With the presidential election looming, we've reached a point where all of the craziest candidates have been filtered out of the process.
So as John McCain and Barack Obama drone on about policies, issues and other tedium, we'd like to take a moment to celebrate the craziest bastards who have run for -- and even freaking won -- public office.
Larry Kilgore, coming off a run for the US Senate in Texas, is what some people might call insane. Certifiably insane. Like "will eventually wind up in a bell tower with a rifle" insane.
Running on a platform that hopes to see Texas gain independence from the US, Kilgore takes all his cues from the Old Testament. As such, he believes people such as adulterers and homosexuals should be put to death. Oh and they'll be killed within 24 hours of conviction. Lest you think yourself free from Kilgore's frothy-mouthed wrath, he also has flogging listed as a punishment for "lesser" crimes. In fact, he says this on his website:
Quote Judges will flog those convicted of fornication; of public use of vulgar sexual and excretory language; of sexually suggestive dress or behavior; of intoxication; and of possession of pornography. Judges will flog more severely those convicted of transvestism; of public nudity; and of distributing pornography. And judges will flog more severely still those convicted of prostitution; of producing pornography for any use; and of sexual acts in public places
The fact that he's basically set up the entire judiciary to spend 40 hours a week handing out non-stop beatings to a good 90 percent of the country until they all have to go on disability with severe tennis elbow doesn't seem to be a concern to him or the 225,897 people who voted for him last time he ran.
Fear not for there's apparently some wiggle room in all of this, because he admits on his very own site that he's repented for watching porn on both the internet and TV with no mention of being beaten. On the plus side, it looks like being a fuckstick of divine proportions isn't a floggable offense so he's clear on that count.
Probable Mental Illness:
Transpersonal Identity Disorder.
This is the from first paragraph from a paper on the subject:
"... driven by the certainty that they are privy to sacred truths and are therefore morally obligated to do everything in their power -- no matter how many people may suffer -- to act upon these truths ... a tendency to dehumanize and even demonize those who oppose them."
Sounds like Kilgore to us. Also, Kevin Spacey from Se7en.
James Traficant, former Democratic Congressman from Ohio, was about as far out in left field as you can get. More accurately, he was over the left field fence, in the parking lot, licking puddles of anti-freeze from under buses.
Sure, he was expelled from Congress and convicted on charges of bribery, tax evasion, racketeering and forcing his aides to do chores on his farm including bailing hay and building a corral (possibly for the bulls we assume he rode around to make his hair look like that). But that's all par for the course. If corruption proved you were crazy, half the world would be in straight jackets.No, Traficant makes it into the crazy politician hall of fame for the dozens upon dozens of insane, one minute speeches he made while in the House, such as this little chestnut of wisdom:
"Madam Speaker, it started with the training bra and then it came to the push-up bra; the support bra, the Wonder bra, the super bra," he said. "There is even a smart bra. Now, if that is not enough to prop up your curiosity, there is now a new bra. It is called the holster bra, the gun bra. That is right, a brassiere to conceal a hidden handgun. Unbelievable. What is next? A maxi-girdle to conceal a stinger missile? Beam me up. I advise all men in America against taking women to drive-in movies who may end up getting shot in a passionate embrace. I yield back all those plain old Maidenform brassieres and chain link pantyhose."
And this awesome threat, which Cracked staff has used ever since:
"If you don't get those cameras out of my face, I'm gonna go 8.6 on the Richter scale with gastric emissions that'll clear this room."
From Traficant's own website
Currently Traficant is serving his prison sentence with a projected release date sometime in 2009. In the meantime, we assume he's using the beast on his head to warn him of any attacks from the rear in the showers or shivs out on the yard.
Probable Mental Illness:
Antisocial Personality Disorder.
Sounds like Traficant. Also Jack Nicholson's Frank Costello from The Departed.
Bob Dornan is the former member of the House of Representatives who may be the only politician who has ever uttered the phrase "spear-chucking lesbians" where anyone else could hear him. Which is to say, the man has a way with words. When not insulting people, he spends his time waiting to insult people or bouncing checks in an effort to build a Virgin Mary grotto in his backyard. We don't know what that means either. Nonetheless, it was his excuse after the check bouncing came to light in the House Banking scandal
Dornan also made himself famous for assaulting Tom Downey on the floor of the House. Downey called Dornan out for earlier calling him a "draft-dodging wimp" after which Dornan grabbed him by the shirt and tie and politely told him he'd hand him his ass if they were outside. Dornan claims he was just adjusting the man's tie, and who are we to argue? Sometimes people need tie adjustments in the middle of arguments in front of witnesses.
A rabid defender of the pro-life movement and "family values," Dornan has suggested any men in the pro-choice movement are either women trapped in men's bodies, or they're looking to bang all those pro-choice chicks who are obviously easy. You may remember that same joke from the movie Dogma, uttered by the character Jay. Now imagine if Jay was an elected official. Now imagine he built Virgin Mary grottos.
Also apparently a fashionista, Dornan was quoted once as saying Bill Clinton wore silk girly girl shorts that showed off his beautiful white dough boy thighs. Inexplicably he also made it clear that gay men love his thighs in an interview, perhaps indicating jealousy motivates his hate of Clinton's thighs, or just a sense of superiority.
Probable Mental Illness:
Dissocial Personality Disorder.
According to Wikipedia, these criteria fit the bill:
"Callous unconcern for the feelings of others and lack of the capacity for empathy," "very low tolerance to frustration and a low threshold for discharge of aggression, including violence," "marked proneness to blame others or to offer plausible rationalizations for the behavior bringing the subject into conflict."
Sounds like him. Also, Joe Pesci's character Tommy from Goodfellas.
Jim Bunning is an ex-Major League Baseball pitcher and Hall of Famer. He also currently represents Kentucky in the US Senate. Good for him. Also, he may be a lunatic, good for all of us. And especially those in Kentucky, we suppose.
Bunning's most noticeable problems started during his 2004 reelection campaign when he said his opponent looked like one of Saddam's Hussein's sons (Hussein's sons, if you didn't know, allegedly dragged people through gravel and then immersed them in sewage to guarantee their wounds got infected and used torture devices to tear open people's anuses).
Bunning later went on to claim the same opponent beat the shit out of the lovely Mrs. Bunning at a picnic. Sure, that could have happened. It's not a real picnic until somebody's wife gets punched. But then, the "little green doctors" showed up ...
Alrighty. Little green men and random assault aside, Bunning was raring to go during a televised debate when he insisted on using a teleprompter, due to either a total lack of understanding about what a televised debate is, or a fear that he'd unleash a batshit insane rant mid-debate. He also stipulated that he would not be there in person but televised from Republican national HQ, that no independent observers could be in the room with him, that nothing he said could be rebroadcast and it had to be broadcast live in the afternoon instead of during prime time.
Probable Mental Illness:
This is an easy one. Schizophrenia. Characterized, according to Wikipedia, "by impairments in the perception or expression of reality, most commonly manifesting as auditory hallucinations, paranoid or bizarre delusions or disorganized speech and thinking in the context of significant social or occupational dysfunction."
Famous sufferers include the "Tooth Fairy" (Tom Noonan) from Manhunter:
We don't want to imply that America is the home of every insane politician. In fact, Australia seems to have made advancements in insane politician technology that has put our system to shame.
Mark Latham had a long and notable political career as leader of the Australian Labor Party and Leader of the Opposition, as well as holding the awesome title of "shadow minister" for education. Maybe that super villain title went to his head and caused him to engage in diabolical behavior, or maybe he was just an asshole.
Latham was known for occasionally referring to handicapped opponents as "deformed," dropping to the floor at dinner parties to do push ups to impress women, acknowledging he'd probably piss on his opponent if they were standing at urinals together, promising more "bling bling" for everyone if he became Prime Minister and for calling a journalist a "skanky ho." But we're told none of that is necessarily unusual in Australia.
However, when he wind-sprinted down a street after a cabbie who had allegedly stolen his briefcase, tackled him and then broke his arm, things started to get a little weird.
During the 2004 election campaign, Latham met his opponent publicly and shook his hand, while at the same time pulling the small man towards him and possibly giving him Eskimo kisses.
Later in his life, while having dinner at a restaurant with his sons, his picture was taken by a photographer from a newspaper. Latham, channeling his inner diva, lunged at the man and took the camera, smashed it to pieces and called the man a pedophile, which is probably a natural reaction when you're a public official and see someone in a public place taking pictures of you. He faced several charges for that but was kind enough to send all the tiny camera pieces back to its owner in the mail.
In 2006, Latham wrote a book called A Conga Line of Suckholes. We never found out what the book was about, because we were afraid there'd be pictures.
After he had left politics for good, dealing with various health concerns, another politician who had become an advocate for depression awareness took the time to publicly diagnose Latham as having bipolar disorder. Latham took this poorly and said it hurt him and his family, apparently preferring the public go back to the original diagnosis of "asshole."
Probable Mental Illness:
We're going to agree with the diagnosis of bipolar disorder. For an example see fellow Australian Russell Crowe, in real life.