Sure, you could keep up with the news. But then you'd miss the balls-to-the-wall action of Mark Hamill shaving his beard. Besides, no reasonable person can be expected to keep up with every headline while maintaining their sanity, so we have taken it upon ourselves to quickly summarize the most important and/or ridiculous news stories from the last week (or so).

Jared Fogle blames victims parents for his actions

FBI warns all states to increase election security

370 kilos of cocaine found at French Coca Cola plant

Spacex rocket explodes on launch

Anthony Weiner caught in yet another sexting scandal

Chinese Jack the Ripper caught

ISIS spokesman killed in Syria

Brazilian President Rousseff impeached

EU says Apple owes 14 billion in back taxes

Missing student may have been kidnapped and forced to tutor Kim Jong Un

Zika insecticide kills bees

Chris Brown arrested on suspicion of assault with a deadly weapon

Source: TMZ, E!News, E!News, The Mirror

<- PREVIOUS WEEK

Every year we're inundated with movies that are based on true stories. We're about to get a Deepwater Horizon movie where Mark Wahlberg will plug an oil spill with his muscles, and a Sully Sullenberger movie where Tom Hanks will land a plane on the Hudson with acting. But we think Hollywood could do better than this. That's why Jack O'Brien, the Cracked staff and comedians Lindsay Adams, Sunah Bilsted, Eli Olsberg, and Steven Wilber will pitch their ideas of incredible true stories that should be made into movies. Get your tickets for this LIVE podcast here!

Get the Cracked Daily Newsletter!

We've got your morning reading covered.

Tags

Forgot Password?