News broke last weekend that legendary rap collective the Wu-Tang Clan will portray themselves in an upcoming film based on the life of their fallen comrade, Ol' Dirty Bastard. Awesomely, the lead role will be played by Michael K. Williams, who you probably know by his real name, which is "Omar from The Wire."
If you see the resemblance, you're probably racist.
Sounds like an alright plan to us, but only on one condition: It's going to have to be a superhero movie. There's way too much moral ambiguity in the Ol' Dirty Bastard story to play it any other way. And besides, the formula totally fits.
Here are five reasons why Ol' Dirty Bastard makes an ideal superhero.
#5. He Had a Dark Side
Nobody wants a clean-cut superhero. Any good comic book will dedicate at least a page or so to reminding the reader that their hero might enjoy fighting crime, but he also enjoys putting on ladies' clothing and beating himself with a bicycle chain. (We forget what comic that was specifically.)
Anyway, Ol' Dirty Bastard had a criminal history so vast that the FBI kept a running file on him. That's a level of don't-give-a-fuckitude that's reserved for only the top tier superheroes of the world.
Among his more notable offenses was an attempted murder charge for shooting at two police officers during a traffic stop. The charges were dropped. Rest assured, "normal" people don't shoot at cops and get away with it.
Normal people also don't casually stroll into a shoe store and shoplift a pair of $50 Nikes while carrying $500 cash in their pocket. Ol' Dirty Bastard did that, though.
So just think of him like Hancock, except he's a much better rapper.
#4. He Had an Alter Ego
Nobody just comes out of the womb named Spider-Man. Something has to happen along your path that sets you on a course that ends with you putting on ridiculous costumes and spreading good throughout the world. And before it happens, you're just a regular dude named Peter Parker or Clark Kent.
Or maybe Russell Jones. That was Ol' Dirty Bastard's name. But if his lyrics were to be believed, he also likely had a driver's license in the following names as well:
Dirt Dog, Dirt McGirt, Ason Unique, Osirus and Big Baby Jesus.
Just joking. There's no way that dude had a valid driver's license. He had that alter ego shit down though, yeah?
#3. Every Superhero Has a Weakness
Superman can stop a bullet just by glaring at it. He can literally pick up the Earth and throw it in the unlikely event that such an act would somehow be beneficial instead of killing us all instantly. He can see through women's clothes! There's literally nothing Superman can't do. But put him in front of a pile of kryptonite and he's useless.
Unfortunately, if ODB is a superhero, crack is his kryptonite. It was a drug overdose that eventually killed him, and it was probably drugs that were the culprit behind many of the crazy antics we laughed at back when he was alive and then felt kind of uncomfortable about for a few months after he died because we didn't realize how troubled he was and then went back to laughing at a few months later because that's how comedy works.
But a dark past, multiple names and a weakness for a substance that most people can ignore with no problem is not enough to qualify a person as a superhero. Good thing ...
#2. He Had Super Strength
Here's the scene: Ol' Dirty Bastard is in a Brooklyn recording studio when he witnesses a car accident. He rushes to the area of the crash and finds a little girl trapped underneath a car. With the help of a few friends, he then proceeds to lift the vehicle off of the little girl, allowing her to escape.
As if that wasn't superheroic enough already, he then visited the girl at the hospital but refused to reveal his true identity to the family. Here's hoping he didn't go with the "Big Baby Jesus" alias when they asked. An awfully inappropriate choice at a moment like that.
But ODB's rescue of an endangered child should come as no surprise, because like any good superhero ...
#1. He Cares About the Children
One of ODB's most famous outbursts happened in 1998 at the Grammy Awards. Disappointed that he and his crew had lost an earlier award to P. Diddy, Ol' Dirty Bastard crashed the stage when Shawn Colvin was supposed to be accepting the award for song of the year.
After explaining that he had bought a suit that "costed a lot of money today" because he expected his group to win, he pointed out that, at the end of the day, Wu-Tang is all about the children. He may not give a shit about Shawn Colvin's moment, but she's an adult and can fend for herself. But the kids? They need a hero, and Ol' Dirty Bastard was the hero they were looking for.