The 7 Most Insane Dick Moves Ever Pulled By Sports Fans
Assuming we don't completely turn Earth's biosphere into a toilet fire at a bus station McDonald's, scholars thousands of years from now will pore over millions upon millions of minutes of televised sporting events, not unlike the way modern archaeologists dig up the detritus of gladiator matches. And after watching untold hours of Green Bay Packers, Manchester United, and Trenton Thunder games, those intrepid future researchers will solemnly conclude, "Christ, what a bunch of assholes."
The following moments will be the ones that end up in museums.
A Phillies Fan Intentionally Vomited On A Child
To be perfectly fair, one of the only ways to get through the interminable slog of a baseball game is to get blackout dru-- uh, to consume a moderate amount of alcohol. And if you live in Philadelphia, there might be reason to consume a little bit more.
Alcohol was the mildest drug involved in the creation of this thing.
Back in 2010, a young man who had recently turned 21, and thus should totally have known his own consumption limits, went to a Phillies game and got a little bit over-the-top drunk with some friends. After an off-duty police officer and his 16-year-old daughter had the audacity to ask them to keep the noise down (especially since his 11-year-old daughter was present as well), the young chaps responded by hurling beer and their own spit at the family. Shockingly, this resulted in one of the drunk assholes getting kicked out of the stadium.
But the protagonist in our tale would not stand for this injustice. He proudly announced to his friends that he was about to pull some grand maneuver, then reached into his throat and projectile vomited on the 11-year-old.
On the charge of public intoxication the verdict simply read "No shit."
Between this incident, the fact that the Eagles' stadium once housed a temporary courthouse in a maintenance room to process drunk lunatics, Philadelphia sports fans' penchant for throwing batteries, and that one time Eagles fans booed Santa Claus, there's a strong case that -- despite possessing some of the nation's most byzantine booze laws -- the City of Brotherly Love should raise the minimum drinking age to 105.
New York Giants Fans Snowballed The Chargers
'Twas two nights before Christmas, 1995.
And the Chargers' playoff hopes were barely alive.
Some football was scheduled, though a chill filled the air,
Because the Giants sucked that year, and nobody cared.
Right before the last game of the regular season, a sudden blizzard covered the New York Giants' stadium with snow. There was no time to clean up the stands before the big game with the San Diego Chargers (who really needed to beat the Giants to get to the playoffs). That's when Giants fans pulled together and started cleaning the snow themselves ... by picking it up and using it to pelt the shit out of the Chargers' players.
And the referees too, but this was an upgrade from the usual broken bottles and used condoms.
Chargers equipment manager Sid Brooks was knocked unconscious by a stray snowbullet and was taken out on a stretcher, which did nothing to calm the army of Calvins in the audience. Two things helped this happen: 1) The Giants had lost about twice as many games as they'd won that year, so there was a general "don't give a crap" sentiment among their fans that day, and 2) perhaps due to a combination of the aforementioned factor and the cold, everyone was drunk as fuck.
"Fuck the Red Sox!"
"This is an NFL game."
So who won? The Giants were up by a good margin going into the last quarter. But then karma took a casualty of her own, and San Diego managed to beat them by 27-17, probably making local fans feel like they'd been attacking the wrong team the whole time.
Texas Rangers Fans Honor A Deceased Fan With Trash
Back in 2011, a man named Shannon Stone fell over the outfield wall at the Texas Rangers' stadium and died while trying to catch a ball for his son. To honor his memory and do something cool for his family, the Rangers erected a statue of Stone right outside the ballpark in Arlington.
The statue's dedication is to "Rangers Fans" in general ... but maybe they should have left it in the singular. You see, by opening day in 2014, people had noticed that this bronze depiction of a deceased man and his son had an alternate use. It was a super convenient place to deposit all of the shit they didn't want to carry anymore -- presumably, mostly empty cans of booze and the occasional abandoned baby. Yep, they turned the touching tribute into a mini-landfill.
At least this explains why he's leaving the stadium.
It would be one thing if this were a monument to a notoriously hard-drinking former Rangers player, but it's a tragic memorial to a father. Rather than treat it with some kind of dignity, people dumped beer cans and empty cups at the base like some kind of underachieving frat party. The Rangers promised that they'd make sure this would never happen again, hopefully by hiring legit Texas Rangers as security and instructing them to fine litterers with roundhouse kicks.
"Fan Man" Drops Into Sporting Events Unannounced (Literally)
James Miller was the secret identity of the guy who went down in history as "Fan Man" -- not because of his devotion to sports, but due to the actual fan strapped to his back. Which he used to pull stunts like this one:
Raise your hand if you just got that Simpsons joke.
In 1993, Fan Man parachuted into the heavyweight title fight between Evander Holyfield and Riddick Bowe in Las Vegas. After gliding around Caesar's Palace, Miller crashed balls-first onto the side of the ring in the middle of the seventh round, with the lines from his paraglider still tangled in the lights above. Fans (of the other type this time) proceeded to beat the everloving para-poop out of him, and he was ejected from the arena.
Miller's explanation for almost ruining the match was that he was simply flying in the Las Vegas night sky, as one does, when he accidentally fell into the ring due to a mechanical problem. This explanation looked increasingly unlikely after he "accidentally" disrupted an Oakland Raiders match two months later ...
Presumably, he fed on pigeons and rain as he careened out of control for two months.
... and then "accidentally" did the same thing again during a soccer game in England (we assume he didn't have to pay for airfare). He topped off his adventures by landing in Buckingham Palace and removing his pants to reveal that the lower part of his body was painted green ... or that green was his natural color, and alien invasions are a lot more underwhelming in real life. He was deported and banned from the country, possibly becoming the first person to be kicked out of England for being too disruptive at a soccer game.
Speaking of disrupting soccer games, Miller was nothing compared to ...
Serbian Soccer Fans Are Burning Each Other's Stadiums
They say that professional sports are a great way to let out all the hostilities that would otherwise cause us to start wars. That's debatable in the case of Serbian soccer, though, since there isn't much of a difference between the two things for them. In the mid-1940s, two rival political factions formed their own teams, Red Star and Partizan. Seventy years later, the grudge is still going strong. It's arguably the ugliest rivalry in soccer (which is saying something).
The lifelong enemies skip over traditional feud elements, such as diss tracks and passive-aggressive tweets, and are on a nasty streak of setting stadiums on fire:
At least we don't see any vuvuzelas.
That's from 2013, when Red Star was winning the Belgrade Derby (which sounds more like a horse race than an unholy hellfire). Partizan fans did not take it well, so they decided to leave their mark in their enemies' stadium. The opposite happened in 2009, when Partizan enjoyed a 2-0 victory at home and Red Star supporters lit up the place's plastic seats. Even "normal" matches look like they were directed by Michael Bay. Seriously, working in this stadium requires balls of steel:
"What the ...? That guy brought in outside food!"
That's also from 2013, which is too close to the present for that kind of scorched-earth policy to be continuing. Today, Red Star leads the series 61-44, with 41 ties. Maybe if there weren't so many draws, the fans would feel engaged in the sport long enough to not set shit on fire.
A Streaker Pretends To Be A Referee, Causes A Giant Fight
It's pretty common for students at big-time collegiate games and unoriginal people who need a last-second Halloween costume to dress up like a blind referee. All you need is a striped shirt, black pants, a pair of dark sunglasses, and no shame. Do this at a party, and you might get a few chuckles. Try it at a UCLA vs. Arizona game, and you could get some players suspended, as this guy did in a roundabout way.
During a critical conference game, as the referees were arguing about a call shortly before halftime (with Arizona leading 42-7, so probably not all that critical, on second thought), a fake referee showed up on the field and started causing mayhem. It's possible that at least somebody believed that he was truly a referee ... up until this point, we mean:
"This doubles as my 'Sexy Foot Locker Employee' costume this Halloween."
The man took off his clothes until he was caught by security. He managed to fool a few people, though, because prior to the call getting correctly ironed out, his presence had egged players who could probably snap him over their knees into fighting each other. The benches cleared like someone had offered free brownies at midfield.
They were arguing over whether the guy's butt was bootylicious or asstastic.
Two players were ejected for fighting, but if this was a UCLA fan trying to prevent any more carnage, it kind of worked. Arizona would only score six more points, but still won 48-12. Meanwhile, the two teams' officials decided to suspend 10 players ... or we think they were the officials. You never know. One of them might be our mystery ref, who's still biding his time, waiting for the perfect moment to "reveal himself" once again.
European Soccer Fans Keep Shooting Fireworks At Goalies
For some reason, fireworks are considered one of the ultimate ways to express your patriotism. And yet Americans only seem to remember their existence for one or two days a year. In some European countries, on the other hand, fireworks are apparently an everyday thing -- which is unfortunate for soccer goalies, who often find themselves on the receiving end.
The rarest of sports photos: a soccer player on the ground with real injuries.
Let's start with Russia. During a match between Zenit St. Petersburg and Dynamo Moscow in 2009, a fan of Zenit was seemingly inspired by the "thing go boom!" implications of the word "dynamo" and threw a firework at the opposing team's goalie, Antonin Shunin. The firework exploded at Shunin's feet, which blew him backwards, knocked him unconscious, and gave him severe burns. We can neither confirm nor deny that covert KGB operatives were waving tiny blue Zenit flags on the other side of the stadium.
Don't let us give you the impression that only Russian fans do this, though. This year, a different Russian goalkeeper was similarly fireworked during a match in Montenegro, causing consternation among his teammates ... when they noticed, a while later.
"Oh, we thought it was just a meteor."
Meanwhile, in Romania, another goalie got hit by a firecracker in the same match during which a fan ran onto the pitch and punched a player in the head. The match had to be abandoned before it turned into a full-on Dragon Ball Z episode and a big chunk of the Earth was destroyed.
Isaac is a lifelong Cleveland Browns fan. Send your condolences on Twitter.
For more unforgivable behavior, be sure to check out Why Shia LaBeouf Is Hollywood's New King Of Jerks and 7 Obnoxious Behaviors That Should Be Punishable By Death.
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