Eventually, they got a partial hit: Damiano Guerinoni was not an exact match, but testing indicated that someone in his family might be. Unfortunately, that family was larger than some entire towns: his father had 11 brothers and sisters. The investigators kept looking, until they finally got a closer match from Damiano's uncle, bus driver Giuseppe Guerinoni. Case closed, right? Not really, since Guiseppe had died 11 years earlier (they got the sample from a postage stamp). His children were tested and cleared, and he had no other offspring that his wife knew of.
Note that we said "knew of."
Blitz If he hadn't been dead yet, he would have been soon.
Apparently, our driver friend had a rather "active" social life outside the bounds of his marriage, and had a secret son somewhere along the way. Authorities were now looking for a bastard, both figuratively and literally. After putting together an exhaustive list of 532 living women who "Casanova" Guerinoni had or could have slept with, they tested all of them, twice, and found a match with 67-year-old Ester Arzuffi. It turned out that her oldest two children, twins, had been fathered by ol' Giuseppe. The female twin was quickly ruled out, which left Ester's son: 43-year-old Massimo Giuseppe Bossetti.
Police quickly got a DNA sample from Massimo under the guise of a breathalyzer test -- it was a match to the DNA found at the crime scene. He was sentenced to life in prison and, we can only hope, to being punched in the nuts by every single one of the 22,000 people he inconvenienced.
Think Nana and Pop-Pop's loving 60-year monogamous relationship is quaint and old-fashioned? First off, sorry for that disturbing image, but we've got some news for you: the monogamous sexual relationship is actually brand new relative to how long humans have been around. Secondly, it's about to get worse from here: monkey sex. On this month's live podcast, Jack O'Brien and the Cracked staff welcome Dr. Christopher Ryan, podcaster and author of 'Sex at Dawn', onto the show for a lively Valentine's Day discussion about love, sex, why our genitals are where they are, and why we're more like chimps and bonobos than you think. Tickets go on sale soon!
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