6 Painful Things Nobody Tells You About Fighting
Everybody says they know that action movies are fake, but they're lying. For proof, just get a couple of drunk males in a confrontation and you'll quickly realize they did in fact think Hollywood fight scenes were grim depictions of reality. They'll throw haymakers and roundhouse kicks with images of Jean-Claude Van Damme spin-punching a guy through a plate glass window dancing in their heads.
Thirty seconds later, they're laying on the floor, gasping and hissing in pain while rubbing some body part, perhaps while crying. This is when they realize the difference between choreographed movie fighting and real fighting. Because in the real world, it turns out ...
#6. Your Fists Are Fragile Flowers
A punch should be the easiest thing in the world. Just make a vaguely ball-like shape with your hand and let the beatings commence. Hell, babies do it on accident.
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"The only accident is that you're still alive."
In the movies, everyone from lab scientists to sassy sidekicks throw punches all the time, with no ill effects to anyone but the recipient, who tends to be knocked out without a hitch. The worst case scenario is that the punch has no effect and the opponent will simply be amused, like that giant Nazi Indiana Jones couldn't hurt without a plane propeller. Right?
Of course it's not right. Have you read this site before? Is it ever "right" when we ask like that?
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Not saying that we wouldn't love to live in a word where it is.
Here's the problem -- the hand is a pretty delicate thing. A fight-worthy fist is a lot more than just a bunched-up hand -- developing your curled fingers into a punching tool takes years of training. Even real boxers get it wrong often enough that the most common injury caused by punching failure is known as boxer's fracture.
So, what's the worst that could happen if we get it wrong? Well ... everything, really. There are at least as many ways to break your own fist with your opponent's body as the other way around. Say you align your fingers ever so slightly wrong. Too bad, they are now broken. Hit the target with the wrong knuckle? Enjoy the dislocation of said knuckle. Get the angle wrong? Congratulations, you now have a broken wrist.
Things might've gone differently in the real world for John McClane.
OK, you think, you'll just have to get it right in one shot. You're not going to go 15 rounds with the drunk in the bar, after all. You're just going to punch him right in the face and knock his ass out with one blow. Well, the problem is ...
#5. Punching a Guy in the Head Is a Terrible Idea
Socking a dude right in the jaw tends to be our default response to a physical threat once the "fight" side of the fight-or-flight response takes over. And a lifetime of movies has taught us that a hard smack in the jaw can end a fight in seconds. Hell, we've seen the same thing in boxing and MMA matches, right?
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Fighting ain't hard.
Yep. Rare, perfect blows ... out of hundreds thrown. And those guys are professional fighters.
For the average Joe like you, attempting the classic knockout blow to the head is distilled stupidity. Think about it: The head is a small, moving target -- and therefore pretty much the dumbest place you can attack. And missing your punch is what happens if you're lucky.
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Think those teeth are any less sharp at high speed?
As the head is basically the hardest part of the human body, a connecting blow actually means you stand a better chance of breaking a hand (yours) than breaking a face (your opponent's). Aside from all the "your fists are as fragile as toothpicks" stuff we just finished talking about, remember that the human skull isn't just hard, it's also sharp. Angle your punch wrong, and you might drive your hand directly into the teeth. This is called a fight bite, and it can cause serious damage -- first with a nasty gash in your hand, and then with an even nastier infection. Why? Because the human mouth is disgusting.
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Unless you can afford a really advanced toothbrush.
How nasty is it in there? You'll be unhappy you asked! Human saliva contains as many as 100 million organisms per mL, composed of nearly 200 different species. Species! In your mouth! And now you have those swarming into the open cut in your dainty, womanly fist.
Hey, that's why you just want to kick the dude, right? Well, the problem there is ...
#4. Kicks Are Useless
We accept that this point is a lot harder to believe. After all, a kick is bound to pack a lot more power than a punch, if only because the leg is so much bigger and stronger than the arm. Also, the foot tends to be encased in a shoe in a real-life fighting situation (unless you're being beaten and robbed specifically for your new Jordans), so the fragility factor shouldn't really apply here. Surely, your legs are an ultimate weapon when push really comes to shove. Eat crane kick, motherfucker!
Once again, we have stumbled upon a common misconception, fueled by a gazillion Hollywood action stars and video game protagonists.
Most people don't carefully lean back to let you kick their chin.
Sure enough, a properly delivered high kick or roundhouse can be an instant game changer ... if you're an accomplished martial arts master in a controlled environment, that is. Are you that? Probably not.
While there indeed are bona fide, for realsies kicking experts out there, they are a lot more rare than, say, MMA fighters who prefer to rely on punching and grappling, using kicks mainly as distractions, last resorts and crowd-pleasing flashy moves. The reason for this is simple: Kicks are hard to master and execute properly.
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Unless you're a high-powered businesswoman. Then they're just second nature.
In fact, the effectiveness of anything that could be considered a "high kick" in a real self-defense situation is under debate, even in the martial arts community. If for some reason you're thinking about going out and literally "kicking" some ass, read the previous sentence again slowly. The people who get paid to whomp ass aren't even sure if kicks are worth the effort. If that doesn't give you some pause, you've probably been kicked in the head so many times that another beating won't make much of a difference. So, by all means, kick away.
For the average person with no practical training under their belt, kicks (especially high ones) are slow, cumbersome, easily avoidable things that lack power, take a lot of energy and leave you in an extremely vulnerable position for a counterattack (the recipient of which is usually your dick, because that's what happens when you attempt a move that leaves your groin area open in a real fight).
Finish him!
The only kicks that are considered relatively effective when both people are upright are the fairly low ones to the shins and (of course) balls, which even your average citizen should be able to execute semicorrectly on the second or third try.
In theory, that is. In reality, even lower kicks tend to be laughably easy to avoid, as it turns out that ...
haha i've broke 9 fingers during fights and my hands legit look like they're diseased ridden skinny sausage links. but f**k it i like a good fight here and there, nothing better in this cold world
ReplyThis article should be called "6 Painful Things Nobody Tells You About Fighting (Unless You've Spoken To Someone Who's Been In A Fight)"
ReplyYou can hit a face with the inner carpus (Google tells me it's called Pisiform. It deserves a more badass name, though) without fear. Never mind if it looks like a slap, you will deal a lot of damage. Quite useless for the "softer" parts of the body, though.
ReplyRecent piece of advice: if you aim a hook at someone's ribs make sure you land the WHOLE punch on them, don't go too low. I distorted 2 fingers because half my punch landed on soft... tissue? Area? Stuff?
It's simple. All you need to do at the start of a fight is to start frothing at the mouth uncontrollably and yell "OH NO! RABIES!" and then try and bite the other guy.
ReplyI read this article when it first came out a few weeks ago and this past friday got in my first street fight.
Reply>I was drunk
>other guy was drunk and just ran at me
>I'm fairly certain that I broke the dude's nose
>cut my thumb on the guys teeth
yatta yatta, you told me so cracked.
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ReplyThat is a good point. The man in the military generally know how to fight, but they don't have to hold back for fear of killing someone.
CCW
ReplyJust not while drunk.
when you have the adrenaline going and you regularly try to toughen your fists (i punched walls at about half-force for a while), your fists can take plenty of abuse and not even phase you. i punched a guy four times in the face and stopped because i thought i had missed. after seeing his bloody nose, i knew i connected. quick word of advice: don't stop mid-fight. he put a massive left hook on my temple and i hit the ground... hard. i got back up and we somehow resolved things without any more fighting but the concussion i had the next day reminded me that i need to follow through on a fight if i'm going to fight at all. all in all, i'll probably stick to talking as much as i can.
ReplySo, does it work if you just stab something with your dick until the memories go away?
ReplyPunch the stomach, soft part to hit and effective in damaging opponent. Hit the top of the head/sides of the head, jar the brain cause concussion. Kick the legs, easy to do when a person isn't used to moving his feet during a conflict and slows the persons movements even more. telegraphing doesn't matter much when the hit is fast/hard enough. fighting drunk means you can take more pain, but conditioning and effectiveness is going to lag. i agree there is a certain type of person that fights, its called the aggressive but not always better person.
Replywell, a STARTLING number of totally deadly super-trained martial arts masters seem to be huge fans of cracked...
ReplyThis might be my favourite comment I've seen posted on an article.
Just pick one of the Seanbaby recommended self-defense books / vhs people.. haha... or train... remember when an MMA lightweight knocked an NFL linebacker? yeah... a trainned fighter has "problems to unleash fighting" pfff! that's like saying a trainned shooter has "problems to unleash shooting"! wtf?
ReplyThere's a HUGE difference between a trained "fighter" and a trained "martial artist."
I thought I would see this on here but maybe real martial artists don't read Cracked or comment or whatever, but it's insulting and ludicrous to say the following things.
Reply*People who actually practice martial arts can't really fight /because/ of their discipline (what the whatting what?)
*Missing a punch or attack=automatic loss (so just moving about until my opponent misses is a great fight strategy?) Body parts tend to move quickly when you are fighting or even sparring, who in the world is swinging and then pausing to gauge effect?
*Fighting with drunks is difficult, alcohol=super fighting powers! That's stupid, and it's stupid for reasons laid out in the article. Telegraphing is a real thing, telegraphing is a giga-mega-super-real thing when drunks are involved. A drunks balance is bad, his coordination is bad, and his telegraphing is even worse. If you automatically lose fights whenever the opponents pain and upper reasoning is dulled then I'd like to refresh you on the side-effects of adrenaline.
I really couldn't believe some of the things I was reading in this article.
f*****g thank you, from a real martial artist who wants to roundhouse kick this moron in the teeth.
many nmber of problems here palms and elbows you can try that but a reason they arent used all the time is really for range and movement which are almost necasry have you every tried acuartly using the elbow its pretty difficult when fighting a moving oppent but what the articles also leaves out is BLOCKING the other key for fighting so you dont have to be able to use a knock out punch if your enemies fingers fracture
ReplyI've gotten the boxer's fracture a few times. The last time during my black belt test. Broke the board BEHIND the other board and my hand at the same time.
ReplyThat being said, my father, having had no training in martial arts, was the best street fighter I've ever seen. It's all mental. You've got to not mind hurting someone else...
True
So...palms and elbows all the way, then?
ReplyNo, guns. Preferably someone elses.
"I know. I know you can fight.
ReplyBut it's our wits that make us men."
To all the cracked fanboys n girls who downvote any criticism of this article: be careful you don't break those delicate little fingers as you type! :D
Replyserious grudge you're nursing there sahib.
Every single point in this article is wrong. Who wrote this?
ReplyI think that most guys would be a heck of a lot less willing to try to "prove" their "manhood" by fighting if they knew that women aren't impressed by it. In fact, as far as I know, it's just the opposite - fights scare girls and they (most of them, anyway) would rather have nothing to do with a guy who likes to fight. Anyone who can discuss this intelligently is welcome to post replies or give me a thumbs up or down based on whether they agree or not, but I just can’t help but think that if dudes knew that fighting made it significantly less likely to get laid, a lot of them would probably give it up.
Reply Hide All See All 9 Repliesand you're a dude,, right?
because if you're a female, you know that's total f*****g bullshit. if a dude fights for a chick, that chick [most of them] goes into a state of panic because they need to get away, and watch on the outskirts, because afterwards, WE are the ones to take care of the males. it's, i think, and instinct to take care of the male after he gets in a fight. which attracts us, because most females WANT to nurture their man. period.
i have ALWAYS been more attracted to a male who fights, than a p***y who stands back and says 'i'm a PACIFIST, baby' without any sarcasm. especially if they get punched and then do jack s**t about it. because that means he'll be too p***y to stand up for ME [and our children if we have them] when/if the time comes, and i want none of that bullshit. no chick does. also, it shows dominance, and, hurrr, CHICKS LIKE DOMINANCE.
that is a load of f*****g bullshit and you know it. i'm interested to see if you come back to this or not. i hope you do. because you just spoke a load of bullshit. it's more important that it's instigated by someone else. which could mean throwing a punch, talking s**t to him, or, especially, throwing a punch/talking s**t to ME. if my man sits back and just verbally argues with the m**********r or does nothing at all, you can GUARANTEE i'll be ditching his ass the moment the other person goes away... y'know, after i have to stand up and fight him myself because my man is too big a p***y to stand up for me. if he won't stand up for himself, well, i'll tell him right then and there 'fuck this'.
so yeah, no.
also a state of panic because we [most likely] do not want to see HIM hurt either.
and i'm not the only one, there's a reason the VAST majourity of girls like a football playing, muscular dude: he'll fight for her. as for me, while i don't like the football playing kind of guy, my boyfriend was in martial arts for 13 years, he's muscular and not afraid to fight for me [or himself, or his family] and i know that. girls are attracted to that.
and because triple posts are awsm hurrr
a lot of chicks want a feminine guy now. you can figure out why in other articles. birth control and all that.
that said, most girls STILL want a guy who will stand up for her. YES we get mad if you get in a fight for no f*****g reason, but if you get in a fight to stand up for yourself/me, it means you don't take s**t lying down.
Jesus fuck...thank god I'm a lesbian
logicat - you sound like total trailer trash. Big difference between a guy who will fight in self defense, and a guy who will gladly escalate it past an argument to satisfy your angry soul. Fvck you and your karate kid bf
Aaaaaaand someone missed the part where I mentioned "intelligent discussion". Logicat, most of the points you made are so ridiculous that I'm not even going to bother to address them. There is, as Redjimmy pointed out, a fairly big difference between a guy who can defend himself (and the woman he's with) and who's willing to do so if need be, and a guy who LIKES to fight. If you read my post again, it was the latter type to which I was referring, and I spoke to that point explicitly when I stated that it was guys who feel the need to prove something that are the problems. It also sounds like you’re confusing dominance with aggression. Yes, women like dominant men; I don’t think anyone who knows how the world works would argue that point for very long. But there’s also a big difference between a guy who knows how to be assertive and stand up for himself and one who likes to punch people.
I feel like I need to issue an apology to everyone else who read my original comment, because I posted it with the intention of finding out what rational, normal folks who could be reasonable about this would think (I forgot this was the internet, sorry). Logicat – I hope, for your sake, that you can someday understand the difference between men who can fight to protect if they have to and boys who like to fight because they think it’s cool or because they think that “backing down” makes them look like a p***y (as you so eloquently put it). There are several degrees that exist between a total pacifist who’s too scared to defend himself and a meathead douchebag who likes to fight because he feels like he has something to prove. We have a name for the latter type – junior high school students.
I agree with Brad, not logicat. I think that men who fight are immature. There are better ways to solve your problems than hitting someone. Sure I want to take care of my man, but I certainly don't want him to do something stupid that makes him need me. I hope my man never gets into a fight over me. It would make me lose so much respect for him, and I never want that to happen.
I like to be dominated just as much as the next masochist chick out there, but f**k fighting. Fighting doesn't show that a man is tough, it shows that he's incapable of expressing himself in an intelligent manner. My man proves his manliness by throwing me down on the bed and having his way with me, not by getting in a stupid fight.
There's no reason to fight and I wouldn't want to be involved with someone who thinks there is.
People are simply going to irritate or insult others in all aspects of life at one time or another. But we live in what is typically referred to as Civilization, and this means we don’t throw down every time some obnoxious drunken douchebag is a big ol’ meanie. Let’s see, in the past 24 hours; the pizza guy screwed up my order, coworkers moved my s**t on my desk, a city vehicle cut me off on the interstate, someone took my parking space, my neighbor woke me up buzzing the buzzer because she forgot her keys and some dick insulted me on the phone because HE made a wrong number. If I decided to kick ass on all who I feel slighted me, I’d rightly be considered a raging sociopath, but I would sleep well at night knowing that logicat would find me super attractive.