Weiss theorizes that the unhappiness amongst primates is likely a common evolutionary mechanism: a kind of ticking time bomb of insecurity that amps up their unfulfilled sex drive, makes them hoard resources, and causes them to fight to enhance their rank within the group, all in the simple pursuit of elevating their reproductive chances before it's too late. If that sounds painfully familiar, maybe get off the phone with the Harley dealership and just surf Urban Dictionary for a while instead. It's cheaper.
In 2016, scientists observed what is probably the first known contract killing outside of the human species. It happened in Borneo, when a female orangutan named Kondor "hired" a male named Ekko to eliminate a rival female, Sidony. These were, of course, names that the researchers gave them -- the orangutans did not tell them their names. They're dumb animals, and also they know what happens to snitches.
"Except we don't even know how to stitch them back up."
Orangutans are particularly docile as far as apes go, so it's safe to say that Sidony did something to piss Kondor off right proper. The scheme began when Kondor called Ekko over, which was curious in itself, because orangutans of the opposite sex rarely associate outside of mating season. Later, Ekko was seen spying on Sidony, before returning to Kondor, with whom he immediately started having a lot of hot ape sex.
After that, Ekko confronted Sidony and promptly mauled her to death, before returning to Kondor and having some more hot ape sex.
"She did things with her feet, man. Banana things."