Cosmetic surgery has always been the preferred area of specialization for shady doctors, but at least you could tell that they were in it for the money and not simply because they like reshaping bodies into bizarre forms, Cronenberg-style. We're no longer so sure about that. If you thought stuff like chest hair implantation or injecting cadaver fat into your vocal cords were the most dubious cosmetic procedures available, then get ready to feast your eyes on some even more hideous examples of voluntary surgical body horrification, starting with ...
7 Limb Lengthening
Are you short? Do you hate being short? Then there's a wonderful solution for you: Deal with it like an adult, you big baby! (Or little baby. Whatever.) Alternatively, you could do what one Jon-Stewart-sized gentleman from New York did and pay a doctor to extend your limbs with a new procedure that looks straight out of a Saw movie.
Fifteen minutes into this thing, you'll start swearing allegiance to the Spanish crown.
For some reason, only a select few doctors in the U.S. are willing to carry out these "limb-lengthening" operations, wherein a person's leg bones are repeatedly broken, pulled apart, and then held in place by a system of metal contraptions while the bones slowly grow back, millimeter by agonizing millimeter. Maybe it's because every part of that last sentence sounds like the exact opposite of what doctors do, but we're not sure. Naturally, this this can be a godsend for those born with dwarfism or limb irregularities. However, there are also plenty of regular-sized people who consider a relatively minor body image issue reason enough to line up for the opportunity to reenact Joe Theismann's last professional football game over and over. All of that, just to be able to reach the top shelf of the pantry without stretching.
It can take months of surgeries, along with a lengthy period of tortuous rehabilitative therapy, before the process is complete. And if you think that sounds painful, wait until you hear about the $85,000 price tag. But if you're unable or unwilling to pay through the nose for a little more leg, you could always travel to a country where regulations are a little less ... regulation-y. But be prepared to deal with few potential side effects, like not being able to ever walk again. Which is clearly still better than living life as some 5' 7'' freak, even if people like that do wind up making a good living in popular action movie franchises.
6 Ball Ironing (Or, Lasering The Wrinkles Off Your Ballsack)
If you own a scrotum, or have been in the vicinity of one at some point, you might have noticed that the ugly bastards tend to be kinda wrinkly. That's one of the unavoidable facts of life ... is what a complete chump would say. Real men demand a dickbag smoother than a baby dolphin, and are willing to pay good money to achieve it. Note: We can't show you photos of the actual procedures for this entry, so we'll have to use the closest analogues available:
Touchstone Pictures, Cindy Ord/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
Before and after.
While the word "scrotoplasty" might sound like a throwaway South Park joke (or maybe a plot point from one of the racier Golden Girls episodes), it's a real term that covers a number of fun-filled, testicle-related operations of the reparative, reconstructive, and transformative varieties. However, the one that occupies us today is purely cosmetic -- it's called "scrotal lift surgery," but it's best known as "ball ironing" and/or "tackle tightening." There's really no way to describe it mildly, so go ahead and sit down or something before this next part. OK, here it goes: It involves a doctor frying the wrinkles off your nads with a fucking laser.
You have to pay extra if you want the laser operator to do the accent.
And it's not a one-time thing; you have to keep going back for another beanbag assault every four weeks if you want to maintain the sleekness of your nethers. And for the love of God, you better hope everything goes right, or the entire works might wind up fried, thus rendering you unable to have any children to pass your impeccable decision-making skills onto. Oh, and there's reportedly also the possibility that you could ejaculate into your bladder, among a long list of other nightmare scenarios.
"It's as if millions of sperm cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced."
In case it's not as obvious as the balls on your face, experts have advised that "the drawbacks [of lasering your balls] aren't worth the potential benefits." Nonetheless, the operation is apparently quite popular, due in no small part to the wit and wisdom of one George Clooney, after he joked in a 2013 interview that "I never fixed my eyes, but I spent more money to stretch the skin of my testicles. I did not like the wrinkles." At least, we think he was joking, since he made the exact same claim back in 2008. Aaaaand now we're all imagining what Clooney's ballsack looks like, so let's move on.