5 Whores Who Changed The Course of History
For most of us, performing sexual favors in some dark alley for grocery money is about as low as life can get. But history is full of stories of prostitutes who parlayed their skills into positions of prestige and power.
And some of them changed the world.
#5.
Rahab the Harlot
Where:
Jericho.
When:
1400s B.C.
How She Got Her Start?
Rahab probably came from a middle-class family in Jericho. She was an intelligent, independent-minded woman, and in those days there was only one profession for a girl like her to go into. A married woman was a slave to her husband, but a prostitute lived her own life and made her own decisions. As a scarlet woman, Rahab had freedom.
The cost of freedom, circa 1400 BC.
By all accounts, she was good at it, too. By the time she comes up in the Bible, she had her own house and made a comfortable income. Comfortable enough that she began to long for a career that didn't involve, at best, being fisted by middle-aged men who bathed once a year.
What Made Her Great?
Back in 1422 B.C., the Israelites were living on a barren tract of land appropriately named, Shittim. Joshua, king of the Jews, didn't really like living in a place that reminded him of his own bowel movements, so he set his sights on the city of Jericho.
Better than Shittim.
Joshua sent out two spies to scout out the defenses. The young Jews did their job and then sought "refuge" at Rahab's place. The Bible doesn't state why they chose to stay there, but it's pretty obvious Joshua's spies were "scouting out the defenses" for a "full frontal assault."
Their sweaty reconnaissance was cut short, however, when the king of Jericho sent his men out to look for the two Jewish spies skulking around his city. Rahab hid the young men, and convinced the king's soldiers that the spies were hiding elsewhere. Because of Rahab's kindness, Joshua's spies survived and were able to bring back crucial information that lead to the conquest of Jericho by the armies of Israel.
That's right; believe what you want about the Bible, but it's right there in the Old Testament that the course of world history was turned by a hooker with a heart of gold.
#4.
Aspasia
Where:
Athens.
When:
470 B.C.-400 B.C.
How She Got Her Start?
Like a lot of whores, Aspasia was born into a bad situation. She was a foreigner in Athens, which meant she had close to nothing in the way of civil rights and would almost certainly never marry.
The only area of Athenian society that was more open for women than men was in Athens' legendary brothels. Prostitution was neither illegal, or frowned upon in Athenian society. Both men and women could be whores, although men had to quit when they became adults. Yes, in Athens they'd only bust you if your clients weren't pedophiles.
Aspasia took advantage of this and became a hetaera, or really high class hooker. Hetaerae were generally well-educated and, under law, they were independent from any men, and were even allowed to pay taxes and own property. In short order, the beautiful Aspasia was at the top of the hooker hierarchy and renowned through all of Athens.
What Made Her Great?
Aspasia knew she was hot, and she knew how to use that beauty to get what she wanted. Soon, she began to court Pericles, the First Man in Athens (that is, a famous statesman and orator--kind of a mix between Obama and Oprah).
She and her husband became the center of a great group of philosophers and thinkers from all across the city. She not only knew Socrates, but many credit her with being one of his teachers. Some scholars even suggest she had a hand in the origins of the Socratic method though, for some reason, they left that one out of our philosophy textbooks.
#3.
Nell Gwynn
Where:
London, England.
When:
1650-1687.
How She Got Her Start:
The same way most of us did: giving handjobs to aristocrats in the back of a theater. Nell Gwynn was the daughter of an alcoholic brothel owner in dire financial straits. She started working at an early age, selling snacks during plays and delivering messages to randy young noblemen. Most historians seem to agree that the girls often ended up delivering more than refreshments.
One lucky day, when Nell was a young adult, she met King Charles II during a play. The king was impressed with the young harlot's wit and moxie, and invited her back to the castle. One thing lead to another, and pretty soon Nell Gwynn was a regular attendee of the king's court (by "court," we mean his penis).
Unfortunately for Nell, King Charles was a bit of a player. At the time the two met, the king had a wife, a mistress and a string of former and aspiring mistresses all vying for his attention. Nell was clever, though, and by a combination of wit, charm and poisoning her rivals with laxatives, she managed to become the king's most beloved concubine.
What Made Her Great?
Nell Gwynn never denied her past, nor did she seem the least bit guilty over it. At one point, a fight broke out when one of her detractors screamed that she was a whore. Nell broke the fight up in short order by saying, "I am a whore. Find something else to fight about."
This wasn't the first time Nell had admitted her ho'ness in front of a massive crowd of strangers. Another time, a large crowd mistook her for a rival mistress, the Duchess of Portsmouth, and began to shout at her carriage, calling her a Catholic whore along with a laundry list of funny-sounding British insults that no one born in a sane country could understand.
You gobshite tallywacker!
Nell stuck her head out of the carriage and corrected the mistaken commoners, "Good people, you are mistaken. I am the Protestant whore."
This mixture of wit and bigotry won the crowd over, and lead to her becoming the only one of King Charles's many mistresses to become popular with the mob. Nell was a shrewd woman, and she used her favor with the king and the people of England to secure her son a dukedom, and convince Charles to approve the construction of a Royal Hospital for ex-servicemen in the city of London, one of the precursors to our modern VA Hospitals.
Thanks, terrifying ceramic version of Nell with an amazing rack!
So, yeah, keep that in mind the next time you're congratulating yourself for never having touched a man's wiener for money.
The whole time i was saying "Come on, where's Theodora?"
ReplyGlad to see her at number one.
Georgina Beyer makes me think Vagina Buyer. Pretty creative to me.
ReplyRahab is also possibly an Ancestor of Yeshua according to Matthew 2. But there is some debate if it's actually the same Rahab, as Hebrews gives a different Greek rendering.
ReplyTheodora's also responsible for saving Justinian's rule. When massive riots wracked Constantinople Justinian was ready to flee, but Theodora refused to go, at which point Justinian borrowed her balls and stayed as well, putting down the riots and saving his crown.
ReplyI don't she had balls. It would have reduced her to just two orifices, and that's unacceptable.
i love my english teacher shes letting me use this as a source for my term paper
ReplyWHere's Cleopatra in all this... That chick went way hard. all the way to the top... or on top... or.... w/e... you get what im saying
ReplyI think the article was about professional whores. I'm pretty sure Cleopatra only had amateur standing.
What about Messalina, though? She ran a brothel, and you could argue she's the reason Nero became emperor.
Oh Cracked, you should know not to trust Procopius!
ReplyActually, Joshua was a leader not a king.
ReplyWow, wow, wow- Yang gui fe? The whore that started a huge civil in China and ended a dynasty?
ReplyThanks, gxtmfa. Now I am going to spend the next few hours obsessively researching Yang gui fe online. lol
University of Arizona? Yes, I'm calling to ask about your prostitution majors. There wasn't any information on them in the-Hello?
ReplyBear down, skank!
I now have a new hero.
ReplyThis settles it, I am becoming a prostitute. You laugh now, but soon I'll be ruling you all.
ReplyWould a slave girl count as a whore?
ReplyThe Turkish slave girl Shajarat al-Durr who became Sultana of Egypt and launched the Mamluk dynasty that halted the Mongol invasion of the West in the 13th century.
In all my years in greek school noone ever mentioned those two being ho's, slight hints on aspasia maybe. Such a shame...It would have made classes alot more intresting.
ReplyJust who is this noone everyone keeps mentioning?
The last line made it: "Hmmmm... kind of makes Pretty Woman look like a big pile of vapid bullshit by comparison."
ReplyAwesome!
The movie was that anyway.
This was an extremely excellent article, right to the end. I was especially surprised about Theodora, since I've learned about her and Justin before, but never about her roots.
Reply"Transgendered" is an incorrect term. It would be really great if you could change that to "transgender." Also, "he/she" is fairly offensive. Ms. Beyer is a woman and prefers the pronouns "she" and "her."
Reply Hide All See All 14 Repliesf**k off
Freak of nature is the correct term. He was born a man and will forever remain a man.
The above two comments are assholes, but these are kind of nitpicky complaints. Seriously, how important difference does the "ed" make? If someone wants to insult a transgender person, their first thought is not going to do it by sticking a past participle on the end.
True, but that doesn't mean we should settle for mediocrity.
The issue with "transgendered" - as opposed to "transgender" - is that it ever so slightly implies that something happened to make them that way, as opposed to them having been born that way.
Kinda like how "colored" is not okay, but "person of color" is.
That having been said, I'm more annoyed by the author mixing up transvestism and transgenderism. Getting it right is not hard.
I think when they referred to her as he/she they were referring to when she was still physically a man dressed as a woman.
This is a humor website, calm down
Rowena, this is a humor website. Calm down
"Transgendered" is the correct term, just like "read-headed" or "left-handed".
I think they used the correct pronouns when referring to Ms. Beyer as Georgina--though I myself struggle with how to refer to transfolk in the past tense, that is, when talking about them as children/young people presenting as their birth sex. Its a horrible collision of grammar and etiquette that I don't think there's a consensus on quite yet
How do you go about using pronouns to refer to a transperson when talking about when they were kids/young people presenting as their birth sex? Its a terrible mash of etiquette and grammar that I don't think there is a consensus on quite yet.
So of all the injustice in the world you decide to crusade against the incorrect use of past participles and pronouns?
Mrthubbron, the correct term for you would be, "assbarn"
Mrthubbron, they are not freaks of nature. They just feel like they were born as the wrong gender. Don't be so rude, you fucking thundercunt. Yes she will be a man biologically, but physically, she is a woman.
Mrthubbron, you are free to your opinion, but I think Rowena1001 is pretty on the nose here. People should be referred to as they choose.
This is so relevant, even today. Many women still feel this way in modern times:
Reply"She was an intelligent, independent-minded woman, and in those days there was only one profession for a girl like her to go into. A married woman was a slave to her husband, but a prostitute lived her own life and made her own decisions."
of course by prostitute we'll substitute "Independent woman and free thinker" or some shit... not an actual prostitute, but you know - one of them no commitment girls. Some people call em hoes, others "wild thang" haha i call em my type.
Uhhhh if you substitute prostitute out, the observation becomes way less funny.
Not to mention it's really offensive to say that married women nowdays cannot be free thinkers and are necessarily slaves to their husbands...
Gobshite is one of my favourite insults!
Reply Hide All See All 3 Replieshaha wrong article!
No it wasn't lmfao
I do love calling people gobshites.. finally a stereotype that proves correct. No idea about the second word though, had to actually read it out loud just to see if it fits my Midlands accent.
Procopius /loathed/ Justinian and his court. While it as a fact that Theodora was an 'actress' in her youth, I don't think she was quite the nymphomaniac Procopius makes her out to be.
Reply