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If Your Index Finger Is Longer Than Your Ring Finger, You Might Have Schizophrenia

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Quick, men, compare your right hand's index finger and ring finger. Is your index finger longer? Yes? Congratulations, you might have schizophrenia.

Jeremy Kemp
No, we said the other fingers. Why are you showing us that one?

At least, that's according to a study published in Clinical Anatomy, where researchers measured the hands of over a hundred male patients with schizophrenia and then compared them to the fingers of a hundred men without the condition. They found that schizophrenic men were, on average, equipped with long right index fingers but had been shortchanged in the ring finger department. What the hell do your fingers have to do with your brain, you might be wondering? The answer is simple: They were both created in the same place. Yeah, it's all your mom's fault, basically.

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"Also, her maternity clothes were so ugly, it warped your terrible fashion sense in the womb."

6

Say Words Like "Um" And "Because" A Lot While Speaking? You're A Potential Psychopath

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Not everyone can speak as clearly and mellifluously as an NPR radio show host: Most of you probably litter interjections like "um" throughout your sentences or repeat certain words more often than your English teacher would find acceptable. But you don't do this too much, we hope, because that might mean you're a psychopath.

In movies and shows, psychopaths are usually well-spoken and sophisticated (except for the occasional taunt regarding the investigative officer's anatomy), but that's not how they sound in real life. Researchers put together a study composed entirely of convicted murderers, with 14 out of the 52 ranked as psychopaths by the Whoever Ranks People As Psychopaths Association (WRPAPA). They had the murderers talk about their crimes and the events leading up to them, and they found that those who were psychopaths had much more disfluencies ("uhs" and "ums") in their speech.

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"He murdered the victim; we think we might be murdering language. Get me WRPAPA."

The researchers think this is probably because the psychos have to constantly stop their speech to "put the mask of sanity on." Another verbal curiosity: Psychopaths use words like "because" and "so that" more often, because they see everything in terms of cause and effect. Whereas a "normal" murderer will ramble about motivations like family or religion, psychos paint their crimes as inevitable sequences of events that anyone should find perfectly logical, even if they start with, "So one day my neighbor's dog said ..."

5

Short People Have Heart Attacks Written Into Their DNA

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It's common knowledge that you'll never see a whole lot of senior citizen basketball players; the human heart just can't be arsed to support a seven-footer for 90 years of life. Well, we now know that it also works the other way: Researchers, in their ongoing quest to prove that everything is going to kill us, have determined that shortness correlates with heart attack risk in men.

Jacques-Louis David
And not just because of the Napoleon complex, as fitting as that may be.

After studying nearly 200,000 people, researchers from the British Heart Foundation found that for every extra 2.5 inches you have on your height, your chance of coronary disease is cut by 13.5 percent (they don't specify what the base height is from which to determine these "extra" inches, but let's just assume they mean from your toes). For something easier to put into perspective, they found that the difference in chance of heart problems of a 5-footer and a 6-footer -- who smokes as much and eats the same amount of ribs -- is 64 percent.

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"It's bad enough that peers pick on me; you betray me too?"

4

Avoiding Eye Contact Can Be A Sign Of Schizophrenia

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Withholding eye contact is considered one of the clearest signs that the person you're talking to must be a shifty motherfucker -- if someone you know won't look you in the eye during conversation, you'll probably assume they're trying to hide something. But, don't worry, there's another explanation: They could simply be schizophrenic. See, we've known for a while that people with schizophrenia tend to avoid eye contact, but a recent study determined that it's not that they're rude; it's that, sometimes, they can't even tell which way you're looking.

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"My eyes are up here, buddy. I think."

The researchers simply sat schizophrenic patients in front of photos of people looking in different directions, and found that they had trouble figuring out when someone's eyes were pointed at them. They also performed poorly in other visual tests, which confirms that it's not just faces that baffle them. In fact, people with schizophrenia tend to have trouble holding their gaze on objects in general, whether they're moving or not. Move your finger in front of your face and try to follow it with your eyes. Did you go too fast or too slow? Then, once again, we're afraid that you (maybe) have schizophrenia.

Jeremy Kemp
You can actually use that one this time.

3

Asians Who Get Red While Drinking Have A Higher Chance Of Cancer

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For Caucasians, alcohol-induced facial redness is normal -- with a few shots any joke seems like an '80s Eddie Murphy monologue, and choking from our own breathless laughter can turn any face red. That's why it can be easy to misinterpret your Asian friend's red face as the same harmless thing, when it's actually a sign of a potentially deadly condition.

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No, not thinking you suddenly don't suck at singing, though that can be deadly in some countries.

What we're describing is referred to as "Asian flush." When you take someone of Korean, Chinese, or Japanese descent out for a night on the town and they start to get red after a few drinks, what they're experiencing isn't the usual harmless flushing that people from other parts of the Benetton spectrum get -- it's the result of a dangerous chemical reaction caused by genetic deficiencies. More specifically, they can't properly metabolize alcohol because they lack a certain ethanol-busting enzyme known as ALDH2, which leads them to build up a toxic substance called acetaldehyde (aka, the shit that turns you red).

Some Asians with this genetic deficiency can't metabolize alcohol at all, but others who persist end up doing so with heart palpitations and flushing ... not just in the face, but all the way down to their waists. Other symptoms include nausea, headaches, and increased heart rate. And since these are symptoms easily confused with regular ol' drunkenness, most people don't even realize anything's wrong.

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We sincerely hope this guy is only red because someone tricked him into drinking pee.

2

Psychopaths Are Less Likely To "Catch" A Yawn

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We all know the age-old maxim that yawns are contagious, and we all went through that brief spell in childhood where we thought this meant yawning was actually a disease and you could force it on the rest of your friends by yawning in their faces ( ... right?). Humans aren't the only animals that do this -- chimpanzees and dogs have been observed falling under the spell of the domino-effect yawn, as well as many other social mammals. Essentially, yawning is contagious because we are empathetic with each other, and seeing someone yawn makes us in turn subconsciously want to say, "Hells yeah, I'm getting me some of that action."

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Aaaand, we just made everyone reading this at work look bad.

But then there are those who aren't empathetic, and those who are so far off the not-empathetic charts that science considers them psychopathic. Psychopaths are generally less empathetic, as the whole "remorselessly killing other people" thing hints at, so researchers wanted to test if this determined whether or not they would yawn subconsciously along with the rest of us. So, they had participants fill out a questionnaire that first determined their level of general cold-heartedness, to see where on the spectrum of "bleeding-heart hippie to utter psychopath" they fell. Afterward, they made the participants watch different videos of people either laughing, yawning, or doing nothing at all, and then recorded their reactions.

1

If You Can Tickle Yourself, You Might Be A Schizophrenic

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It's a cold hard fact of life we all learned when we were kids: You can tickle your friends, your friends can tickle you, but you can't tickle yourself.

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Nope, doesn't count.

But why is this? The simple answer is that the brain already expects it when you try to tickle yourself, so it essentially doesn't give a fuck. But it's not really as simple as that; after all, no matter how much warning you have that some asshole is about to jump you and start hitting all your most sensitive spots, it's still going to give you laughing fits to the brink of tears. The more sciency answer is that your brain doesn't react the same way when the movements are self-produced, as opposed to external forces that are tickling your funny spots.

There is an exception, however. If you've been going through these last few paragraphs thinking, "But I can tickle myself!" then there's a high chance that (for the third time today) you're schizophrenic. Sorry.

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If it's any consolation, we're a figment of your imagination and you're just looking at a blank screen.

See, for the rest of us, we don't laugh from self-tickling because we understand that our movements are self-induced; you touch your body and you know it's you touching it, whether you see it or not. But schizophrenic patients have neurological changes in the brain that disable or impede how much you can identify self-initiated actions. Even if they understand the theory that they're tickling themselves, their brain doesn't register the fact that their movements are responsible for the tickling sensations on their skin, and thus they end up making themselves laugh. Which is horrible, when you think about it, because THE TICKLE MONSTER WAS YOU ALL ALONG.

Want more shit to self-diagnose yourself with and freak out about? Then check out 5 Physical Details That Reveal Highly Personal Information and Your Body Hates You: 6 Gruesome Disorders Anyone Can Get.

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