Disney Movies That Ignore Their Hero's Horrific Crimes

The story begins with the evil fairy Maleficent crashing the celebration of Princess Aurora's birth, where she gives her the gift that keeps on giving: A curse that will cause her, on her 16th birthday, to prick her finger on the spindle of a spinning wheel and die (spindles were basically the medieval equivalent of a modern public bus seat). Three good fairies, Flora, Fauna, and Merryweather "help" the princess by adjusting the curse so that she won't die, but merely sleep forever, because they're firmly against DNRs and can't help but inject their politics into their magic. Then they whisk the child away to raise her in the woods, in a shack, destitute, with no magic, even though the curse only put her in danger for one single specific day out of 16 entire years. The king and queen agree to this plan because they were apparently hoping for a boy, anyway.

Fast forward 16 years, and we find the fairy trio having a noisy and colorful magic-off to celebrate the princess' birthday -- on the one and only day they had to be discreet.

"Just for once, can you guys just be cool?"

Maleficent finds Aurora and sees her curse through. As the three fairies cry and wail over the princess' easily avoidable coma, Merryweather says, "[The king and queen] will be heartbroken when they find out." To which Flora responds, "They're not going to. We'll put them all to sleep, until she awakens."

And that's precisely what they do. Even though they had absolutely no way of knowing at the time that the cure for Aurora's curse, her true love, was out gallivanting about the woods. They chose putting the entire kingdom in a never-ending coma over allowing them to experience icky feelings.

Remember that thing Maleficent did? You know, the one that made her the villain of this movie? Well Flora, Fauna, and Merryweather did that to fucking everyone.

Peter Pan is the timeless story of a juvenile stalker who breaks into the house of a girl he likes and kidnaps her. But the movie never tries to hide the fact that Peter is a frightening maniac -- this time around we're victim-shaming Wendy, the lone pillar of maturity in the whole story, who is so desperate to escape Peter's nightmare world that she attempts suicide.

No, we're not watching the Russian translation of the film. It really happens.

Near the end of the movie, Wendy, her brothers, and the Lost Boys have been captured by Captain Hook and his underlings. Hook gives Wendy a choice: Sign up to serve with his crew of seafaring delinquents, or walk the plank. Wendy, ever the voice of reason, chooses to take a stand. She refuses to sign Hook's pirate agreement, opting instead to walk the plank.

"Hey, thanks for saying we'd all rather drown stupidly instead of signing a paper."

But ... why? Why is it better to walk the plank than sign a paper? She certainly wasn't expecting a daring, last-minute rescue by Peter (even though that's what happens), because last she saw Peter he was a bit busy being exploded.

Wendy have could have simply signed the paper while winking at her brothers, trying to buy enough time and distraction for them to formulate an escape plan. Or better yet, she could have signed it and pretended to be a pirate for a day (isn't that what this whole world is about, pretending to be stuff?) until everyone went to sleep, and then just left. Because you know what a contract with backstabbing, murderous pirates means? Jack fucking shit. What is Hook going to do, sue? The legal system in Neverland is notoriously lax.

Walt Disney
"All rise, the Honorable Tick-Tock Croc presiding!"

But no, Wendy was clearly just looking for any excuse to end it. Goodbye cruel world, goodbye eight-year-old John, goodbye four-year-old Michael. Good luck as orphans in this world full of bloodthirsty pirates, horribly offensive Indian stereotypes, and inappropriately sexy mermaids, boys. See you in the next life (probably soon).

Sofia The First is a Disney Junior series about a peasant-turned-princess -- Sofia, in case that wasn't self-evident -- who receives a magical amulet that, among other things, allows her to talk to animals. Her sudden transition to royalty means that poor Sofia's world is thrown upside down, and she doesn't know who, if anybody, she can trust -- but at least the animals are there for her. They are her helpers, her confidants, her best friends, and also her dinner.

Disney Television Animation
Here's Sofia, having friends over for dinner.

Yep, Princess Sofia and her family eat meat. Now, we love animals and we also eat meat, which is a base level hypocrisy we will no doubt one day have to account for when get lost on a farm and the LSD turns on us. But here's the thing: Animals don't talk to us. Yet.

But they talk to Sofia.

Disney Television Animation
"Friends for dinner? Again?"

And she eats them.

All Sofia does in this show is stand up for what she believes in. That's the whole point. It's a show about being yourself, and doing the right thing, even when it's hard. Speaking up for those who don't have a voice of their own, even if your opinion is in the minority. But apparently the line is drawn at how delicious steak is. Which, for the record, is super delicious.

Disney Television Animation
"My dinner had a first name, it was O-S-C-A-R! He struggled with depression, but it was getting B-E-T-T-E-R ..."

Young Charlie's topical grief for Dead Santa, as seen in the last ten seconds or so of that clip, is all he'll ever get. No one else in the entire trilogy ever once gives a single, steaming reindeer shit about the Santa whom Scott just killed.

When Scott first puts on the red suit, it takes a full year for him to physically transform into Santa -- white hair and obesity and all -- meaning that Dead Santa was Santa for at least one year, with an adventure and story all his own. One that ended in his untimely death, and nobody bats an eye.

When Scott arrives at the North Pole for the very first time, he's greeted by the elves, who, after finding out their boss/friend/father figure just died, proceed to smile and cheer "It's Santa! It's Santa!" at the man who killed him:

Any given Christmas could be the current Santa's last. And no one will cry for him when he's gone. They'll be far too busy creating the next one for that.

Walt Disney
Santa Claus is dead. Long live Santa Claus.

Nathan is a Christian and says things like, "Glory to God in the highest!" He is also called Treegnome, and is hilarious, usually here, on his website.

Zoroastrianism used to be one of the biggest religions in the world, but their idea of heaven had a slight twist on it: to get there you'd have to cross a bridge. Sometimes rickety, sometimes wide and sturdy, if you fell off you'd go to the House of Lies for eternity. Fun! Not terrifying at all! This month, Jack, Dan, and Michael along with comedians Casey Jane Ellison and Ramin Nazer as they discuss their favorite afterlife scenarios from movies, sci-fi and lesser-known religions. Get your tickets here and we'll see you on the other side of the bridge!

For more reasons to be frightened by Disney films, check out The 7 Most Terrifying Disney Movie Deaths and 7 Classic Disney Movies That Taught Us Terrible Lessons.

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