This week science wowed all of us with its sciencing, and historical ladies dazzled us with their badassery. But at Cracked, what caught us the most was the untimely loss of "Route 29 Batman" Lenny Robinson. Cheers to an exceptional guy!
Doorways, the inviting, harmless-looking portals into can't-remember-jack-sh!t memory madness.
"Gabriel Radvansky and his cohorts at the University of Notre Dame performed a series of experiments to determine exactly what causes this weird brain cramp. Turns out it's not memory elves, or even plain old stupidity. It's doorways."
Hey, scientists! How about you stop giddily inventing Terminators?
Biff has to screw this story up somehow.
"The original Michael Fox played several roles in that same show, and an episode that aired in 1955 featured a suburban couple finding out that their neighbors are time travelers from the future."
Nobody erupted from the womb implanted with the knowledge of the mystical origin story of Dr. Stephen Strange -- somebody introduced you to that character, and the community grew by extension.
"Girls get it the worst -- a girl can't wear an Aquaman T-shirt to any kind of nerdy gathering without getting accused of not being a true fan (whatever the hell that means) and being grilled with Aquaman trivia questions that no human being should be able to answer."
A lot of historical ladies were tough. Isabella, a.k.a. the "She-Wolf of France," was so tough she shoved a red hot poker up a royal rival's rectum.
"Hugh, her husband's lover, was dragged by a horse, hanged until mostly dead, disemboweled and then decapitated. His body parts were cut up and sent to towns all over England and his head was displayed on the London Bridge."
David and Goliath is maybe THE underdog story of all time, but with some scientific sleuthing it becomes pretty apparent the roles are backwards.
"Clues in the verses where Goliath is introduced suggest that he suffered from acromegaly -- the same pituitary disorder that's plagued extraordinarily large individuals throughout history."
Nell Gwynn got her start the same way most of us did: giving handjobs to aristocrats in the back of a theater. And she used her whoredom to establish what became our modern VA Hospitals.
"Nell was clever, though, and by a combination of wit, charm and poisoning her rivals with laxatives, she managed to become the king's most beloved concubine."
One of Cracked's all-time favorite, real-life superheroes just passed away in a highway accident. We hope Lenny Robinson's dedication to making every day brighter and more badass will be an inspiration to others.
Many depressed people feel the classic week-long sadness you'd expect. But depression can also crotch-punch you with weird anger triggers, sleep trouble, memory loss, and other non-goth symptoms.
"A common editorial message is 'Depression is fake, so if you have it, it's your own fault.' Because that's just what the mentally ill need to hear -- that the problem lowering their quality of life is imaginary and self-inflicted. That will make them feel better!"
That trophy hunting ban that Zimbabwe issued after Cecil The Lion was shot? They lifted it nine days later while you got distracted by a hitchhiking robot.
"Everyone is more than happy to flood the Yelp page of the one dentist who shot Cecil The Lion ... while ignoring the other approximately 600 lions per year that are shot by trophy hunters."
Instagram influencers are often absurd.
Well, this is terrifying.