In 10th century Kiev, Princess Olga was married to Prince Igor. She lived an idyllic 10th century princess life, which was presumably slightly less plague- and parasite-infested than normal life -- until 945, when Igor, out collecting tribute from the neighboring Drevlians, was killed. Because her son was too young to take the throne, Olga took over as ruler of the Kievan Rus' Kingdom.
Wikimedia CommonsGod decreed that she kick ass and chew bubblegum. But the Kingdom of Man was all out of bubblegum.
As a ruler, the Drevlians considered Olga a pushover -- an unwed woman, ha! -- and because marriage would unite the two areas under their rule, the Drevlians sent suitors to make something useful out of the princess: a wife. Still wrapped up in a soft, Downy blanket of rage, Olga managed to put on her party smile and welcomed the visitors. She told her noble suitors that her people would carry them in their boats to the castle, so they wouldn't have to walk. And they did. But when they got to the castle's courtyard, the carriers dumped the suitors, boat and all, into a giant trench. Olga, smiling, had them all buried alive.
Stocksnapper/Photos.com10th century Russian catfishing was serious business.
Sending word that she had accepted the proposal, even more Drevlians came down to help prepare the wedding. They were sent to a bathhouse when they arrived, where the doors were immediately barred behind them, and the whole building was set on fire. Still not getting the hint, several more Drevlian dignitaries came over to attend the funeral. Apparently not the least bit worried about the freshly dug mass grave or the smoldering remains of a bathhouse, the Drevlians got their mournful drink on. With every Drevlian well past drunk, even by Russian standards, Olga stepped in and killed them. Five thousand of them, to be exact.
And yet, Olga still wasn't done. She now directed her wrath to the Drevlian capital city itself. When an all-out assault didn't work, Olga offered a gesture of peace. If all the houses in the city gave her a token tribute -- a few measly doves -- she would leave the next day. They gladly acquiesced and delivered the birds. That night, while the city slept, Olga had hot coals attached to the birds' feet with strings, and then sent them all home. The entire city burst into flames. She then killed, enslaved, or extorted everybody who passed her trying to flee the fire.
Wikimedia Commons"So, uh, does this mean the whole marriage thing is off?"