Due to the overindulgence of alcohol, the magnetism of Deuce Bigalow 2 star Rob Schneider, and the high-stakes mixed feelings of the Miss Butterface contest, the show got rowdy. And when an actor portraying Agent 47 from the hit video game Hitman came out to present a giant $25,000 check to the most bangable ugly girl, it went a little off the rails. In probably the exact way everyone should have expected.
Sirius XM Radio
Aaaaaand this is unsalvageable.
While Howard's co-hosts were loudly describing the awfulness of the bikini-clad winner's shitty face, the actor portraying Hitman was having a terrible time getting his promotional speech out. If you thought Gustafsson and Cormier's Halo 5 trash talk was bad, it's because you haven't seen a male stripper try to present a "Hitman: Contracts on PS2 and Xbox" check for the Howard Stern Miss Butterface 2004 Contest to a confused bikini model.
He stood there, stuttering like an asshole while a crowd of drunk idiots with confused boners called him a "homo." It was a total nightmare in every direction. If history's greatest minds got together to brainstorm on how to fit the most worst things in a room at once, they would come up with something very close to this.
PaRappa The Rapper: I Now Pronounce You Mr. And Mrs. Rapper
Sony Computer Entertainment
A wedding is a sacred day honoring your relationship in the presence of your family, friends, and god. Or it's a stupid publicity stunt where you're dressed like a rapping dog for a chance at 1,000 pounds. Meet John May, who used his wedding day to try to win an Official UK PlayStation Magazine contest in 1998 called "A Grand Day Out." All he had to do was perform the craziest PlayStation-themed stunt. And he did.
"Kick! Punch! My bride wants to cry!"
For those who don't remember, PaRappa the Rapper was a game about a flat cartoon dog, and you helped him through his day by rhyming for him with your controller. Hit the buttons just right and he raps weird songs about karate or waiting in a bathroom line. Miss by a little bit, and he violently stutters and makes fart noises. It's great either way.
Sony Computer Entertainment
"Nevertheless you getta lesson from teacha now!"
It's a fun game, but PaRappa is not high on the list of characters someone would dress as for their wedding. It's barely a talking point costume at a furry orgy. But somehow John talked his wife into letting him turn their special day into a sad, confusing anecdote in the wild hopes of 1,000 pounds, which even back in 1998 was nowhere close to ruin-your-fucking-wedding money.
And yet one hot summer day in England, a man and a woman shared their vows in front of a church full of people while the man was dressed like a cartoon dog that 4 to 5 percent of them recognized. They also included other PlayStation themes like a wedding cake with the PSX controller buttons. Just look at all the joy it brought to the young people!
The costume says "fun," but the guests' eyes say "help" and "huh?"
This story has a happy ending at least, as John and his wife are still married to this day. And can you blame him? When you find a woman who lets you play video games all day, you keep her. When you find one who lets you wear your PaRappa sex costume in front of her entire family, you never let her go.
Scott Elizabeth Baird can be found rooting for the White Walkers on Twitter at - https://twitter.com/ScottEBaird
Zoroastrianism used to be one of the biggest religions in the world, but their idea of heaven had a slight twist on it: To get there you'd have to cross a bridge, sometimes rickety, sometimes wide and sturdy. If you fell off, you'd go to the House of Lies for eternity. Fun! Not terrifying at all! This month, Jack, Dan, and Michael, along with comedians Casey Jane Ellison and Ramin Nazer discuss their favorite afterlife scenarios from movies, sci-fi, and lesser-known religions. Get your tickets here, and we'll see you on the other side of the bridge!
For more terrible outcomes everyone should've seen coming, check out 5 Psychotic Marketing Stunts That Traumatized Their Audience and 5 Social Networking Promotions That Backfired Spectacularly.
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