8 Acts Of Rock Star Debauchery That Would Destroy You

When you're one of the biggest, wildest bands in music, you need transport to match. It doesn't matter how many meat catapults or flaming codpieces you own; your fans will turn against you if they see you roll up to a gig driving a bombed-out Astro van. Or at least that's the thought process that led to the birth of the Starship: a drug-fueled flying sex den that flew the biggest names in rock music around the world. Among the clients who paid a ball-smashing figure of $2,500 per hour for the plane were Led Zeppelin, Alice Cooper, The Rolling Stones, and, um, The Bee Gees.

Michael Brennan "HOLY FUCK, CAN YOU GUYS SEE THE FIREPLACE TOO?"

Having lived a previous (and tasteful) life as a commercial passenger plane, the Starship was outfitted like Ron Burgundy's treehouse. In among the shag pile carpeting and acres of leopard print, its precious cargo could enjoy a drink at the 30-foot-long bar, discuss matters of the day in the drawing room (complete with fake fireplace), watch movies using the built-in cinema system, and play the massive organ. The interior was so relentlessly tacky that Mick Jagger literally gasped when he first saw it, and Mick Jagger generally gasps only when he sees himself in a mirror.

Ken Regan He's like if Benjamin Button was born old but stayed that way forever.

And, just in case you were wondering whether the infamously debauched guests of the Starship felt the need to rein in their behavior while soaring through the lawless sky, the answer is no, of course they didn't. Only a few details have emerged regarding the depravity that went on aboard, presumably because history isn't yet prepared to hear the full details. For starters, the Allman Brothers climbed aboard to find "Welcome Allman Brothers" written on Starship's bar in cocaine. One unnamed record executive wandered around the plane, waving a handgun for no apparent reason. There was a system in place to smuggle drugs aboard the plane wrapped in dirty clothes, in order to fool police sniffer dogs. And Robert Plant considers getting a blowjob during a powerful bout of turbulence as one of his favorite Starship memories. Without question, that airplane is haunted by the ghosts of thousands of unborn children.

Hulton Archive/Hulton Archive/Getty Images And now you know what "Four Sticks" was really about.

Judging by the above, the most dangerous profession in the 1980s -- aside from pulling double shifts at Chernobyl -- was being a rock star. After all, there's Guns N' Roses, Van Halen, Aerosmith, and, last but not least, Motley Crue: the band responsible for literally every stereotype about hair metal that you know.

Elektra Records And their hair was responsible for at least 90 percent of the hole in the ozone.

In 1987, while touring with Guns N' Roses, Motley Crue bassist Nikki Sixx teamed up with Slash to unwind by shooting some heroin, presumably because Game Gear hadn't been invented yet. Unfortunately, because opiate fans aren't renowned for their measuring skills, Nikki ended up overdosing and dying in Slash's shower. All things considered, this is the closest thing to a hero's death that Nikki Sixx could hope for.

MTV Books Plus, "The Slipped-On-Soap-And-Cracked-His-Skull Diaries" sounds like a real shitty story.

Except, as the world would come to learn, Nikki Sixx cannot be destroyed by heroin. He was revived after two minutes of clinical death by two shots of adrenaline stabbed directly into his fucking heart. Ordinarily, this would be followed by a long period of bed rest and some self-reflection. For Nikki Sixx, this meant escaping his ambulance, hitchhiking back home, and shooting up more heroin. The incident resulted in Motley Crue's Grammy-nominated song "Kickstart My Heart" so ... win-win, we guess?

And while we're on the subject of Slash ...

Perhaps because his snakes could see the future, one of them attempted to eat Axl Rose. As Slash recounted, while he and Axl were living together, Axl awoke one night to find a reticulated python staring at his head and, presumably, deciding whether or not it wanted to remove Axl's headband before swallowing his head. After an hour of watching Axl's pile of fear-poop grow to ceiling height, Slash locked the snake away.

Geffen Records "My serpentine's bigger than yours."

Sadly, several years ago, Slash got rid of his 80-strong collection of snakes, owing to the (understandable) worry that they might be dangerous for his newborn son to be around.

Step 1: Play this. Step 2: Passionately scream the names of your favorite snakes. It's fun!

That means, at any given moment, the singer of "You're In My Heart," "Maggie May," and "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy?" was dancing around with a Sudafed capsule full of cocaine rapidly dissolving in his ass.

If you want my body
And you're not out to kill me
Like the Martians and lizard people and government agents who are ALL FOLLOWING ME EVERYWHERE MAN
Then c'mon sugar let me know.

In 1977, Pink Floyd were under tremendous pressure to ensure that Animals -- their long-awaited 10th album -- was a commercial success. The answer was simple: They commissioned a gigantic helium-filled pig and strapped it to London's Battersea Power Station, because nothing drums up publicity for a progressive rock record like a giant inflatable pig.

Jeffrey Shaw There is no dark side of the moon, and if there was, it probably wouldn't have bacon on it.

However, in a turn of events that would provide yet another footnote to the adage "props are a musician's worst enemy," the 40-foot-long pig -- nicknamed "Algie" -- broke free from its moorings and escaped to sow (pun intended) a rampage of confusion and mild public endangerment. After it floated above London's Heathrow Airport, authorities were forced to ground every single flight to avoid any sudden collisions with an enormous pig-shaped balloon. At this point, the Royal Air Force had to be deployed to try to bring down the errant porcine.

Jeffrey Shaw It was the Michael Bay version of Charlotte's Web nobody asked for.

The balloon eventually crashed in a field in Kent, where it scared the shit out of some cows. Oddly enough, Pink Floyd had anticipated that Algie might break free of his moorings and had actually hired a sharpshooter to watch over the giant pig and take it out in case it escaped. Fortunately for history, the sharpshooter didn't show up, leading to the incident that we're amazed nobody called "The Great Pig In The Sky."

You see, the treatment for Wylde's condition involves a course of strong blood thinners, which slow down the rate at which blood clots develop. You know what else thins the blood? Alcohol. Zakk Wylde's years of being heroically wasted saved his life, although nowadays he's banned from booze and restricted to taking standard medicine, which we feel is a little unfair to the booze.

Roth infamously claims that he had his penis (nicknamed "Little Elvis") insured and would hold a nightly contest wherein he would reward his roadies with a cash prize if they were able to convince girls he had spotted in the crowd during the show to come backstage for a personal discussion with Little Elvis. It is unclear whether his insurance policy required each girl to sign a waiver beforehand.

Hit Parader Magazine "Anything smaller than this and no butt stuff. Sorry, it's in the contract."

Roth's eventual replacement, Sammy Hagar, was a little more "Roman Emperor" in his groupie interactions. One tour saw the band build a tent directly beneath the stage specifically for Sammy Hagar's erection. During the mid-show 20-minute guitar solos Eddie Van Halen would launch into each night, Hagar would disappear to the tent and discover a group of naked fans waiting to swallow his penis, which we assume was as pinched as his face.

Frazer Harrison/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images Even Cyclops needs glasses less than he does.

But owning your own sex tent apparently has powerful side effects. Hagar exerted himself so much during his nightly trips that he temporarily lost the ability to climax. That's right -- Sammy Hagar had so much sex that he ran out of sperm. And with that mental picture, we end the article.

It Books "Sorry, ladies -- I can barely drive 25 tonight."

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Also check out The 7 Most WTF Post-Fame Careers Of Famous Musicians and 5 Rock Stars You Won't Believe Are Secretly Musical Geniuses.