6 Bible Stories Where The Moral Was 'Haha F*ck You, I'm God'

OK, that's not the weirdest thing God has ever told someone to do. Plus it tastes like honey. So far, so good. Then God tells Zeke to construct a little scale model of Jerusalem out of clay, and stomp the crap out of it like a bully wrecking a sand castle. This is, we guess, the less subtle part of the prophecy.

Then God just wants to see how far he will go. He tells Ezekiel to lie down on his left side and stay there for 390 days. Then he's allowed to roll over -- presumably with one hell of a cramp and a bad case of bed sores -- but he has to lie on his right side for another 40 days, pointing at the squashed remains of the Jerusalem model the whole time so that people really get the message.

God, snickering, just cannot believe he's doing all this, so he really ups the game: The entire time, Ezekiel is allowed to eat nothing but bread that he cooked on a bonfire of human poop. This is the part of the prank show where most victims would start looking around for hidden cameras, but not Ezekiel. He just stoically bargains God down to cow poop instead and mistakenly calls it a victory.

In the Book of Jeremiah, God warns the Israelites to cut out all the false idol worship, and if they don't, they're going to lead an unfulfilling spiritual life. Oh wait, no -- eat your kids. And after they're done, he'll make them eat their friends too.

The threat even turns up in Ezekiel, as part of the prophet's rant against Jerusalem. Here, God promises that not only will fathers be forced to eat their children, but the children will also eat their fathers. We don't even know how that's supposed to work, or in what order. Like a ... a sort of Ouroboros human centipede thing? That's messed up, God.

Next, Nadab and Abihu do the exact same thing. Only this time, God instantly incinerates the brothers in a furious hellstorm right in front of their horrified father.

Now, there's been a lot of debate among scholars about what exactly Nadab and Abihu did wrong. Some have suggested that they used the wrong incense ("Is that the pine bullshit? Nobody likes that pine bullshit!"), while others think they may have lit the fire wrong. Either way, Moses puts his arm around Aaron and basically tells him, "Yeah, your kids explode sometimes. C'est la vie!"

Aaron's surviving children and nephews then have to bury the dead brothers, but Moses warns them to be doubly careful, because if they make God any angrier by complaining or even not combing their hair properly, he'll probably kill everyone in Israel. Why? Well, you've guided all your Sims to the pool and then removed the ladder. You know why.

The Pharaoh and the Egyptians are obviously the bad guys here and deserve everything that's coming to them -- unless you consider that, according to the Bible itself, the Pharaoh did not restrain the Israelites by his own free will. Every time God threw frogs or locusts or bees at him (bees were one of the plagues, right?) the Pharaoh considers letting the Israelites go, but God forces him to change his mind.

After each passage that describes one of the plagues, the Bible says, "The Lord hardened Pharaoh's heart." God is playing both sides of this conflict. Even after Pharaoh finally releases the people and sends them out toward the Red Sea, God makes him change his mind again and send his army out to pursue them to a watery grave. Though he's always painted as the villain, the Pharaoh didn't really have any say in the matter from the beginning.

Biblical scholars have argued about why God would directly intervene in the Pharaoh's free will to constantly force him to defy God's own wishes, and the best response that they can give is that God just wanted to prove his power to everyone. In short, he promised ten plagues, and dammit, he was going to give them ten plagues. It would have spoiled his fun if the Pharaoh gave up after, like, three.

But then he goes on to order that nobody with any kind of "defect" may come to his altar either. What constitutes a "defect"? God has an extensive list that he's very pleased to read out.

It includes no blind people -- in fact, nobody with bad eyesight of any kind. So if you wear glasses or contacts, you're probably out. Nobody who has a crippled foot or hand, so that old college sports injury probably rules you out. If you have a "flat nose," you're out. If you have sores or scabs, you're out. Nobody with a bad back. Nobody with "damaged testicles." And for some reason, God makes it very clear: Absolutely no dwarfs.

These people are still welcome to praise God, of course (and by "welcome," he means "required," unless fiery death is on their bucket list) but they're not allowed to approach him with offerings. Because yea, the lord, he swipeth left on thee.

The next day, the Israelites awaken to find their encampment two cubits (around 36 inches in non-Bible units) deep with wild quail for about a day's walk in either direction. There is an ocean of quail. They are stranded in it. The only option? Eat your way out. The Israelites spend two whole days and one night hunting quail before they sit down to the greatest quail feast in history. And afterward, they're struck down with the greatest salmonella outbreak in history.

God technically wasn't lying when he promised that the meat would later come out of their nostrils. That's the poetry of it. Try to imagine 600,000 people simultaneously power-spewing and suffering explosive diarrhea in one densely populated encampment, and you get the horrible idea.

The Bible quickly jump-cuts away from this story, mentioning only that they buried the dead in this place and named it "Kibroth Hattaavah," or "the Graves of Craving." And God? He dropped the mic.

For more bizarre shit from the Holy Book, check out 5 Shocking Scenes You Won't Believe Are in the Bible and 6 Filthy Jokes You Won't Believe Are From The Bible.

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