Debate: Should Hotels Charge for Wi-Fi?

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For more than 30 years, Messrs. Brown and Gladstone have traveled the world, acquiring knowledge and sharpening their advocacy skills, all for the solitary purpose of debating the most pressing issues of the day. No topic is too daunting. Each debate begins with a coin toss. The loser must debate in favor of the more demanding side. The winner ... is you, the Cracked audience.

Today's topic: Should hotels charge for Wi-Fi?

Opening Statements

Debate: Should Hotels Charge for Wi-Fi? — Getty

Gladstone: Like most honest consumers, I'm not looking for a free ride. I understand that hotels are in business to make money, and there's nothing wrong with that. But certain fees cannot be abided. Specifically Wi-Fi charges. Do hotels charge extra for a TV? For a toilet that flushes? For electricity? Of course not. There are amenities that we expect to come with the room when we plop down our cash for lodging. Why should Wi-Fi be any different? You know the hotel's already getting the Internet. How else could that syphilitic concierge at the downtown LaQuinta cruise porn when he's not giving dinner recommendations for the local Sizzler? We should not be paying for the privilege of masturbating to laptop porn from the comfort of an unfamiliar bed teeming with strangers' skin cells. Hotel Wi-Fi should be free.

Adam: Don't be stupid, hotel Wi-Fi is never free. Internet bandwidth doesn't just fall from the sky because you own a hotel. That shit's like gold these days, cellphone carriers wouldn't be "throttling" data plans if it wasn't. Do you feel like what you pay for Internet service at home is fair? Do you think it gets more fair if you have to accommodate another hundred or so rooms? Of course not. So the cost is either worked into the cost of the room or they ask you to pay for it separately. Bitching about it is like bitching about a portion of your room charge going to pay the electric bill.

Debate

Round 1

Adam: Passing the cost of Wi-Fi on to business owners is a debt that will be satisfied at the cost of American jobs. What do you say to the children who will go hungry as a result of your selfish need to watch gay porn for free?

Gladstone: Do you understand how money works? It serves a function beyond getting women who find you physically repulsive to grind on your lap for three minutes. The hotel's getting Internet service anyway. What exactly is your money being used for?

Adam: Why don't you get a phone that works as a wireless router like a grownup? Leave the public Wi-Fi to the pedophiles and hackers who need it the most.

Gladstone: Because, Captain Science, this is America. When I go to a hotel, I want getting on Wi-Fi to be as easy as getting on your mom when I come over with a packet of food stamps and a box of Twinkies.

Round 2

Gladstone: So you realize you and every other guest is paying a fee for one router over and over that's already been paid for. Do you like being screwed like that because it reminds you of Dad?

Adam: You do realize local phone calls are like a minimum of one dollar each at a hotel, right? But nobody bitches about that because your cellphone makes paying that fee obsolete. And guess what? Most of them can do the same thing for paying Wi-Fi fees. You should be glad when hotels charge for Wi-Fi, at least they aren't jacking your room rate up for it. Now just plug your phone into your computer and use that delicious Internet flowing through it to read your precious fan fiction. If you haven't figured out that you can do that with your phone, it's your fault for letting technology pass you by.

Gladstone: Since you like paying for things for no reason, could you take care of my student loans?

Adam: I certainly agree that you're owed a refund by whatever institution claims to have "educated" you, for whatever that's worth.

Closing Arguments

Adam: Pick your battles, people. If you're using something in a hotel, you're paying for it, whether they charge you separately or not.

Gladstone: At this point I'd like to disqualify Mr. Brown from the debate. It's obvious he cannot think clearly when it comes to getting used in a hotel.