5 Iconic Resistance Movements You're Picturing Exactly Wrong

So why isn't this aspect of the American Revolution better known? Some 19th century historians postulated that people were slaves because they didn't mind being slaves. Incredibly, Harvard scholar John Fiske actually wrote, "The relations between master and slave in Virginia were so pleasant [that the] offer of freedom [by the British] fell upon dull uninterested ears."

Sure. Apparently they missed the former slaves defecting to the other side literally wearing signs that said "Freedom to Slaves."

Wiki Commons "They enjoyed their work! How else do you explain slave songs?"

More plausible, however, is that 19th century abolitionists worried their cause would be hurt if anyone brought attention to the slaves who crossed over to the land of evil accents. They thought it would be better to highlight the courage and sacrifice made by black people -- both slave and free -- in the cause of freedom from the British. As Harriet Beecher Stowe wrote in an introduction to William Cooper Nell's The Colored Patriots of the American Revolution:

"The colored race have been generally considered ... as deficient in energy and courage. Their virtues have been supposed to be principally negative ones. This little collection of interesting incidents, made by a colored man, will redeem the character of the race from this misconception."

That's the gentlest possible reminder that black people died fighting to establish the country that then thanked them by sending them straight back to being slaves.

James Wells Champney Live free or die.

We have the Marquis of Kink to thank for instigating the storming altogether. When he saw mobs start to swell in and around the city, he realized that angry peasants plus towering old prison could equal one free pervert. Thinking fast, he desperately cried to the masses: "They're massacring prisoners here! You must free them!" His plan worked, as the prisoners who remained there were freed, but only after he was condemned to the nuthouse for inciting a riot while still also totally a sexually deviant. That part didn't change.

Valueyou/Wiki Commons And then we found his most deviant fuck book hidden in his Bastille cell.

The fact that the whole region didn't unite behind a set of democratic principles shouldn't be surprising because, well, that isn't what those people were fighting for in the first place. Despite what the white people with shiny teeth at CNN might have told you, the subjects of the protests varied from country to country.

In Syria, for example, most protesters were lobbying for freedom of speech and association, whereas in Bahrain, the primary concern was civic equality. While those are "democratic" in nature, they're substantially different goals, and they required different levels of change in their governments.

The fact that Yemenis were protesting stagnating wages wasn't going to help you forget about your mundane life in the United States, but the idea that the Arab world was finally coming around to our point of view was something that could sell Bud Light.

Bo yaser/Wiki Commons "So, wait. You're saying we DIDN'T save #Syria by giving them Twitter?"

But despite what Charles de Gaulle would have you believe, the French Resistance didn't actually do all that much resisting. In fact, some put the number of active French resistors as low as 2 percent of the population; passive resistors around 8 percent, and something like 90 percent relatively ambivalent to the whole Nazi thing. This would have beggared our belief ... if we'd heard it before Trump won the presidency.

Meanwhile, in occupied Poland, the Polish Home Army was thought to have about 400,000 recruits -- a number the French Resistance didn't reach until after D-Day -- which made it the largest underground organization in Nazi-occupied Europe. Up to 43 percent of all the reports received by the British secret services from continental Europe in 1939-1945 came from Polish sources.

Juliusz Bogdan Deczkowski What, you thought Hitler invaded Poland, and that was the end of that story?

Unfortunately, the substantial contribution of the Polish to the defeat of the Nazis has been largely forgotten by France, who wanted to believe they'd freed themselves from the Nazis; by the West, who didn't want to give credit to commies like Poland; and by the Soviet Union, who we guess just hated Poland.

Polish National Archive Acknowledging them would have devalued 1950s America's Strategic Polish Joke Reserve.

By the end of 1912, nearly 250 people associated with suffragette terrorism were imprisoned. One suffragette wrote:

"Perhaps the Government will realize now that we mean to fight to the bitter end ... If men use explosives and bombs for their own purpose they call it war, and the throwing of a bomb that destroys other people is then described as a glorious and heroic deed. Why should a woman not make use of the same weapons as men. It is not only war we have declared. We are fighting for a revolution."

via Wiki Commons "The revolution will not be televised ... because it hasn't been invented yet, but still ..."

We're not saying the right to vote was only secured through violence, just that there was a not-insignificant part of the suffrage movement that loudly proclaimed: "Give us the right to vote ... or we will absolutely burn this shit to the ground." And if you don't think that's very ladylike, just step right up and say so. We hope you're good at dodging hatchets.

Steven Assarian is a librarian; he writes stuff here. You can listen to Vincent Pall's damn music here. And while you're at it, buy one of his damn T-shirts here.

Think Nana and Pop-Pop's loving 60-year monogamous relationship is quaint and old-fashioned? First off, sorry for that disturbing image, but we've got some news for you: the monogamous sexual relationship is actually brand new relative to how long humans have been around. Secondly, it's about to get worse from here: monkey sex.

On this month's live podcast, Jack O'Brien and the Cracked staff welcome Dr. Christopher Ryan, podcaster and author of "Sex at Dawn," onto the show for a lively Valentine's Day discussion about love, sex, why our genitals are where they are, and why we're more like chimps and bonobos than you think.

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