Remember that one teacher who tried to talk like a hip teen, despite being 35? You know, the one who always sat a little too close to the popular girls when he was defining leptons or dental dams? In Northern Indiana, a high school chemistry teacher fulfilled that role by inviting students over to his place to drink beer and use his hookah. Hey, there's a lot of fascinating chemistry involved in getting lung cancer.
More worryingly, the teacher took students to a strip club to celebrate a birthday, although they only got in trouble when he was caught speeding on the way home. "Where are you driving all these teenagers at this hour?" the cop presumably asked. "Definitely not from a strip club back to my home, where they will consume alcohol while underage!" he replied, his elaborate house of lies collapsing with one momentary lapse. The teacher is now fired, obviously, which creates a cruel cosmic irony. He now has all the time in the world to take teenagers to strip clubs, but no money to spend on vodka Red Bulls and uncomfortable lap dances.
"Hey, does this place have one of those 'take a dollar, leave a dollar' dishes?"
Meanwhile in Catoosa (which we're told is a town in Oklahoma, and not the original last name of Willy Wonka), a middle school teacher was fired for cramming 11 students into her car and going on a snack run to Walmart. Seven students got to play sardines in the back seat, and two were put in the trunk. The trunk is a valid option when you're smuggling political refugees across a contentious border, but we think we'd rather be on a trip to a shallow grave in the desert than the desolate wastelands of the Walmart snack aisle if it involved the spare tire rearranging our spine for half an hour.
The teacher wanted to do something nice for her hardworking yearbook club students; a sweet gesture that probably would have moved the school board to overlook the fact that she hadn't obtained permission slips if she hadn't also created a situation that would have made a fender bender look like the aftermath of Death Race. Oh, and the whole "I just love my students!" angle falls through when you learn that she hilariously forgot two of them at the school -- although maybe she realized that strapping them to the roof would have been too conspicuous. The teacher eventually lost her job, although her students will make sure that she's named Most Likely To Fuck Up A Completely Innocent Idea.
The Trip To The Morgue Which Uncovered A Classmate's Brain In A Jar
CGP Grey/Wiki Commons
A New York high school's forensic science club went on a trip to the mortuary to learn that there's more to solving crimes than making CSI-style witticisms, but it took a nasty turn when they accidentally solved the mystery of "What happened to our classmate's brain?" Two months after the tragic death of a 17-year-old peer, his classmates wandered by a brain jar that had his name on it. So either they were beginning to unravel a massive cloning conspiracy or some sort of evil twin scenario, or his family had buried less of their son than they thought. We don't want to spoil anything, but it was the second one.
The teen's family had agreed to an autopsy, but reasonably assumed that it would have been wrapped up before it was time to bury their child. The city argued that further testing was required, which probably would have been fine had they bothered to tell anyone their plans before they stuck the poor kid's brain on a shelf.
Gaetan Lee/Wiki Commons
"Oh, you wanted to bury all of him? Boy, are our faces red."
There were no winners here. The morgue was sued for the emotional distress caused when they awkwardly handed over the teen's brain, liver, and testes months after the funeral. His family was understandably devastated by having to perform a second burial for their son's testicles. And all of his classmates received a stark and haunting reminder of their own mortality. Although we guess that if you're in a criminal forensics club, you've already come to terms with that. But it's such a shame that this otherwise wholesome and inspirational field trip to the morgue was ruined by something creepy.
You can read more from Mark, including all about the time he chaperoned a trip to his underground child fighting ring, at his website.
Also check out 6 Disturbing Things I Learned Writing Your Textbooks and 5 Feel-Good School Programs With Horrifying Consequences.
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