Your Honey and Spices Are Fake
If you're like us and you only use spices to impress the opposite sex with the illusion that you know what to do with them, then it's possible that you don't even really know what that stuff is supposed to be made of. And that's exactly where the food industry wants you, if they're going to sell you fake bootleg spices.
Take honey, for example. You'd think it's a pretty straightforward product -- bees make it, bears steal it from the bees, you eat it. Or something. But the truth is that pretty much all the major players in the industry knowingly buy their honey from dodgy sources in China -- a country that, for instance, has no qualms in purveying pepper that is entirely made from mud.
Wait, does that mean that pork comes pre-seasoned?"
Bootleg Chinese honey frequently has all of the pollen filtered out of it to disguise its origin, and it's then cut like back-alley cocaine with cheap corn syrup and artificial sweeteners. The FDA says that a substance can't legally be called "honey" if it contains no pollen, and yet most of the stuff tested from the main retailers contained not a trace of it.
Soy sauce is another thing you'd assume no one would feel the need to fabricate, seeing as soy isn't exactly a rare commodity. Again, you'd be wrong. Proper soy sauce takes a pretty long time to make, so many manufacturers have started producing an imitation product that takes only three days to make and has a longer shelf life. It is made from something called "hydrolyzed vegetable proteins," as well as caramel coloring, salt, and our good old friend corn syrup. Most of the soy sauce that you get in packets with your sushi is actually this fake stuff. But at least it comes with wasabi, too, right? If by "wasabi" you mean "horseradish mixed with mustard." Let's face it, you probably weren't even served by a real Japanese person.
"I'm actually Korean as all get-out."