Written by Chris Columbus (who had previously been commissioned by the Queen of Spain to write family friendly comedies for Steven Spielberg), this was to be the third film in the franchise, instead of The Last Crusade. And it would have opened with Indy battling a ghost in a haunted Scottish castle, and that alone sounds sufficiently terrible to sink the franchise:
"The MANICAL LAUGH came from OLD MAN MCINTYRE, who is SECRETLY trying to claim the LAND DEED."
But the Scooby-Doo hijinks were just the prologue. Back at Indy's school, a student half his age slaps the s**t out of him for cheating on her with her mother in her own bed. Oh, and we're also introduced to the actual plot, which would have involved Indy teaming up with a sexy zoologist and a 200-year-old pygmy to save an ancient city full of immortality granting peaches from Lieutenant Mephisto, who, even by the standards of cinematic Nazis, sounds cartoonishly evil.
Secretly stowing away on the journey is Indy's teaching assistant, the young Betsy, who has a huge lady boner for her prof. In a wacky gag, Betsy keeps trying to kill herself when her advances are rebuffed. In her first attempt, she tries hanging herself with Indy's whip, prompting Indy to chastise her for damaging it, because Indy is kind of a d******e in this draft. Later she accidentally makes out with both a chimpanzee and a dead fish because ha ha, bitches be crazy. Between all that and the stereotypical African natives, we'd be praising Willie Scott and Short Round as complex, nuanced characters.
Teaching teens that suicide is the answer, and that it's OK to waste bourbon? How irresponsible can you get?