5 Fan Theories That Make Way Too Much (Horrifying) Sense

Nonsense to sense does not work like lemons to lemonade.
5 Fan Theories That Make Way Too Much (Horrifying) Sense

Fan theories are like hot dogs: We know they lack any real substance, but we can't stop consuming them because they're fun to eat. Luckily for us, the Internet is a perpetual motion machine that endlessly churns out insane reinterpretations of our favorite movies and TV shows, some of which are way more convincing than they have any right to be.

But while these are supposed to be lighthearted reinterpretations of stories we all know and love, sometimes the theory makes it impossible to ever go back and look at the original the same way -- the fact that they're so logical just makes it worse. As a result, we're now mostly convinced that

Jurassic Park Was A Sham That Never Had Any Real Dinosaurs

Universal Studios

With the exception of Jeff Goldblum's bare, oiled-up chaos chest, the big stars of Jurassic Park are obviously the dinosaurs. However, according to one oddly convincing fan theory, there has never been a single actual dinosaur in any Jurassic Park movie. The "dinosaurs" John Hammond, Samuel L. Jackson, and the bad guy from The Substitute 2 created weren't resurrected from ancient dino DNA -- they were actually brand new creatures cobbled together using DNA from non-extinct contemporary animals.

Nicholas Cope/Digital Vision/Getty Images, Michael Blann/Digital Vision/Getty Images, 3dalia/iStock/Getty Images

Basically this.

The whole "dinosaurs back from extinction!" thing was just a P.T. Barnum-esque stunt to fool gullible tourists.

Why It's Not That Crazy:

The originator of this theory appears to be Redditor Brownra04, as far as we can track it down, and it goes like this: The entire premise of Jurassic Park centers around the idea that geneticists were able to extract dinosaur DNA from prehistoric mosquitoes trapped in fossilized chunks of tree sap, which is impossible, because DNA has a half-life and would have decayed beyond any possible use after 65 million years. Plus, there's no way you would find a mosquito who limited its blood intake to one particular species of dinosaur. There would be hundreds, if not thousands, of different DNA strands in each mosquito. Every DNA extraction would be like taking a cotton swab of a college freshman's bedsheets.

Universal Studios

State's Mr. DNA is way stickier.

So, the only way for Jurassic Park to get its hands on any dinosaurs would be to have their geneticists build them from scratch, which would explain why all the dinosaurs in the movie look like how we, the ignorant public, imagine dinosaurs look, as opposed to how they actually appeared in nature. For instance, in real life, a velociraptor was the size of a chimpanzee, whereas in Jurassic Park, velociraptors are large enough to play professional basketball. Also, they had feathers. Most dinosaurs probably had feathers.

Wikimedia/Matt Martyniuk

They look like a duck fucked a monkey.

And the dilophosaurus, the tiny, spitting monster with a technicolor neck frill, was 10 feet tall, and the fossil record provides zero evidence of poison loogies or flashy throat accessories.

Universal Studios, Wikimedia/Arthur Weasley

The effects artist just tied some of his daughter's Halloween fairy wings to its face and called it a day.

We also know that the park's founder, John Hammond, built his fortune on selling people false realities: He gives an entire speech about how he started his career with a motorized flea circus designed to trick small children. In The Lost World, we learn that the lab where we saw the baby raptor hatchling in the first film was just a show for the tourists -- the majority of dinosaur hatching took place on an entirely different island, despite Hammond insisting to his guests that he had been present for every single birth. Furthermore, at one point Dr. Sattler notices that Jurassic Park is covered in extinct species of plants.

Alan. this species of veriforman's been extinct...
Universal Studios

"Do you think we could smoke it?"

You can't clone a plant from mosquitoes encased in amber, so how the hell did they get there? The only explanation is that the plants are a complete genetic facsimile. Dr. Grant, Dr. Sattler, and Dr. Malcolm weren't brought to the park to determine whether or not it was safe for visitors -- they were brought to the park to determine whether or not it would be believable to visitors. Hammond figured if he could fool a paleontologist into thinking he was seeing dinosaurs, a paleobotanist into thinking she was seeing extinct plants, and a mathematician into believing that the science all added up, he could probably fool a bunch of Wall Street day traders and their families.

Harry Potter Turned His Aunt And Uncle Into Assholes

Warner Bros.

It always seemed odd that Harry Potter's aunt and uncle, the Dursleys, would be good enough to take him in and raise him, only to keep him locked in a cupboard under the stairs and generally treat him like a moldering hunk of Hitler's shit. Why not just dump him in an orphanage if they were planning on treating him like an old boot for the entirety of his childhood? In a series full of magical beings, one of the most fantastic elements is that these completely normal people managed to be so terrible without the use of any spells

... or did they? A theory by Graphic Nerdity claims that the Dursleys were originally a normal, supportive couple, but continued exposure to Harry's cursed ass turned them into resentful hate beasts.

Warner Bros.

"They're not illusions! They're magic tricks!"

Why It's Not That Crazy:

Harry, as we eventually find out, is technically a horcrux. For those of you who aren't fluent in nerd, horcruxes are cursed objects containing fragments of the evil Voldemort's soul, and they've been known to turn people into assholes. In the second movie, Ginny Weasley is brainwashed by a book that doesn't even have "Dianetics" in the title, because it's a horcrux. It contains a piece of the venomous soul of the lord of hate magic and wizard murder. We also see Ron start acting like a total dick after putting on a locket that's, you guessed it, also a horcrux.

Warner Bros.

Or maybe Rupert Grint was just preparing for the gritty reboot.

Most importantly, we find out later in the series that Harry himself has a part of Voldemort's soul trapped inside of him, like Dick Clark and Ryan Seacrest. So if Ron and Ginny turned evil after being exposed to a horcrux over a matter of weeks and months, just imagine how the Dursleys could be affected after living with one for 10 years. Harry Potter was a magical cancer gnawing hungrily away their souls.

Warner Bros.

Their faces growing slowly more punchable over time was just a natural occurrence though.

This discovery makes the biggest douchebags of the Potter-verse not villains, but victims. Heroes, even. The fact that their adoption of a child who was also a cursed object merely resulted in them turning into emotionally abusive turds instead of a family of secret cannibals is cause for commendation.

Marty McFly Brutally Died In Back To The Future Part II

00 .....
Universal Studios

Back To The Future Part II is the movie that most clearly demonstrates the dangers of time travel. With the simple act of buying a future sports almanac, Marty McFly accidentally creates a timeline where his dad is murdered, his creepy, old best friend is insane, and his mom suddenly looks like she's starring in Backdoor Vegas MILFs XXX. This is made doubly uncomfortable due to the fact that his mom spent the entire previous film trying to have sex with him.

Universal Studios

This later gives Marty the idea to stop a bullet by putting foreign objects on his chest.

Of course, all of this time-traveling horror takes a backseat to the part when Marty dies multiple times. If you're having difficulty remembering that scene, it's because it never explicitly happens, but according to a theory we believe should be credited to Reddit user Hootinger, Marty originally got killed in the scene where he's chased through a tunnel by Biff Tannen's car, only to be saved by Doc Brown through the necromancing magic of time travel.

Why It's Not That Crazy:

There's actually more than enough subtle clues pointing in the direction of "Biff ran Marty down in the street like a stray dog for stealing his magic book" to make us wait in the car the next time a crazy old hermit kidnaps us through history. First of all, this theory actually fixes a plot hole in the movie. During the climactic chase scene, Marty is about to disappear beneath the tires of Biff's muscle car but is saved at the last minute by Doc Brown, who lowers a rope made of construction flags down from the flying DeLorean to carry Marty to safety. Biff, in turn, crashes into a truck full of shit, because shit is funny and Biff is a terrible person.

Universal Studios

"Rehashed jokes! I hate rehashed jokes!"

But how did Doc know exactly where and when to drop the rope? He had no idea Marty was in trouble, and there's no way he could've seen the chase while zooming around in the sky, because Biff was chasing Marty through a tunnel ( more specifically, the tunnel to Toontown). The only logical explanation for Doc knowing exactly where to show up to save Marty is that he's already seen it happen, meaning Marty has already been killed by Biff in an alternate timeline. Doc witnessed our plucky time-skipping hero get crushed like a denim grape beneath the wheels of Biff's rapistmobile, and then used the DeLorean to go back in time and prevent the tragedy from happening.

For all we know, what we see in the film isn't the first time Marty has been killed. Doc might be on his 176th Marty-rescuing attempt, which means Back To The Future Part II could be packed with dead Martys stacked all the way to the ceiling, and we would never know.

Universal Studios

*SPLAT* "OK, a little to the left next time ..."

Doc never tells Marty about all this, because why torture him with that knowledge? No one really wanted to see a Back To The Future Part II to begin with, let alone a Back To The Future Part III where Marty is emotionally crippled by the existential terror of his own mortality.

5 Fan Theories That Make Way Too Much (Horrifying) Sense

Disney's Haunted Mansion Ride Is About You Committing Suicide

Walt Disney

Anyone who's been to a Disney theme park has probably ridden the Haunted Mansion ride, because it's one of like five attractions in the Magic Kingdom that isn't hideously boring. Seriously, spending two hours waiting in line just to fly in a tight circle on Dumbo's back for 48 seconds is enough to make any tourist want to kill themselves.

Well, according to a theory shared by Reddit_Executive, the Haunted Mansion ride is meant to represent the realization of that urge. That is, the Haunted Mansion is secretly about you (the theme park guest) stumbling through an old mansion and eventually committing suicide.

Walt Disney

Everyone who bought a ticket to this movie flirted with the same idea.

Why It's Not That Crazy:

For starters, the ride's narrator flat-out tells you that this trip is going to end in suicide. When the ride begins, he says that people become trapped in the Haunted Mansion, and that there is only one method of escape. Then he reveals that he is actually a skeleton hanging by a noose. So, unless he's telling all the Disney guests about the gloriously powerful ejaculation brought on by autoerotic asphyxiation, he's telling us that killing yourself is the only way you're ever getting out of the mansion.


At which point your rotting corpse becomes the legal property of Disney Parks.

As you move through the house, observing bizarrely static ghosts dancing, singing, and generally doing everything but actually being scary, your dead tour guide says things like: "If you should decide to join us, final arrangements can be made at the end of the tour." Then, as you reach the house's attic, the car you sit in moves backward and drops -- as if you just jumped out of the window.

The very next section of the tour just happens to be a graveyard, where you were presumably buried after leaping out of the attic. You pass the groundskeeper, who looks pretty frightened ... as if he's just seen a ghost climb out of its grave.


They had to remove the pants-shitting mechanism back in 1973
after too many guests complained about the "splash zone."

Joey Is The Real Father Of All The Kids In Full House

Warner Bros. Television

As you binge-watch every season of Full House to get pumped for the Netflix revival, Fuller House, in which all your unanswered questions about the Tanner family will be addressed, you may notice something odd about the sitcom's premise. The show follows the recently widowed Danny Tanner, who in order to raise his three daughters, enlists the help of his brother-in-law Jesse and ... some fucking guy he went to school with.

Warner Bros. Television

They couldn't call it Three Men and a Baby and a 5-Year-Old and a 10-Year-Old for legal reasons.

As you look at that photo, two things may become clear (three, if you count "Jon Stamos is probably a vampire"): First, that Danny Tanner has dark hair, and second, that all of his children are blonde. Who is the only other blond person in that photo? Uncle Joey.

Now, helping out a friend for a few weeks after his wife passed away is a cool thing to do -- but Joey moves into the Tanner house and lives there for eight freaking years. Who the hell does that? According to an elaborate theory by Wolf Gnards, Joey has a deeper reason for staying: He was having an affair with Danny Tanner's dead wife, and those three little girls are actually his children.

Why It's Not That Crazy:

Let's look at the facts: Danny has dark hair. His dead wife, Pam, appears once in the show (not as a zombie, but on an old home movie), where we see that she's a blonde with dark-colored eyes:

Warner Bros. Television

You can have the zombie idea for free, Netflix.

A child with one blond parent and one brunette parent has a 50 percent chance of being blond, but the chances of all three Tanner children having blonde hair is only 12.5 percent.

Enter blond-haired Joey Gladstone.

Warner Bros. Television

"Wow, he looks just like yoooo ... ur best friend Danny. Yup."

Joey's decision to completely rearrange his life in order to help raise his fifth-grade classmate's children makes a lot more sense if those children were secretly his. Joey didn't stop there, either -- Jesse and his wife Rebecca, both of whom are dark-haired, have twin boys that inexplicably come out looking like little Joey Gladstones:

Warner Bros. Television

"Cut it out! The adultery, we mean."

There's some Game of Thrones-level shit going on in Full House, is what we're saying.

J.M. McNab co-hosts the pop-culture nostalgia podcast Rewatchability, which can also be found on iTunes. Follow him on Twitter @Rewatchability.

Be sure to follow us on Facebook and YouTube, where you can catch all our video content, such as Pulp Fiction's Two Parallel Timelines: A Conspiracy Theory and other videos you won't see on the site!

Also be sure to check out 25 Mind-Blowing Fan Theories About Movies And TV Shows and 6 Insane But Convincing Fan Theories About Popular Movies.


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