Unfortunately for the action movie we were already scripting in our heads, the guy peacefully turned himself in that evening. This was arranged after he was reached by phone, which makes us wonder what's going on with Washington's police force if a man they can contact at will is on their Most Wanted list. Whatever the explanation, all of this is going to make for a very impromptu and perplexing lesson on the criminal justice system for a select group of students.

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"That was called 'resisting arrest,' and you should never do it, even though it looks really cool."

Their teachers even recorded the prank so that they could later slow it down and pinpoint the exact moment every student's soul died. Despite a massive outpouring of criticism from students (and parents who thought they were going to unload their hormonal teenagers for a few days), the school offered no response beyond commenting that all the teachers involved felt bad.

Because the teachers felt just awful that a prank that was obviously going to go wrong went wrong, they faced no punishment beyond constant withering stares and whispered hallway threats that "The happiest place on Earth will be wherever I'm torturing you lying dipshits with a rusty soup ladle."

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"They were so sad that we booked the end-of-the-year faculty meeting at Epcot to cheer them up."

It's hard to tell who comes across worse here. We're told that "panicked" parents "quickly rerouted" the hike "to protect the youth" -- because if there's one thing children need protection from, it's seeing some old dude's butt, giggling about it with their friends, then forgetting it 15 minutes later when they come across some possum scat. And while the phrase "dozens and dozens of nude people" was presumably supposed to imply a moral crisis, it instead gives us the image of a nudepocalyse in which varicose monsters advance on innocent children and cry "Someday you'll be us!"

But it's also hard to believe that the leader thought his argument of "my family and I go through here all the time and it's not a big deal" would assuage the concerns of parents whose children were seeing a lot more dangling dongles than one normally does offline at that age. We understand that it would be annoying to expect a hike on which you'd teach your kid about leaves and shit, only to suddenly find yourself improvising a lecture on social views of nudity, and why it's okay for these folks to be naked, even though Uncle Gerald got in trouble for stripping in the park last month.

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"You see, sometimes when your uncle has too much, uh, grape juice, he gets ... uh ... hey, let's watch Adventure Time?"

Unfortunately, the movie -- which was to be used to teach students about segregation -- wasn't being screened in a theater large enough to accommodate everyone. So officials came up with a simple solution: They'd only send the boys to see the movie about overcoming discrimination!

Oh, but don't worry about the girls. They were given the chance to watch Akeelah And The Bee, a movie about a spelling bee. School district leaders assumed that boys would get more enjoyment out of Red Tails, a movie they were watching for its educational merits, because boys love war, while girls love ... spelling? Of course, the girls didn't get to go to the theater to watch their thrilling drama, because it was already six years old. And some teachers, either unaware or simply apathetic to this option, taught class as normal. And who the fuck wants to watch a spelling bee when exploding planes were an option?

Lionsgate Films
"T-H-I-S-I-S-B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T"

With over 5000 boys seeing the movie, the trip cost 57,000 Title-IX-violating dollars. The cost wasn't worth it, according to one teacher, who said that, while the students enjoyed the killing, kissing, and cussing, they came away with few impressions on the whole racial discrimination thing. Shit, with that money, they could have hired another teacher and asked them to bring in a DVD of Buffalo Soldiers.

If there's any consolation for the girls, it's that Red Tails is sitting at 40 percent on Rotten Tomatoes, while Akeelah is at 84 percent. Also, if the school district was looking to teach them a lesson about discrimination, they certainly fucking succeeded in the most roundabout way possible.

Remember that one teacher who tried to talk like a hip teen, despite being 35? You know, the one who always sat a little too close to the popular girls when he was defining leptons or dental dams? In Northern Indiana, a high school chemistry teacher fulfilled that role by inviting students over to his place to drink beer and use his hookah. Hey, there's a lot of fascinating chemistry involved in getting lung cancer.

More worryingly, the teacher took students to a strip club to celebrate a birthday, although they only got in trouble when he was caught speeding on the way home. "Where are you driving all these teenagers at this hour?" the cop presumably asked. "Definitely not from a strip club back to my home, where they will consume alcohol while underage!" he replied, his elaborate house of lies collapsing with one momentary lapse. The teacher is now fired, obviously, which creates a cruel cosmic irony. He now has all the time in the world to take teenagers to strip clubs, but no money to spend on vodka Red Bulls and uncomfortable lap dances.

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"Hey, does this place have one of those 'take a dollar, leave a dollar' dishes?"

Meanwhile in Catoosa (which we're told is a town in Oklahoma, and not the original last name of Willy Wonka), a middle school teacher was fired for cramming 11 students into her car and going on a snack run to Walmart. Seven students got to play sardines in the back seat, and two were put in the trunk. The trunk is a valid option when you're smuggling political refugees across a contentious border, but we think we'd rather be on a trip to a shallow grave in the desert than the desolate wastelands of the Walmart snack aisle if it involved the spare tire rearranging our spine for half an hour.

The teacher wanted to do something nice for her hardworking yearbook club students; a sweet gesture that probably would have moved the school board to overlook the fact that she hadn't obtained permission slips if she hadn't also created a situation that would have made a fender bender look like the aftermath of Death Race. Oh, and the whole "I just love my students!" angle falls through when you learn that she hilariously forgot two of them at the school -- although maybe she realized that strapping them to the roof would have been too conspicuous. The teacher eventually lost her job, although her students will make sure that she's named Most Likely To Fuck Up A Completely Innocent Idea.