4

"The Older The Wine, The Better It Tastes!"

PeopleImages/iStock

The Claim:

"Ah, there's nothing like a 40-year-old vintage Cabinet Soh-vee-nyawn. That shit-brew you bought that was cooked up last year? Please. Everyone knows that the more time wine has to age, the better it tastes. Trust me, I'm an expert. I saw most of Sideways once before falling asleep."

karelnoppe/iStock
"Pssst, you drink it with your mouth, dumbass."

Why It's Bullshit:

In truth, over 90 percent of all the wines made in the world are best if consumed within one year. Still have a 2008 bottle of red sitting in your pantry, waiting patiently for the day when you have to impress a hot date? Well, we hope they like vinegar.

Self-proclaimed wine experts love to lecture anyone within earshot about how an ancient wine has a more "sophisticated" taste because it's been rotting in the barrel longer, but for the most part, this is a myth. Less than 1 percent of wines should be stored for more than five years -- some have been aged already when you buy them, and most are made for gulping down as soon as possible. Even those that are meant to be aged will be ruined if you don't keep them in very specific storage conditions (that is to say, not in your shitty closet).

arismart/iStock
Unless your closet looks like this. Then we apologize.

3

"Music Was Objectively Better In The Old Days!"

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The Claim:

We've talked about the fact that people tend to forget there were also shitty songs in the days gone by (we only remember the classics, and forget the junk). But come on, let's be honest here. If you take the greatest songs from the '60s or '70s and compare them to today's cream of the crop, there's no competition.

Almost no competition.

There are some good artists these days, but back then, you had goddamn geniuses -- who are still making music, sure, but it's a pale imitation of their old stuff. If you can't see that music is getting worse all around, we're sorry, but your tastes aren't as refined and sophisticated as ours.

Why It's Bullshit:

The explanation is simple: The more you hear a song, the better it sounds to your ears. Ever hated a TV show's theme song, but then found yourself whistling it at work? There you go.

A bunch of scientific studies, including one from Harvard, have confirmed that subjects had a much higher tendency to report positive feelings from a piece of music they'd heard before. The reaction is stronger if it's that song you were listening to the first time you kissed someone, or ate a McRib, or both, but this also goes for old tunes you might not even really like. It's not that the music was necessarily better; it's just been drilled into our heads by decades' worth of replays.

kupicoo/iStock
Above: us, enjoying the soothing sounds of Skrillex in 40 years.

2

"Blockbuster Movies Are Way Too Long And Bloated These Days! Hire A Damned Editor!"

Warner Bros. Pictures

The Claim:

Remember when you could go see a movie and come out during the same presidential administration? Modern movies are long, bloated monsters that test your patience and bladder. The last Transformers was freaking two hours and 45 minutes! What happened to the taut and sexy 90-minute films of yesteryear? We'll tell you: Hollywood started letting big-shot directors like Michael Bay and Chris Nolan make these huge, noisy vanity projects, surrounded by nothing but yes-men. "I agree, this whole sequence needs to be in slow-mo!"

"For the dramatic tension, you see."

Hey, don't take our word for it -- the professional critics agree. Leonard Maltin, author of a movie guide that has bafflingly stayed in print despite the existence of the internet, is constantly complaining about the length of films like The Hateful Eight, Spectre, or The Dark Knight ...

1

"Children Are Too Spoiled, Not Like When I Was A Kid!"

Stacey Newman/iStock

The Claim:

"Children these days need less Pokemon Go and more 'Pokemon? NO! Do your homework and go to bed!' There's a lack of discipline in this new generation, is our point. All those participation trophies and feel-good parenting guides have turned kids into spoiled little brats with no respect for their elders. The result? They become lazy, worthless punks who constantly get drunk, high, and pregnant. In our day, you got a spanking if you so much as looked at your dad funny, and we turned out better for it!"

Chris Fertnig/iStock
"It's not too late to punch this sad sack into a model citizen."

Why It's Bullshit:

Let's start with the obvious: Every single generation has thought the subsequent generation was spoiled, going back to days when those sentiments were conveyed via cave paintings. But if you want evidence that the pussified Participation Trophy Generation isn't as bad as they say, look at the data.

The University of Michigan keeps track of various stats related to children (it's not as creepy as it sounds), and guess what? Kids today are less likely to become addicts or develop antisocial tendencies. Enrollment in higher educational courses is at an all-time high. Crimes, smoking, drinking, teenage pregnancy, and drug addiction levels among teenagers are all on the decline compared to what most adults today would refer to as "the good old days."

The New York Times
Neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerds.

Present-day children are also way more active in community life in general, and are better behaved than those from previous eras based on most parameters. It may not always feel that way, but comparatively speaking, we're raising a generation of goddamn saints. So what is the mysterious force behind this improvement? The fact that we're moving away from the "I'll punch you and ground you for a week if you don't do what I say" style of parenting.

Yeah, it turns out sparing the rod doesn't spoil the child, because the rod was only teaching them that adults solve problems by whacking people with rods. Instead, all of those decades we spent studying behaviorism has resulted in better parenting. Parents are giving up more violent practices and focusing instead on forming emotional bonds and inculcating a basic respect for children's autonomy. And that shit works.

Huh. Who could have guessed that treating the little turds like human beings could help them in the long run?

Rachel P. has a webcomic called Terribilis Est, and her Twitter is @plehcar. No one will talk to Chris about films anymore after he only wants to communicate in graphs, so he tweets about movies instead at @NotQuiteCool.

You know all those facts you've learned about psychology from movies and that one guy at the party who says, "Actually ..." a lot? Please forget them. Chances are none of them are true. Take the Stanford Prison Experiment, the one famous psychology study people can name. It was complete bullshit. Funny story actually, it turns out that when you post flyers that say, "Hey, do you wanna be a prison guard for the weekend? Free food and nightsticks," you might not get the most stable group of young men. So join Jack O'Brien, Cracked staff members Dan O'Brien and Michael Swaim, and Psychology Professor Martie G. Haselton of UCLA as they debunk Rorschach tests, the Mozart effec,t and middle child syndrome, so soon you can be that person at the party who says, "Actually ..." Get your tickets here!

For more myths that just don't hold up, check out 20 Famous Stereotypes That Are Statistically B.S. and The 5 Most Statistically Full of Shit National Stereotypes.

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