5

Councilman Scraps Town's Tornado Sirens (For A $37.95 Payday)

KOCO News 5

Some people don't go corrupt for the money -- they do it for the art. That's the only way to explain the alleged actions of former Luther, Oklahoma, Councilman James Richard Smith's actions, which cost his city thousands and netted him just enough cash for a tank of gas.

In 2015, Smith, while still a councilman, noticed Luther had just received six brand-new tornado sirens and saw a chance to make some serious coin. If he had just lifted them like a normal person, he might well have actually made some money -- the sirens were worth thousands each. But he didn't do that. Instead, while overseeing a group of prisoners cleaning up the city during a work program, witnesses say, he hired (i.e. forced) three of them to strip all the aluminum and copper from the sirens. That's like the shittiest Joker scheme ever.

KOCO News 5
At least when he tried to copyright fish, he used the whole body.

In total, the prisoners removed 62 pounds of aluminum and 92 pounds of copper, which Smith took to a recycling center and sold for a hefty ... $157.95. He made just over a buck a pound. Even more ridiculous, after paying each prisoner $40, he found himself pocketing a mere $37.95. That's less than the prisoners got!

KFOR Newschannel 4
We're sure the tornadoes will take his generosity into consideration before blowing his house to Texas.

4

Guy Slowly Steals $460,000 In Quarters Over Two Years

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You know that Johnny Cash song "One Piece At A Time," where Cash scores himself a free car by stealing tiny part after tiny part over 20 years and then assembles it into a barely working glob of mismatched metal? Somebody actually tried that, but with money. But because he's not Johnny Cash, his approach was a lot less patient, a lot more stupid, and he got caught.

In 2011, Thomas Rica, former public works inspector of Ridgewood, New Jersey, decided that he needed some extra funds to supplement his meager public servant salary of $86,000. The Dickensian pauper quickly found his solution: the town's meter coin storage room, which was bursting with quarters. Rica used a master key to gain unauthorized access to the room and made off with a fistful of quarters. It went so well that he soon went back again. And again. And again. For two years, Rica would snatch quarters and deposit them in his bank account, using coin-counting machines to both cash in and avoid the suspicion that typically comes with dumping thousands of coins on a clerk's desk and saying, "Count 'em."

North Jersey Record
Sadly, don't expect "but someone might steal the money!" to work on the meter maid ticketing your car.

3

Russian Official Steals (And Sells) 30 Miles Of Road

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Some people adopt roads. Others just outright steal them, like Russian prison chief Alexander Protopopov. In 2014, Protopopov was running a northern Russian prison system when he observed a 30-mile highway and saw ruble signs. Apparently concluding that Putin and his goons were too far away to notice that a fucking road disappeared, Protopopov ordered his prisoners to remove all 7,000 slabs of concrete that made up the road. They were rewarded for their hard work by rotting in their cells while Protopopov sold the cement to a business partner for a hefty profit. That partner then turned around and sold the slabs again, also for a hefty profit. You know who didn't profit? Russia, who's out roughly 6 million rubles (around 77,000 Cold War-winner bucks) in damages.

Imenno
Given's Russia's reputation for stellar roadwork, expect them to shell out the money sometime in 2125.

2

Soldiers Are Pawning A Shit-Ton Of Equipment On eBay

Anne Broache / CNET

You won't believe this, but the military frowns on its soldiers stealing expensive equipment and selling it online to anonymous buyers who might be spooning with ISIS. And yet, this happens all the damn time.

Take Douglas Rubsam, an ex-Marine who lifted hundreds of restricted munitions from his base and sold them on eBay like they were old shirts. His most popular item was light interference filters, which protect night vision goggles from getting lasered to smithereens. LIFs are apparently the new Tickle Me Elmo, as Rubsam sold over 200 of them for what we're sure was a good gob of money. While he claims he simply found them near a dumpster and took them home legally, the fact that he illegally made over 40 sales to China and Russia -- frenemies who might be a tad interested in how American military tech works -- probably means he's off the sergeant's Christmas card list for a long time.

Arms List
"You better hope Santa gets you a crowbar, so you can pry my foot from your ass."

1

Anti-Counterfeiting Expert Steals $1.7 Million (In Real Cash)

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In 1989, the United States Treasury tapped printing engineer Robert Schmitt Jr. for their "Threaded Currency Paper Project," in which new threads would be sewn into $100 bills to make them harder to counterfeit. But since the bills weren't woven out of neutron stars, they remained just as easy to steal.

And it took until only 1994 for Schmitt to finally realize, "Nobody ever suspects the butler!" He twice gained access to a special vault, where he waltzed out with 17,000 crisp, freshly threaded $100 bills. When a man barely scrapes by on $67,000 per year in 1990s money, he gets desperate.

United States Government
"$1.7 million stolen is $1.7 million earned."

Such an egregious theft didn't take long to unravel, because while Schmitt certainly was brazen, he wasn't very clever. He had deposited roughly $300,000 in various bank accounts using a method called "smurfing," where a money launderer deposits funds just below $10,000 to avoid triggering an automatic investigation (painting oneself blue and trolling a crazy old man and his fuck-ugly cat are optional). He also used $685,000 to purchase four houses, including a waterfront estate for $400,000, because that's not suspicious. People making $67,000 a year buy four expensive homes all the time.

Natalia Bratslavsky/iStock/Getty Images
"Just cut back on Domino's for a month and any of you could do the same."

But it's always the one detail you neglect that comes back to fuck you in the ass -- in Schmitt's case, he didn't realize that banks deal with tons of smurfing, so they typically investigate and report deposits slightly under $10,000, just in case. That's why, in 1995, the IRS rudely invited themselves over for dinner at his place. In lieu of dessert, they confiscated the $650,000 he still had tucked away in his car, which makes him history's laziest smurfer, aside from whoever wrote the second movie.

With the jig completely up, Schmitt surrendered and took responsibility for everything. And by that, we mean he blamed drugs. According to Schmitt's lawyer, he was on Prozac, and a bad drug reaction had prompted him to live like a Robin Leach outtake.

Wavebreakmedia Ltd/Wavebreak Media/Getty Images
Side effects include headaches, nausea, federal grand larceny, and constipation.

The judge obviously knew this was bullshit, and locked him up for just over two years. He got lucky, though -- Schmitt could've gotten 20 years, plus a $600,000 fine, and we're guessing none of that sweet, sweet car money would've counted.

Jason would like everybody reading this to give him a quarter. He promises to reward you with selfies of him partying it up while wearing his brand-new night vision goggles. Follow him on Facebook and Twitter, and discuss payment there.

Be sure to check out 5 Shockingly Crazy Judges Who Presided Over Modern Courts and 5 Certifiably Insane Politicians People Still Voted For.

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