Secretly stowing away on the journey is Indy's teaching assistant, the young Betsy, who has a huge lady boner for her prof. In a wacky gag, Betsy keeps trying to kill herself when her advances are rebuffed. In her first attempt, she tries hanging herself with Indy's whip, prompting Indy to chastise her for damaging it, because Indy is kind of a dickhole in this draft. Later she accidentally makes out with both a chimpanzee and a dead fish because ha ha, bitches be crazy. Between all that and the stereotypical African natives, we'd be praising Willie Scott and Short Round as complex, nuanced characters.
Teaching teens that suicide is the answer, and that it's OK to waste bourbon? How irresponsible can you get?
But back to Indy's heroic efforts to keep the Nazis from making Fruit Reich Salad. Had this movie been made, "Nuke the fridge" would have been replaced in the pop culture lexicon by "Ride the rhino," which sounds like a masturbation euphemism but refers to a scene where Indiana Jones rides a goddamn rhinoceros.
The number of AUDIENCE MEMBERS enjoying the MOVIE becomes SMALLER ... SMALLER ...
But even though Indy would ride his rhino long and hard, that wouldn't be enough to save him. He's killed by Mephisto, which was presumably meant to surprise audiences but would instead have probably made them think, "Great, that douchebag teacher who sleeps around and mocks suicide attempts got what he deserved." It's cool, though, because the natives take him to the Garden of Immortal Peaches so he can join the long list of movie characters who are stand-ins for Jesus.
It would actually sound less lame if they just took him to Olive Garden.
The skeletal Monkey King brings Indy back to life, and the hot zoologist, hot suicidal TA, and hot native all immediately jump him while he's still trying to figure out what the hell happened. Look, we and our topless poster of Harrison Ford get that Indy is hot, but this is just ridiculous.
It's weird that the script predicted Harrison Ford's ad-lib.