The 6 Raunchiest, Most Depraved Sex Acts (From the Bible)
|
What happens when you take a really skanky sex story and dress it up in a lot of flowery words? You get the Bible. Or large chunks of it, anyway. Sure, rather than using phrases such as "reverse frog squat," or "slinging manjam," Biblical sex is referenced almost exclusively as "coming in unto" (a phrase still used by porn stars who tend to drop the "in unto"). But once you get past the unimaginative verbs, the Bible has some nasty, nasty stories. Such as: #6.
Lot Has Drunk, Drunk Sex in a Cave. With His Daughters.
Sunday school lessons tend to focus on God turning Lot's wife into a pillar of salt like she's starring in one of Sarah Connor's nightmares from T2. It's the sort of imagery that might distract you from something like flagrant incest. But sure enough, at Genesis 19:30-36:
Something tells us Lot's daughters would lose any drinking game centered around "Never Have I Ever." If you've done it in a cave--and you've done it with your dad--you've probably also done it tangled in Fruit By The Foot or by accident with a vegetable.
They were so eager to secure some seamen that they nearly polluted the genetic pool for all who came after them. Or maybe they just thought that a world populated by exponentially degenerative DNA sounded funny. To their credit, maybe that's why we have viral videos today. To Make it Even Weirder...
Speaking of people who might want to steer clear of drinking games, the Bible seems to blame the whole thing on booze, a strategy you'll recognize from work the morning after karaoke night. The alcohol in this case is wine, which raises the question: how much wine do you have to drink before you became oblivious to the fact that you were having sex with your daughter ... a second time? #5.
Jacob, Two Sisters, And What the Hell, a Handmaid
In Genesis 29: 21-28, Jacob had taken a job where he was to be paid entirely in woman. His boss, Laban, promised his daughter Rachel in exchange for seven years of work. After the seven years, Laban pulled a fast one and swapped in his ugly daughter, Leah, instead:
Unless Leah and Rachel were sisters of the identical "Mary-Kate and Ashley" variety, there is very little reason why Jacob wouldn't realize fairly early in the process that he had the wrong sister. Who knows, maybe they were serving some of Lot's date-rape wine at the party.
The Torah offers further exposition in Megillah 13b: Jacob and Rachel had actually expected Laban to perform the wife-swap and devised a secret signal to reveal that it was really her under the veil (apparently lifting the veil was too obvious a solution). However, in a last-minute display of womanly wile (what Toran scholars agree is "bitchiness" in modern English), Rachel taught Leah the signal, and she used it to double-double cross Jacob, fucking him in every possible meaning of the word. After waking up to the presumably hideous Leah, Jacob offered to work another seven years just to get Rachel. This teaches Christians today that the Rachel of Genesis was hotter than the Rachel of Friends. Leah, however, was named after "hidden beauty," or "butterface."
To Make it Even Weirder... If you read the passage again you'll notice that right in the middle of it is mention of a third woman: Zilpah, Leah's "hand maid." She's right between the verse commencing the night of boning and the verse concluding it. What was she doing there? Watching? Is it our fault that we're picturing that whole scene as just a writhing Chex mix of sex organs?
#4.
God Gives You Tips on How to Hold Your Load
If you've ever heard masturbation referred to as "onanism", well, you've got one guy to thank. Onan was apparently one of the pioneers in the art of ejaculating somewhere other than into a sex partner, as we see in Judah 38:8-10:
Now there's something a woman never forgets. You're getting busy with your husband's brother, he splooges on the ground, and promptly gets slain by the LORD. Talk about awkward. This particular verse was taken slightly out-of-context when it gave birth to "onanism," which refers to both coitus interruptus and masturbation. It's probably just as well that he died, and didn't have to walk around the rest of his life listening to people refer to jerking off as "Doing an Onan." To Make it Even Weirder... This story became the basis for Christian arguments against masturbation. The story does not address the counter-argument: what if God has no righteous purpose for your semen that particular day, and you're just bored?
But more importantly, what about women? They don't have seeds to spill at their whimsy. Yet female masturbation never come up in the thousand or so pages in which he rambles about everything from having almonds in your diet to how he owns an awesome robe. Surely a fair God who loves all his children equally wouldn't allow women to masturbate and not men! Or we could just point out that if God killed everyone who masturbated, Japan would have ceased to exist sometime in 2005. |
Reddit
Facebook
StumbleUpon
Digg
Del.icio.us
FarkRecommended for Your Pleasure
-
The Masturbation Double Standard
by: Dominic Gudgeon718,139 views -
The 5 Most Horrific Ways People Have Tried to Discourage Sex
by: Samuel Bryant689,546 views -
6 Ridiculous Sex Myths (That Are Actually True)
by: Jay Thomas2,718,853 views -
5 Bizarre Sexual Conditions That Can Ruin Your Life
by: Susan H.1,624,535 views
The Giant thing was about the Nephilim, who were fallen angels or something who had sex with human women, who before the Flood were rambunctous whores, so that's where the giant babies came from.
I'm going to refer to this next time some dumb butt tries to claim that gays are evil because the Bible says so. Thanks for the well-researched and hilarious article.
Ezekiel chapter 23. Just look it up. Do it.
RE: Nate212 and anyone else who has mentioned Revelation's "Harlot," this is actually symbolism anthropomorphizing false religion as a whole. The kings of the earth that she has relations with are just that, the governments of earth. I'll probably get slammed for this, but look at Catholicism and the Germanic Empire, or really any religion that has either sponsored the ruler of a nation, taken the rulership itself, or even prayed for the soldiers in a war - same god being prayed to on both sides kinda cancels it out, don't you think? Especially since, according to Jesus sermons, we should all be practicing neutrality.
She also has relations with the merchants, amassing great wealth for herself. Commercialized religion.
She's also known as the World Empire of False Religion, and will be slaughtered by the Wild Beast, which also depicts world government. I can explain why, but it would take too much room. Just know that there has been a Bill in front of the UN for some time now that would basically create a civil action against religion. Stationary at the moment, but in order for Armageddon to come, the events described around that portion of Revelation need to take place. The things after that are what comes after the Great Tribulation, namely, progression toward a perfect earth and perfect human life on it.
Here's a challenge: see if you can envision any possible metaphor for 5:4, "My beloved put his hand by the hole of the door, and my bowels were moved for him".
I could be wrong, but I've read that, at the time, the bowels were considered the organ from which emotions come forth. Even though we know today emotions come from the brain, we still use the phrase "heart" to represent our emotions, so, if you replace the word "bowels" with "heart" (and "was" for "were") it makes more since. As for the other part, well....
:)
Being a non-Christian, stories like these always made me have to lock my jaws whenever I was dragged to church.
Great selection of stories. I actually went and got one of the Bibles that are still somehow in my house and looked through Song of Solomon. The wording was slightly different, but the meaning was the same. Thanks for the laugh.
I'm surprised you didn't mention what happened with Lot and his daughters before the cave incident. When the men came to Lot's house (in Sodom, I think) to rape the angel (or angels, depending on the translation), Lot offered them his daughters in an effort to protect his guest(s).
So, I call what went down in the cave a little bit of karma.
yeah it shocks me to find people shocked with this stuff.
You guys should one about blood and gore in the Bible- even more of that in it and some awesome ass kicking stories!
READ YOUR BIBLE!
The story of onan isn't against Coitus interuptus or Masturbation (not saying the bible is pro-masturbation) but the reason God smited Onan is because He said He must fulfill the jewish ritual of giving his brothers widow a child, but instead He slooged on the ground because all he wanted was the sex not the responsibility.
I knew I wasnt weird for jerking off to the bible
You know female masturbation probably wasn't mentioned in the bible because its writers didn't know it existed....
As for the song of Solomon...wtf?
The spawn of the "sons of God" were angels that came to Earth and "raped" our women spawning these giants that were described as monsters. God condemns these angels and as such they become demons. Bible stories rock!
Im really a cougar ,i love yongers men .This side give me more creative adias to make sex be more creative and have fun with it.Im 48 and my partners are 32,and 34 years old .I love it!
That is just messed up.
Oh, CRAP... talk about needing to take my own medicine... I was scanning the page and I didn't see the part where you said, "This particular verse was taken slightly out-of-context when it gave birth to "onanism," which refers to both coitus interruptus and masturbation."
From now on, I expect I'll be reading a little more carefully.
Apologies.
I'd like to comment that the Bible is often misinterpreted. Whoever said that Onan got killed for masturbation obviously never read the passage very thoroughly.
According to the Mosaic law at the time, when his brother died, Onan was supposed to bang his late brother's wife, and give her children.
However, it appears that Onan pulled out at the last second, thus "spilling his seed" on the ground, to prevent having children with his brother's wife. Why? 'Cause he wouldn't want to share his first wife's children's inheritance, most likely. There could have been other reasons.
God killed Onan for selfishness, most likely. I simply refuse to believe that God would have created something as life-saving as masturbation, or as awesome as mutual masturbation, only to kill us for doing it.
Wow. Thats just disturbing.
Do you know ___PlusKiss.c o m___? A really funny place to mingle with hot sexy singles! free to browse photos&profiles, write blogs, chat online and view videos...
Chaos breaks out at America's NexT Top Model auditions as man steals purses!! Hilarious... the sound of wannabes squealing en masse!
http://www.gay2share.com/view_video.php?viewkey=b6a76a1f8861c494a2d6
Near the end of King David's life they also tried to revive him with hookers, which did not work IIRC.
More on Sex
-
7 Sex Tips from Cosmo That Will Put You in the Hospital
1,478,529 views -
The 5 Creepiest Sex Scenes in Comics
992,219 views -
5 Incredibly Impractical Sexual Fetishes
885,694 views -
6 Horrifying Ways to Improve Your Sex Life
833,166 views
-
Curse of the Duck Hunt Dog
by: Tremendosaur59,916 views -
6 Types Of Youtube Videos There Are Waaay Too Many Of
by: Michael Swaim234,558 views
-
Articles
-
Videos
-
Columnists
-
More Cracked
-
About
Copyright © 2005 - 2009 Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved. CRACKED, CRACKED.COM and the "CRACKED" logo are trademarks owned by Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved.
My favorite chapter of the Bible is Leviticus 18. It's a list of who and what you cannot f**k, with explanations for the thick-headed or those looking for loopholes.