The 5 Least Subtle Product Placements in Gaming History

They weren't just there for window dressing, either. The game's designers (and the products' PR departments) wanted to make damn sure you associated these endorsements with peak health of both body and mind. To that end, they turned chips and soda into power-ups that could restore your health and psyche, the latter being the game's measurement of how quickly your body can naturally heal itself. So they're essentially saying you will die if you don't rabidly consume those chips and soft drinks, but they don't stop there: Should you actually die with Doritos or soda in your inventory, they will bring you back to life. As far as Peace Walker is concerned, junk food is the new Jesus Christ.

Then there's AXE Body Spray, which improves your psyche gauge by making you smell better. That's how they reconciled including a product that wasn't even around in the '70s (when Peace Walker takes place). Pretty thin justification -- but not as thin as you'll look in this slimming black AXE T-shirt!

Unfortunately for diehard capitalists in the Sweet Land of Liberty, by the time Peace Walker made it to the states, all licenses had expired. The idea of replacing everything with more logical military items like first-aid kits and MRES never occurred to the developers, so they just palette-swapped the chips and soda to generic store brand products. And all the other soldiers made fun of Snake for drinking Alpine Mist until he had to eat his lunch alone in the band room.

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Chupa Chups ejaculated their logo and product all over the unsuspecting platformer, leaving the poor game sticky and ashamed. But Chupa Chups did not care -- even if it made zero sense in context, their product was first and foremost. The entire first world (the Sweet Zone) became nothing but a giant commercial -- every few screens, you'd find the Chupa Chups logo glaring loudly in the background, 10 times larger than Zool and utterly dominating the entire design of the level. Players were understandably put off by the punch-in-the-face advertising, and Sonic and Mario, the two video game mascot superpowers, continued their bloody and terrible war unopposed. Well, except for Bonk. But fuck Bonk.

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Originally released by Ford as a promotion for its 1988 models, Ford Simulator consisted of little more than the player sanely test-driving Ford cars. Realism is all well and good in auto games, but this was 1988, when gaming had like 20 pixels to work with, total. The player couldn't get a genuine sense of the car's looks from the simulator, much less its handling or its power, because you didn't race the Fords in this game. You didn't perform stunts with them. You didn't run over old ladies with them. There were real and immediate consequences for any tomfoolery:

You simply pressed the gas button until you didn't press it anymore. You ostensibly needed to "race" to your destination, but if you crashed or sped, you were out, so gameplay was mostly adhering to the speed limit and staying within the lines. Thrills around every corner! Too bad this is the highway. To be fair, though, there were various mini-games you could play to break up the monotony of driving sensible cars in a sensible way. You could fill up your gas tank:

You could stop at the local mini mart to buy a map:

And that was it.

Back to sane and sober driving, please! Oh, and don't think Ford Simulator was a one-and-done deal. Nope -- they released a new one every year for six years.

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One of the most basic rules of advertising is to know your audience and build ads that cater to their interests. Toyota did just that in 2007 with Yaris, the absolute perfect video game tie-in for the burgeoning demographic of minivan-driving soccer mom acid freaks with violent tendencies.

Check out the gun stuck to the Yaris' roof (standard option?), observe the UFOs, the giant 8-balls, the winged MP3 players ... truly, this was a game designed by a developer who looked around at the crap on his desk and thought, "Eh, this'll do."

But hey, if the game itself is good, who cares how absurd the premise is, right? Unfortunately, the game turned out to be completely awful, with horrid controls that attempted to cross-breed a traditional stick shooter with a legitimate driving sim, and failed miserably on both counts. This was your track:

Without those hokey flames (the animations don't move at all; they just stand there like cardboard cutouts), this would be one of the most boring levels of all time. A gray track on a white background, populated by living knickknacks and an affordable hatchback. On the other hand, perhaps the developers just really wanted to make the Toyota Yaris the most exciting thing on the screen.

Obviously, the only way to manage that was to make everything else as boring as possible.

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There were also numerous Pizza Hut chains strategically placed in the most dangerous enemy-filled sections of the galaxy. You could buy various pizzas and coffee at these locations, all of which worked to restore health and energy. Because that's what comes to mind when you think of health, energy, and high quality coffee: Pizza Hut.

When it came to hawking KFC, though, Yum would not be satisfied with some measly magical boxes and a couple of life-giving chain stores. The Colonel deserves better. The Colonel will not be denied. The Colonel will accept nothing less than total dominance. The Colonel will be an ass-kicking playable character with a supernatural cane, or he will be nothing.

Yes indeed, Colonel Sanders was a full-blown partner who aided you in your efforts to save the universe. Not a mystical old man who gives you a quest. Not a friendly shopkeeper or comic relief. Colonel Sanders was a warrior. He ran right out onto the battlefield with you, handing out Double beat-Downs left and right. Here's one of his special moves, the laser cane:

And because you came here to see it, even if you didn't know it at the time, even if you were just drawn to this article by some mysterious implacable pull that you couldn't quite explain -- here's Colonel Sanders pimp-slapping the holy hell out of a giant bug thing. Thanks, Japan!

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Related Reading: Product placement gets even more painful. Check out this Survivor cast pretending to enjoy an Adam Sandler movie. But at least that isn't as cringe-worthy as this Craftsman tool ad featuring the Justice League. Oh, we've got more shameless shilling to show off. Click here.