to not give up on their marriage waxes and wanes throughout the year. Around Christmas or Valentine's Day, married couples are clinging to the hope that they can turn things around during the holidays, and they also don't want to upset their families over the holidays by announcing a divorce, unaware that it's the one thing everyone was hoping to get as a gift in the first place.

Once March rolls around and they've dispensed with the illusion of true love, they end up filing for divorce. The same applies to summer vacations, which tend to happen in July. Vacations are often stressful to the point of further damaging already-strained marriages, especially if they have to take a plane and one of them forgets one of the suitcases in the goddamned car, Carol!

So if you ever find yourself needing to end your marriage, try to do it around Halloween to definitely beat the city hall rush.

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The researchers found that in July, your chances of being killed by mixed-up medications increases by about 10 percent. But only in counties with teaching hospitals -- those without saw no change. This isn't some momentary blip in the data, either; these statistics come from a study that looked at all U.S. deaths related to medication errors between 1979 and 2006. That's over 62 million cases across 28 years, which is ... fine? Yeah, let's pretend like that isn't a scarily high number.

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Long story long, July is the month when lots of medical residencies start, and teaching hospitals find themselves hosting lots of brand-new faces fresh out of medical school, doe-eyed and not very experienced yet in the powerful curative magicks that keep us tied to this mortal coil. That's why big-ticket errors -- like wrongly amputated limbs, missed tumors, or patients catching fire -- don't see an uptick in July. But every now and then, a tired 20-something will accidentally turn someone's blood into a milkshake instead of thinning it. So if you go in for a routine checkup and your doctor's voice is still changing, you better hope there's snow the window, because otherwise, you'll leave in a body bag.

According to a Japanese study, the risk of a stroke can fluctuate quite a bit depending on the time of day. Ischaemic stroke risks increase between 6 a.m. and 8 a.m., ironically the time when you're most likely to really smell burnt toast. Meanwhile, hemorrhagic stroke risks increase between 6 p.m. and 8 p.m., because it seems strokes work in shifts for maximum efficiency. But besides not wanting to upset employers by making John from accounting collapse during business hours, strokes also don't want your romantic partners to wake up next to a corpse, as the stroke risk tends to be at its lowest when you're asleep. So the cure for strokes is clear: Work from home and never take off your pajamas. No Cracked writer has ever died from a stroke. Scurvy, however ...

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But at least time is something you can set your watch to. You know what's a lot more fickle? The weather. Cold weather can constrict blood vessels, thus making it harder for your body's miracle juice to move through your veins and making it more likely to form a clot. This clot can move up to your brain and give you a stroke, causing you to do things like buy items on QVC. So good news for people in Texas: Hot weather will ... also give you a stroke, due to blood clot risks from dehydration. The major difference is that if you have a stroke from cold weather, you're more likely to be hospitalized or die from it, because the world is a bit crueler when it's cold.

This isn't a guaranteed annual thing, like how Christmas will put a bullet in you -- it only happens when a sporting event is both very close and high-stakes. Heart attacks increased by 15 percent for men and 27 percent for women in 1980, when the Pittsburgh Steelers staged an amazing fourth-quarter comeback to win the Super Bowl. But when the Raiders rightfully beat the tar out of the tackily named Redskins in 1984, there was not a noticeable increase in heart attacks. There was, however, a marked increase in unbearable smugness among Raider fans.

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This was also observed in soccer fans during intense World Cup matches. In 2006, when Germany was playing in the tournament, there was more than double the number of heart attacks among German viewers. Apparently, the stress of losing, combined with the time limit, makes the body freak out a lot more than usual. Don't worry, though, because this effect doesn't happen to everyone who watches sports; it's only observed in people who have diabetes or high blood pressure, or people who spend long periods of time angrily sitting in front of the TV or computer.

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Around the end of the year, people who would otherwise commit suicide are either around their families, which makes the act less likely, or they're holed up in their apartments and not interacting with other people, which makes them feel less bad. Which is the same reason that once spring rolls around, all bets are off again. Once the snow clears and the world comes back to life, suicide rates spike by around 15 percent compared to the rest of the year, making it the most suicide-prone season.

At first glance, it doesn't make much sense. Spring is when the snow melts, plants show themselves, and the sun starts shining -- all of which does tend to boost our mood from seasonal depression to seasonal constantly-unsure-whether-to-bring-a-scarf-or-not. But that doesn't help us with the real issue, which is that other people bum us the hell out. When spring arrives, we're all expected to get out of our hidey holes and talk to more people, which introduces more stress and frustration into our lives. Luckily, in many countries, this trend is starting to disappear, as seasonal jobs like farm work (where you work less during the winter) are increasingly replaced with office jobs, where you have to suffer your co-workers a full 12 months out of the year.

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But writers simply refuse to roll with the changes and are still pushing the now doubly outdated Christmas suicide myth -- which some experts fear might encourage people to take the plunge just based on the idea that it must be true. So remember, everyone: Instead of repeating urban legends about the holidays, try punching a journalist instead.