The 7 Most Unintentionally Hilarious Celebrity Dolls & Toys
From TV shows to tabloids to gossip blogs, we are fascinated with even the most minute details of celebrity lives, so it only makes sense that people would want a miniature version of one in their home. What is beyond us, however, is why the hell anyone would want to own one of the following creepfests, unless it was to violently burn it as an effigy:
Vladimir Putin Shirtless Bear-Ridin' Action Figure
Vladimir Putin seems to have built his entire political legacy around appearing shirtless in the vicinity of large animals. So how do you make an action figure out of a man who portrays himself to the world as a real-life action figure? You turn that shit up a notch -- specifically, you take this famous photo of a shirtless Putin riding a horse and swap in an enraged grizzly bear (for the horse, not Putin). The result is such a perfect blend of humiliating stupidity and sweet radness your brain's opinion center may not even know which direction to go. Now all we can ask is, why hasn't the real Putin ridden a bear yet?
This seems to be available from an "official" website, though the Slavic hieroglyphics render it less than user-friendly for Western buyers, and we're worried that when we ordered ours we may have accidentally signed up for the army.
Supply limited. Only 20 "glorious-breasted leader on bear" dolls per family.
Note: This 20 is mandatory.
If you manage to work out the public relations without committing yourself to Crimean war efforts, the meme-tastic figure will cost you, as of this writing, about $39 -- roughly equivalent to a month's pay for a state-sponsored gulag coordinator or homosexual den hunter.
Down from 4,500 rubles! A perfect harmony of Eastern sex appeal and Western bargains!
WWF Maximum Sweat Action Figures (Including Sweat)
As the WWF exploded in popularity in the '90s, so did the market for wrestling toys. JAKKS Pacific established a veritable monopoly for scantily clad man-toys, and the company produced a never-ending range of figures. Toy wrestlers would scream, throw bionic punches, and -- most strangely of all -- sweat.
You're probably wondering how the toys work. Well, it's a weird combination of stupid and gross. They included little droppers used to fill them with fluid that then seeped out of them. This was meant to be water, but you could fill it with anything you wanted. Milk, lube ... and we can stop listing now because it was lube.
Seriously, maybe it's just us, but the copy used to sell the toys seems virtually indistinguishable from the blurb on a gay porn DVD. "These Bad Boys are pumped up and ready to explode!" and "Watch sweat ooze from their bodies as they heat things up!"
AUSTIN 3:16 SAYS, "FILL ME WITH FLUIDS, YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!"
The appealingly titled "Maximum Sweat" line somehow survived through four installments before it became apparent that kids prefer accessories and articulation over realistic body functions.
Cabbage Patch Steven Tyler
The great Cabbage Patch Doll frenzy of the 1980s came and went faster than you could ask where the beef was, and that left the makers clinging to relevancy by creating one-of-a-kind versions of celebrities. Point being, they recently rolled out a Steven Tyler doll, complete with soul patch and creepily shiny lips.
While they receive bonus points for the tuft of chest hair seductively peeking out from his shirt, we are disappointed that they actually made him appear more lifelike than he's appeared in decades. Seeing as this delivery system for a murderer's soul sold for a staggering two grand, we can only be thankful that all the proceeds went to a children's charity. The doll, unfortunately, is hunting those children.
Mr. Tyler was just one celebrity to be turned to Cabbage Patch form, and when you see all of the "lucky" celebrities together, the chubby beasts look like a Muppets "before" picture:
Al Roker and Katherine Heigl are obviously signaling for the war of dolls vs. humans
to begin. Do your part, humans!
Michael Jackson "Thriller" Doll (With Extra Face And Hands)
Includes one regular Michael Jackson and one that exploded.
When you think of iconic Michael Jackson moments, so many come to mind, many of which you wouldn't want turned into a whimsical action figure playset. So if you were to make a doll in his likeness, it makes sense to reach back to the "Thriller" era. The idea here is to let fans re-create the music video by swapping out regular Michael Jackson with a tattered zombified one. The result, if you're displaying the doll, is that you have Michael either a) standing over what appears to be the gruesome remains of his slain clone or b) about to fake his own death using body parts we can only pray he obtained by bribing someone at the morgue.
The extra hands obviously add some customization options to the doll, but something about four extra pairs in only slightly different positions indicates some level of insanity in the design process. What doll owner needs so many tiny variations of finger curl? Is Michael trying to have a delicate sign-language conversation with his chimp? They're not even dance poses. It's like five different kinds of fondling, which is in awful taste for a Michael Jackson toy.
They say, "Please send help. I was put in room of doll factory and told to make hands,
and no one ever returned. It was months ago."
And just to be extra fucking crazy, they threw in a lone, extra right hand. Why would that be? What does it mean!?
Seven-Inch Iggy Pop Action Figure, Featuring Way Too Much Detail
Iggy Pop has been a rock icon since he first sashayed on the scene with his skin-tight leather pants, devil-may-care attitude, and flowing blond locks. NECA toys tried to capture his stage charisma, and the results were, shall we say, interesting. Another way to describe it is "chimpanzee in jeans suddenly having a layer of its skin yanked off."
It's like something you'd give to Iggy Pop's friends to prepare them for exactly what it will look like when he has a heart attack. The Medusa hair, the piercing eyes, and the painstaking detail to each fold and vein in his face and torso ... it looks like a police sketch described by the survivor of an unfrozen caveman attack. And at the bargain price of $17.99, you almost can't afford not to own it.
Includes microphone, stand, and detachable heart full of napalm.
The "Mountain Research Team" -- Marx, Thoreau, Mao, and Lenin
It's a well-known fact that kids love history. And if there's anything they love more than that, it's highly esoteric geological research. Combining these two passions, Japanese toymakers General Research released a foursome of alpine surveyors modeled after Karl Marx, Henry David Thoreau, Mao Zedong, and Vladimir Lenin. It's a combination of ideas, products, and names so unrelated and crazy that we're worried manufacturing plant robots have learned how to play Mad Libs.
Since the first series was received with such a resounding, "Hold on. What? I don't think I get it," a second series was released shortly thereafter. It featured the crew in much more exciting circumstances: bundling up in sleeping bags after a busy day of mountain research. These are toys that reduce all play to a single nagging thought: Why? More specifically: Why are history's two greatest mass murderers, their inspiration, and some poet guy camping? Why not 35 bags of peas and Steven Seagal building a penguin habitat? Words, ideas ... they've lost all meaning.
Each set comes with crushing existentialism, kids! It's time you learned the universe is a
cold, empty thing and there's no purpose to anything.
Baby Princess Diana And Barack Obama
Diana of Wales was a beloved princess known for her kindness and generous spirit, so what better way to commemorate all her good deeds than by ... creating a replica of her when she was a baby? This 18-inch porcelain figure was crafted by the Ashton-Drake Galleries, famous for making creepy realistic baby dolls for adults to treat like real infants.
Play with us. Forever. And ever.
It's always disturbing when someone decides to commemorate a grown person with a tiny baby doll, which is something we'll say if we ever see anything like this again. It's so pointlessly and uniquely creepy. It's as if the world's greatest scientists set out to prove there is no such thing as ghosts and said, "See? If this godforsaken monstrosity isn't haunted, then nothing ever has been or will be."
Yet, Ashton-Drake Galleries' reign of baby terror did not end with baby Di. They decided to celebrate the 44th president of the U.S., Barack Obama, with this:
Are ... are those baby mom jeans?
Printed on his shirt is the date of his inauguration, as if the baby crawled into a time machine to celebrate his own presidency, which now that we think about it would be an awesome movie. What isn't awesome is everything about this devil thing. Even if it doesn't come prepackaged with a demon, anyone who bought one has definitely dismembered a human body in front of it.
And if you own this, President Obama has definitely looked at your name on an
NSA watchlist while his finger hovered over a drone attack button.
Ian Ury is Pip Ury's twin brother and likes to write for Cracked and stuff. If you wanna comment drop him an email at IanMartinUry@gmail.com or follow him on Facebook or Twitter.
For more bizarre toys, check out The 34 Most Unintentionally Disturbing Children's Products and The 13 Most Unintentionally Disturbing Children's Toys.
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