12

Lord West Suits Will Impress Your 7-Year-Old Date

vintageadbrowser.com
"I like my women like I like my code names: 007."

11

Man in Tuxedo Carefully Considers Naked Child

library.duke.edu
"Told you it was bigger. Now pay up."

10

"Are You Sure I'll Still Be a Virgin?"

thesocietypages.org
"If you didn't think band camp counted, I don't see why you'd think this would."

The Message:

9

Escaped Convicts Love Revell Authentic Model Kits

vintageadbrowser.com
"Is this the new plan, boss?"
"I've spent all day plotting against Superman; this is 'Lex Time'."

The Message:

Hey kids! Check out these sweet model kits!

The Horror:

There's only one possible scenario in which this picture could have come to exist: The photographers were getting ready to shoot this ad when they realized that the boy who was supposed to be holding up the models in the picture never showed up for work. Panicking, the man from the ad agency looked around the studio.

"Dmitri, can you come here for a second?" he said to the guy who fixes the lighting. "Stand here and hold this model. Yes, that's great. You'll play the boy in this ad."

"But sir," said the photographer, "Dmitri was just released from jail. In fact, he's still wearing the prison jumpsuit."

"No, no, he's perfect. Look at him. Look at that childlike innocence in his face."

"Could you open the top button maybe, show a little chest hair?"

8

Our Competitors = Surgical Ass Torture

vintageadbrowser.com
"Don't worry, sir, the gloves are just to establish atmosphere."

The Message:

Using cheap toilet paper can lead to medical complications.

The Horror:

... which in turn can lead to rubber-gloved hands inserting clamps in your anus. Better play it safe and go with Scott Tissues.

This attempt to traumatize customers into buying their product with threats of anal torture was part of a whole marketing campaign created during the Great Depression in which Scott Tissues' slogan went from "Wipe your butt with us" to "Wipe your butt with us, or die in a world of asshole pain."

Of course, it was all bullshit: There's no such thing as "toilet tissue illness," it was just a thing they made up to convince people to keep buying tissues at a time when they were lucky enough if they had a toilet.

7

"Before You Scold Me, Mom ... Maybe You'd Better Light Up a Marlboro"

deceptology.com

6

Clear Eyes Drops Will Unleash Your Eye Lasers

vintageadbrowser.com
We're pretty sure that this is how Tom Cruise has sex.

5

Myers's Rum: It's What Your Murderer Drank

vintagebooze.com
Presenting the only time someone has worn that type of coat while fully clothed.

The Message:

All the other rums taste like kiddie booze compared to Myers's Rum. Myers's Rum is so great, in fact, that it doesn't even have to submit to the most basic rules of grammar.

The Horror:

"Hey, uh, Joe?"

"Yeah?"

"Could you maybe ... not look at the camera like you want to rape and kill us? We're trying to sell a product here, after all."

"Oh, sorry. How's this?"

4

Metrecal Diet Food Is Like Eating a Plate Full of Pink Paint

huffingtonpost.com
Look at those bubbles -- even the plate's trying to vomit.

The Message:

Drink Metrecal diet food instead of eating regular meals and you'll be slim in no time!

The Horror:

This looks like someone is really confused about how to drink their cough syrup. See, there's a reason why most diet supplements focus on how slim this thing will supposedly make you look and not on the product itself: Most of that shit looks gross. They could have just shown a person drinking this vile stuff from the can, but instead they decided to draw comparisons with eating a steak, thus stressing the fact that this could never pass for one in any sense. And that's probably why they felt the need to apologize for the photo in the small print:

"And we said, 'Yeah, sure, what the fuck.'"

3

Vegetables Are as Fun as Robot Puke

x-factor-e.blogspot.com

The Message:

Technology has advanced to the point where you no longer have to chop and mix your own vegetables: Now they come in a box. Welcome to the fantastic world of tomorrow.

The Horror:

"Eat the vomit of Billy the vegetable-spewing robot!"

It seems like at some point this was just supposed to be a cartoonish steam shovel dumping out the vegetables, but somebody decided that wasn't kid-friendly enough. So now the steam shovel is a living being, with human teeth, no less, and you are eating the rejected contents of its own digestive system.

"You don't even want to know what we do to fruit."

2

Fresh Fish Oil, and We Mean Really Fresh

vintageadbrowser.com
One of those spigots is a reproductive organ, isn't it?

The Message:

This fresh fish oil is as fresh as literally tapping a freshly caught fish.

The Horror:

We have no idea how this is supposed to make the product more appealing. Not only are these children drinking fish juice directly out of faucets implanted on a giant fish, but the fish is alive, and it is watching them. Look at that eye, pointed directly at the small humans slowly emptying its own innards. Look at that mouth, wide open in terror and confusion.

And not just because of the large hook painfully inserted in it.

Look, advertisers, you're supposed to make us forget the horror involved in producing the stuff we eat, not make it worse.

1

Shadow Children Like Sanitol

library.duke.edu
You have no idea how many tries it took for us to not write "Satanol" in this entry's title.

The Message:

Your happy little sailor will brush his teeth all day if you give him this crap.

The Horror:

A sailor, or some sort of other-dimensional shadow demon, crudely shaped into the form of a child in an effort to mock God's creations.

We honestly want to know -- what the hell is going on here? Don't tell us it's a crude racist representation of a black child. Look at the hair. Hell, even the whites of his eyes are black.

"Come on, Cracked. It's clearly just a printing error, they just reversed the colors, that's all."

OK. Sure. That's probably it. Here, let's try it the other way:

Sweet dreams.

For more insane advertisements, check out 12 'Sexy' Ads That Will Give You Nightmares and 10 Awesome Ads (For Traumatizing Children).

If you're pressed for time and just looking for a quick fix, then check out The Most Unintentionally Disturbing McDonald's Ad.