The Insane Upgrade

Tom's Guide
Incredibly, it isn't the hat.

Say hello to the BodyGuard, simultaneously the most awesome and irresponsible self-defense weapon in the history of everything. Its strangeness starts with its designer, David Brown -- instead of being a weaponsmith, he's a music video editor, producer and cameraman for artists like Rage Against the Machine and Snoop Dogg. So it comes as no surprise that his invention packs a certain amount of swagger: It's basically an armored Batman glove that encompasses your entire arm.

Brown has equipped the glove with a high-powered stun gun, for the sole reason of allowing you to electro-punch s**t. To accompany that, he also threw in a flashlight (to better see what you're electro-punching), and a laser pointer (to better aim your electro-punch), and a goddamn video camera (because no one on earth would believe you just electro-punched a dude unless you immediately got that s**t onto YouTube).

At some point, a man looked up at the sky and said, "I need to turn this into a punch."

The thinking behind the BodyGuard is that in the heat of a violent encounter, a normal handheld weapon can be easily dropped or taken away -- whereas the only way the BodyGuard can be removed from you is if you were literally disarmed.

The thinking behind BodyGuard's name is even more awesome: The glove is named as a dig at/tribute to Kevin Costner, because Costner sponsored its development and, honestly, who could resist?

Although a relatively new product, the BodyGuard has already gained a measure of interest and fame among law enforcement, and is currently in trials with the LAPD. However, its original use was very different: It was invented to punch mountain lions.

Oh yes. Brown got the idea for his lightning combat glove when he learned of two bikers who had been mauled by a mountain lion. We can't help but be impressed by a guy whose instinctive reaction to such a story is: "I must now punch that lion with thunder!"

There's a certain elegance in simplicity.

Technically, machetes are tools designed to hack through a jungle. However, ever since someone noticed that people are generally a lot softer than jungles, the giant knife has seen its share of combat and developed the kind of fearsome reputation sizable chopping utensils tend to enjoy.

But put some distance between yourself and the opponent, and the machete's combat value degrades to that of a toilet paper umbrella. It's literally a case of bringing a knife to a gunfight: Either you just flail pathetically around with it, or you try throwing the machete at the enemy. Both scenarios are likely to warrant little more reaction from your opponent than a long look, a sad headshake and a burst from their AK. Which is why you want to have your machete gun handy.

The Insane Upgrade

This is Joerg Sprave, holding his giant-ass slingshot gun that shoots machetes:

Joerg Sprave
"Remember when I said I'd kill you last, underbrush? I lied."

And holy s**t this is a video of a giant-ass slingshot gun that shoots machetes:

Sprave is a slingshot enthusiast who specializes in building slingshot guns that shoot things in ways they aren't meant to be shot, which according to our calculations puts him approximately 1/3 of a minor tragedy away from taking up supervillainy (we're assuming villainy, because there's no way a hero would design a slingshot that can launch machetes in an arc of bladey horror that is heading for your face right now).

What's more, Sprave is not alone with his hobby: Here's another dude who built a crossbow that shoots buzz saw blades from scratch, just for the hell of it.

GizMag
It has a green laser sight. Because of course.

So yeah -- there appears to be a whole host of people out there building homemade contraptions that enable them to shoot random sharp objects at you like they were video game bosses. If these people all belong to the same club, here's hoping that a fight never breaks out at a meeting. Or if it does, that someone is there to film it.

There is one thing everyone can agree on when it comes to the controversial Taser -- it sucks to get hit by one. Carried by police around the world, the Taser fires a pair of tiny darts that p***k the skin an instant before a powerful jolt of electricity makes all of your muscles stop working, ending the fight before it begins. So when the people at Taser wanted to upgrade their signature product for military applications, the solution was pretty much "Why not just glue a shitload of them together?"

The Insane Upgrade

Taser
"Boom. Done. Let's blow the rest of this year's R&D budget on liquor."

They call it the Shockwave because, well, that was really the only option. It shocks people in waves. Basically it's a bank of six Tasers that can be stacked together to form one solid wall of pain. If this seems like overkill for, say, arresting a couple of rowdy drunks, Taser reps say it's for the military to use as "perimeter control" -- something you can stash outside the area you don't want bad guys to approach that can drop a whole squad of them without killing them.

Youtube
Or you can make one unlucky dude poop himself in, like, a second.

Oh, and you can also mount it on the front of a vehicle, in case you wanted to drive through a crowd, we guess, or Tase some people who are too slow getting across a crosswalk. Ah, who are we kidding? It's going to take some police force about five seconds to abuse this thing. It doesn't help that the company's demo video runs over a variation of the Terminator theme:

And while we're on the subject of non-lethal yet horrifying weapons ...

Because all non-lethal weapons right now have their Achilles' heels: Plastic bullets can be fatal, Tasers can be dangerous and pepper sprays are only good when your target is too close for comfort.

Clearly the answer is to combine all of those into one thing.

The Insane Upgrade

It's a non-lethal bullet called ShockRound, which not only sounds like a particularly grating Indiana Jones sidekick, but also has the nerve-wrecking factor to match. The tiny little projectile manages to attack three of your five senses in one mind-numbing assault. First, it hits you much like an ordinary rubber bullet. Then, it opens and shoots compressed gas at you. While throwing a sonic boom at you. While blinding you.

SmartRounds
Because there's no such thing as overkill with a non-lethal weapon.

Seriously. All that's missing is a boot-on-a-spring that shoots out and kicks you in the nuts, and chances are they're going to add that to the 2.0 version.

Said payload is a combination of compressed air and chemicals, custom designed to overwhelm the human senses in a way that totally takes your mind off fighting. In a fraction of an instant, it will create a dazzling flash to blind you, a loud woomph! noise to disorient your hearing and, of course, a mini-explosion of pressurized air that blasts your body with concussive force. This creates a sensation not unlike being shot with a beanbag and a stun grenade at the same time.

Officer.com
We smell a new successor to paintball!

But what if you enjoy being crowd controlled with super stun-bullets shot from realistic-looking sidearms, but prefer more exotic submission methods than mere sensory attacks? Not to worry -- the good people at SmartRound are working on many other types of "f**k you" bullets, which may include "irritant sprays," "expanding gels" and even "explosives."

Yes, bullets with irritant sprays and expanding gels. The future is here, ladies and gentlemen, you just need to start a riot to see it.

It probably comes as no surprise to you that Unmanned Aerial Vehicles (UAVs) have been military hot property for years now -- you've probably seen them on the news every time one of them kills a terrorist and a dozen innocent bystanders to boot. Even our state-of-the-art assassination technology lacks the intricate maneuverability to reach the bad guy hiding in the Puppy Hospital without compromising all the puppies.

"Adorability does not compute."

The Insane Upgrade

The army agrees that that s**t just won't do, and for future puppy-saving purposes has developed the Autonomous Quadrotor UAV:

Look at that thing go! In just that short demonstration clip, that tiny four-rotored guy flits through tiny window-sized spaces like it ain't no thing, perches on walls and hovers like nobody's business. It's like one of those tiny Michael Bay comic relief Transformers, except it's real and doesn't speak with a wacky accent.

What it does do is as remarkable as it is creepy: It can fly in formation, maneuver safely in tight, enclosed spaces and avoid every obstacle on the way as it sneaks up on the bad guy ... then perch calmly on his shoulder and detonate a localized but lethal explosion right on his ass. Then, as all the grateful puppies gather around it, the Autonomous Quadrotor UAV scoffs at you for not having faith in its explosive abilities.

To prove its sophistication and precision, here is a squad of them playing the James Bond theme on musical instruments.

Source

Oh, look at that. The world has finally gone insane.

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For more in the world of ridiculous weaponry, check out 6 New Weapons That You Literally Cannot Hide From and The 7 Most Stupidly Overpowered Hunting Weapons.

If you're pressed for time and just looking for a quick fix, then check out 5 Reasons Ol Dirty Bastard's Biopic Must be a Superhero Film.

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