5

Final Fantasy XIII's Louis Chocobo Bags

Square Enix

When a company like Louis Vuitton makes billions of dollars a year in profit, you'd think they could hire the best models, right? Or at least models that exist with real physical bodies? No, for their 2016 spring line-up, they hired computer-generated characters from Final Fantasy XIII as models. Which isn't even a very good video game. In fact, it's the worst-reviewed Final Fantasy game of the series and, one might argue, the double-worst place to recruit handbag models.

Square Enix
"Heal! HEAL! FIREBALL! Sir, whatever this object is, it seems broken."

This is Claire Farron, better known by her protagonist/stripper name of Lightning. She was the lead character of Final Fantasy XIII and even got her own spinoff called Lightning Returns. Don't let her gentle features and pink hair fool you; Lightning is a no-nonsense badass, who would probably see a clutch handbag as nothing more than a way to safely transport the genitals of a slain adamantoise to the nearest genital alchemist. Even in the ad, she seems to have no idea what they're for. She flips around and brandishes the purses like a programming bug accidentally replaced her sword.

Square Enix
The most feared item in the game: ... bag?

4

Call of Duty: Black Ops III Starts A Fake War

Activision

It's hard to keep marketing ideas fresh for a game that releases a slightly different sequel every six minutes, but the Call of Duty series has managed to be one of the top-selling franchises thanks to an aggressive advertising campaign. Maybe too aggressive. Actually, now that we think about it, certainly too aggressive.

In September 2015, the Call of Duty Twitter page underwent a complete overhaul to remove all mentions of the video game and disguise itself as a legitimate news source called the "Current Events Aggregate." Are you confused? So were the people suddenly reading about devastating terror attacks in Singapore.

Call of Duty/Twitter
"Rescue dogs are searching for survivors, but you can find them now on both PS4 and Xbox One!"

For four hours, they tweeted news and images from the city being attacked. Virtual lives were lost, virtual riot police were dispatched, and virtually all Twitter users agreed it wasn't very cute. The final tweet at 10:37 p.m. said "This was a glimpse into the future fiction of #BlackOps3" but it may as well have said "LOL JK. Shout out to all the real terror attacks and riots going on! #DoritosFlavorWar"

3

Sony's Intentionally Terrible Music Video Went Accidentally Just Terribly

Sony Computer Entertainment

One of the underlying problems with the internet is its ceaseless, pathological dishonesty. And of all internet dishonesties, videos are the worst; they present fake situations often for no reason other than to make an audience feel stupid and chip away at the trust any of us might have left in anything. Those strangers that kissed weren't strangers at all. Every idiot who falls down was paid to do it by Jimmy Kimmel.

Back in 2006, the concept of streaming video was still relatively new. In order to promote the PSP, their new handheld console intended to challenge the mighty Nintendo DS, Sony tried to make it the star of a bad viral video, in the style of the Star Wars Kid.

Sony Computer Entertainment

A blog appeared online called "Alliwantforxmasisapsp" which was supposedly written by a guy named Charlie. He was so outrageous and stupid, you guys, and he was trying to get his friend Jeremy's parents to buy him a PSP for Christmas. It culminated in a "music" video that tried for "lovably bad" and missed, landing much closer to "Anne Frank museum fire." Take a look at this garbage shit:

2

Hitman Hands Out Giant Checks To Strippers

Square Enix

To the fans of the long-running Hitman series of video games, and to the people who tried to slit their wrists with a popcorn box while watching the Hitman movie, we have a question: When he isn't meticulously planning assassinations that go wrong within minutes and turn into bullet tornado bloodbaths, what does Agent 47 do with his spare time?

If your answer was "hang around Las Vegas judging stripper contests" then you probably skipped ahead. Or maybe you listened to Howard Stern in 2004 when he did a week of live shows in Las Vegas. The shows involved a lot of on-air boozing and morally questionable behavior like hosting a "Miss Butterface" contest to pick the ugliest girl with the hottest body. They trotted out strippers with their heads covered in paper bags who revealed their faces to an audience both horrified by their beast-like features and their sudden and permanent loss of all self-respect and self-esteem. And that contest's sponsor? The video game, Hitman: Contracts.

Sirius XM Radio
Congratulations to the makers of the movies. You aren't the biggest failures involving this franchise.

1

PaRappa The Rapper: I Now Pronounce You Mr. And Mrs. Rapper

Sony Computer Entertainment

A wedding is a sacred day honoring your relationship in the presence of your family, friends, and god. Or it's a stupid publicity stunt where you're dressed like a rapping dog for a chance at 1,000 pounds. Meet John May, who used his wedding day to try to win an Official UK PlayStation Magazine contest in 1998 called "A Grand Day Out." All he had to do was perform the craziest PlayStation-themed stunt. And he did.

John May
"Kick! Punch! My bride wants to cry!"

For those who don't remember, PaRappa the Rapper was a game about a flat cartoon dog, and you helped him through his day by rhyming for him with your controller. Hit the buttons just right and he raps weird songs about karate or waiting in a bathroom line. Miss by a little bit, and he violently stutters and makes fart noises. It's great either way.

Sony Computer Entertainment
"Nevertheless you getta lesson from teacha now!"

It's a fun game, but PaRappa is not high on the list of characters someone would dress as for their wedding. It's barely a talking point costume at a furry orgy. But somehow John talked his wife into letting him turn their special day into a sad, confusing anecdote in the wild hopes of 1,000 pounds, which even back in 1998 was nowhere close to ruin-your-fucking-wedding money.

And yet one hot summer day in England, a man and a woman shared their vows in front of a church full of people while the man was dressed like a cartoon dog that 4 to 5 percent of them recognized. They also included other PlayStation themes like a wedding cake with the PSX controller buttons. Just look at all the joy it brought to the young people!

Playstation Magazine
The costume says "fun," but the guests' eyes say "help" and "huh?"

This story has a happy ending at least, as John and his wife are still married to this day. And can you blame him? When you find a woman who lets you play video games all day, you keep her. When you find one who lets you wear your PaRappa sex costume in front of her entire family, you never let her go.

Scott Elizabeth Baird can be found rooting for the White Walkers on Twitter at - https://twitter.com/ScottEBaird

Zoroastrianism used to be one of the biggest religions in the world, but their idea of heaven had a slight twist on it: To get there you'd have to cross a bridge, sometimes rickety, sometimes wide and sturdy. If you fell off, you'd go to the House of Lies for eternity. Fun! Not terrifying at all! This month, Jack, Dan, and Michael, along with comedians Casey Jane Ellison and Ramin Nazer discuss their favorite afterlife scenarios from movies, sci-fi, and lesser-known religions. Get your tickets here, and we'll see you on the other side of the bridge!

For more terrible outcomes everyone should've seen coming, check out 5 Psychotic Marketing Stunts That Traumatized Their Audience and 5 Social Networking Promotions That Backfired Spectacularly.

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