Make an Urn of Your Disembodied Head
Quick! What's the one shortcoming of traditional cremation urns? If you said that it's sort of creepy to have the incinerated remains of your loved one awkwardly displayed on the mantle, with just a single bout of rom-com-caliber antics separating them from their eventual meeting with the bagless undertaker, we're right there with you. If, however, you answered, "Not enough dead eyes and judging stares," then you may be a potential customer for Cremation Solutions, a Vermont-based company spearheading the movement to make displaying your dead relatives even more terrifyingly awkward than it already is.
"I want it turned toward us while we're having sex. Hey, where are you going?"
Cremation Solutions has created a "new and exciting way to memorialize your loved one" by molding a year-round haunted house prop in his or her image. For just $2,600, Cremation Solutions will use their state-of-the-art 3-D imaging technique and photos of the deceased to create an incredibly detailed Personal Urn that is an unbelievably realistic representation of said dead person's domepiece.
The urn promises to hold all of the ashes of a full-sized adult, but if you're shopping for a relative whom you didn't love quite that much, for $600 they also offer a keepsake-sized urn that will hold "just a portion" of the ashes. Sadly, their website is currently lacking pricing for displaying the head on a wall plaque, hunting-lodge-style.
Though they do offer the old "Fuck Up Your Children for Life" option.
For prospective mantlepiece monsters with short hair, the company will add digital texture to complete the piece. However, if the subject had a totally bitchin' do, Cremation Solutions will gladly add a wig designed to your exact specifications (which, as you'd expect, looks completely normal and not out of place at all):
You'll have to decorate the entire rest of your home in rainbows and gumdrops to balance out this thing's qi.