Human beings have technology, politics, art; monkeys fling poo. Clearly, they're doing something right, and we're doing something wrong. And yet those poor simian sons of bitches are mistakenly following in our footsteps right now: archaeologists in Thailand investigated a community of macaques who developed stone tools to break open shellfish. In the nearby jungles and rainforests, chimpanzees and capuchin monkeys have been doing the same thing to crack open nuts. Now, to be clear, the animals aren't just seeing a rock and deciding to fuck something up with it -- they're learning from experience and passing down knowledge, which is just another way of saying they have technology. Which is just another way of saying they'll soon have unsatisfying jobs in IT and erectile dysfunction. See, it turns out monkeys are just as screwed up as we are, and in some remarkably similar ways ...
Apes Suffer From Mid-Life Crises
We find one gray hair, and suddenly our brain says it's time to buy an expensive sports car and research new types of slang. Mid-life crises are stupid, but we're not alone in having them: Primates are practically guaranteed to feel more depressed, bored, confused, and introspective during the middle section of their lives, regardless of species or volume of body hair. According to researchers, chimps and orangutans' dissatisfaction with their lives tends to occur just after the midpoint of their lifespan -- at 30 years old, give or take. Only about a decade removed from our own designated hairpiece period.
You can barely tell it's fake.
Alexander Weiss, the co-author of the study, adds that the 500 middle-aged apes they studied aggressively went after "things that they want, like mating with more females, or gaining access to more resources" to compensate for the void in their sad, unrewarding, monkey life.
"I should buy a Ferrari."
Weiss theorizes that the unhappiness amongst primates is likely a common evolutionary mechanism: a kind of ticking time bomb of insecurity that amps up their unfulfilled sex drive, makes them hoard resources, and causes them to fight to enhance their rank within the group, all in the simple pursuit of elevating their reproductive chances before it's too late. If that sounds painfully familiar, maybe get off the phone with the Harley dealership and just surf Urban Dictionary for a while instead. It's cheaper.
In 2016, scientists observed what is probably the first known contract killing outside of the human species. It happened in Borneo, when a female orangutan named Kondor "hired" a male named Ekko to eliminate a rival female, Sidony. These were, of course, names that the researchers gave them -- the orangutans did not tell them their names. They're dumb animals, and also they know what happens to snitches.
"Except we don't even know how to stitch them back up."