You Will Receive:

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Which Means You Now Own:

Total First Year Cost: $11,360

Is raising a hen more or less expensive than a partridge or a turtle dove? That's the kind of question you don't even sort of have the time to ask yourself right now, because you've got 10 goddamn birds flapping around your one-bedroom apartment and a third pear tree, full of the promise of someday growing to be at least 15 meters high and reeking of rotting fish semen, sitting in a pot on your balcony. This is going to be a problem at some point, but right now all you can think about is the fact that, in just one day, your total yearly tab has almost doubled.

Also, something that we've been avoiding to this point ... where did you meet this psycho who won't stop bringing you birds? Can you maybe ask them to stop?

Even worse, who can sleep with 20 birds around? Certainly not you. Insomnia will be a very major concern soon. That, in turn, will have an impact on your ability to work, thereby limiting your ability to take care of these stupid birds. For the sake of everyone involved, if this gets any worse, you'll want to think about moving.

An acre is probably a lot less land than you realize, just about 75 percent of the size of a football field. You should probably buy five. That's bad news for you, to the tune of $250,000.

A financial hit like that means you can't be choosy about living quarters for yourself, so you do what so many homesteaders have done in recent years and pick up a fancy-pants FEMA trailer for right around $4,000. Your new first year total: $279,400. Goddamn.

You Will Receive:

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Which Means You Now Own:

Total First Year Cost: $325,200

Whatever benefits might have been gained by the arrival of birds who produce things you can eat is immediately negated by this nightmare of a development. "Swans-a-swimming" roughly translates to "shit, I need a lake now."

Good news! Information about what installing a lake on your upstart chlorine tree farm will cost is readily available. First, you'll need another acre of land. Let's assume you catch someone awash in the spirit of Christmas and pick that up for $25,000. The labor to have the land dug up and filled with bird water adds another $10,000 to the tab. This, along with the addition of another tree and 23 more birds, brings your first year total to a bank-account-annihilating $325,200 just one week in.

And yes, that does take into account that you, once again, pawned all five of the gold rings. Immediately.

Total First Year Cost: $364,000

All right! Eight maids-a-milking! That means they can make milk and, apparently, you're required to make sure they do, given the description. The upside here is that you'll have a "thirst-quenching" beverage to go with your steady diet of nothing but eggs. So that's cool. Unfortunately, you don't just have cows sitting around waiting to be milked. On the low side of things, expect to spend $1,000 for each one. So there's an extra $8,000, which is a bummer, but not nearly as big of a bummer as how human-trafficky this situation just became.

That said, having a little extra help around the place will be nice, but they can't just live outside. Plan on needing a minimum of four new FEMA trailers to house the help. Add to that the fact that you're up 23 more birds and another tree, and your total now sits at a life-destroying $364,000.

Additionally -- we might as well not mince words at this point -- you're going to have to come to terms with the fact that you, for all intents and purposes, are now a slave owner. It's great that you bought them cows to work their magic on; it's less great that you can pay them only in FEMA trailers and eggs for their work.

This will be a rebellion soon, but for now, you're just happy to have a little help, even if it is the most morally bankrupt thing you've ever done in your life.

Total First Year Cost: $422,800

Correction! This is the most morally bankrupt thing you've ever done. On the bright side, you're sure you really are dealing with your true love, otherwise why would you stand by idly as your relationship takes this unspeakably dark turn? No matter your gender, if your significant other is giving you the gift of nine females to dance for your pleasure, they're up to some unsavory shit.

Still, you turn a blind eye and let it happen, because you're in love and you just want things to work. You briefly consider using this gift as a means to make money, but you almost immediately realize you're not cut out to be a criminal, instead opting to make sure each of them is comfortable by getting them each a FEMA trailer of their own. You also give them the five golden rings instead of selling them, purely out of guilt.

Unfortunately, seeing as how there are only five rings, this leaves four girls without, leading to a night of class warfare that's only worsened when the word of this opulence makes its way back to the four FEMA trailers you purchased earlier, which are now housing four maids each. If you think they're sharing cows after seeing the dancers frolicking in the abundant free space provided by a private trailer, you are sorely mistaken. The cost of new cows and FEMA trailers adds another $44,000 to your tab, and tension within the homestead is at a fever pitch.

This is going to get out of hand quickly. If the captives don't revolt, the Hitchcockian army of 115 birds forming a perimeter around the compound waiting for someone to die surely will. You're now in the hole $422,800, and in the hole 100 percent spiritually. Is there nothing your true love can do to help?

Total First Year Cost: $445,600

This is absolutely not the kind of help you had in mind. PNC calculated the price of "lords-a-leaping" as hiring ballet dancers, but these are no dancers. They're here to "help with the girls," they say, which you're fine with considering they've brought another 17 (eight more maids, nine more dancers). They'll be keeping the golden rings for their troubles. You catch a break in that each FEMA trailer can house four people and, with the 13 you've already purchased, you have exactly enough room to accommodate these new arrivals. As uncomfortable as you are with the arrangement, having a team around to quell any uprisings from the maids and dancers is a welcome relief, and agreeing to live four to a trailer was awfully kind of them. Would it have been more kind of them to not bring another helping of birds? Sure, but you'll take whatever help you can get at this point. Also, more cows for the maids, please! Total cost so far: $445,600.

You had your suspicions that you were witnessing the birth of a brothel when that first wave of lords showed up, even going so far as to wonder if all the semen-scented trees were meant to mask the smell of ... well, semen. But where are the customers? Where is the money? Why are they still eating all of your goddamn eggs? No, this is no brothel. This is something else. You don't want to believe it, but deep down, you're pretty sure you've been instrumental in starting a cult of some sort.

Speaking of instruments, these thoughts race through your mind as the pipers continue their hypnotic drone. You take in the chaos unfolding around you. That drone. It's inside your head, and you like it. For a moment, the sound washes away all of your cares, except for one ... you've never wanted a golden ring so badly in your life. You will do anything for that ring, even provide housing for 90 people and care for 161 godforsaken birds. What? More cows? Yes, of course more cows. Total cost so far: $508,400.