6 Pieces of Office Equipment (For the Incredibly Paranoid)
With massive layoffs, corrupt CEOs and disgruntled employees, the office has become a dangerous place to work. At least, that's what your paranoid mind tells you. For those who envision office-wide knife fights or think the lunch room is the most likely Ground Zero in the upcoming robot-zombie apocalypse, rest assured certain entrepreneurs have stepped forward to fill this void.
Turn Your Briefcase Into a Working Machine Gun
We've all had that thought, Sure, nothing makes me feel safer during a quarterly sales meeting like a semi-automatic weapon, but Cathy down in HR is a being a total Nazi about it. Luckily, military weapons manufacturer Heckler and Koch puts the "concealed" in "Holy shit, you bring a concealed submachine gun to work?!" with the MP5 Briefcase accessory. And no, it's not just a carrying case -- the gun can be fired while it's still in the case.
"This is the last time you leave the coffee pot empty, Ted!"
Yes, the good people at H&K have taken their 90 years of experience in the field of weapon design to terrifying levels with this fusion of practicality and reckless endangerment.
They seem to have a lot lying around.
See how the MP5 not only fits into this stylish leather briefcase made for just that purpose, but also has a trigger embedded right there on the handle? You don't even need to change the way you're holding it, you can be strolling down the sidewalk, and with the twitch of a finger, suddenly be spraying hot lead indiscriminately in every direction. How fantastic/horrifying is that?
This guy is holding the briefcase all wrong.
Of course, knowing that your co-workers are armed with these means you'd better invest in ...
The Bulletproof Clipboard
We've all been there before. A hectic work environment, unreasonable goals and sadistic bosses are all getting in the way of recreational Web surfing and flirting with Kathleen from IT. But just when the day could not get any worse, Phil from accounting starts screaming something about the Angel of Death and opens fire on everyone in sight with his briefcase. And to think you were just five days from retirement. Getting too old for this shit, you are indeed.
"Dammit, Phil, I used your mug one time! Jenkins was the one who stuck all that gum under your desk."
It would be a good time to carry the bulletproof body armor clipboard. It's sold by ThinkGeek, but it's no joke. Watch:
Composed of level II body armor, this clipboard can stop multiple 9mm rounds and comes with a 25 year limited warranty.
At $44 a piece, you could afford to make a whole suit out of these babies.
After careful examination, there appears to be no major faults in the design of this clipboard, as long as your crazed spree killer aims directly at the 9 x 12 area, and not at the part where your fingers are. Unfortunately, boredom and human nature might be the biggest threat to the people purchasing this product as the desire to test it proves irresistible. While it might not be difficult to find someone willing to fire off a couple rounds at you while holding this clipboard, it might prove more difficult to find someone who could fire off some rounds at this clipboard accurately.
Ideally, your would-be assassin should be lying directly between your feet.
So you'd better also invest in ...
Business Class Body Armor
There are many drawbacks to wearing body armor at work. Because it typically looks like this ...
It matches very few dress skirts.
... it can be cumbersome and makes you look distrustful. If only it were possible to have the protection of class III ceramic body armor with the comfort and style of a classic three button blazer? Fashion designer Miguel Caballero developed a line of clothing to solve this problem.
The leather jacket is bulletproof. We assume those stylish bangles are smoke bombs.
These are not simply blazers made of Kevlar cloth. Using a technique designed and patented by Caballero himself, these designs use a polyester and nylon weave that can withstand gun fire and is also stab proof. The only drawback being it makes you look a tad bloated.
You get all the benefits of looking like someone with severe gas, plus you can repel small arms fire!
Caballero's designs fuse the perfect harmony of style and paranoia. Or, as he explains, "We make bullet proof fashion." Some of his clients include Presidents Alvaro Uribe of Colombia and Hugo Chavez of Venezuela, so rest assured, you'll be sharing pretty rarefied company with some of the most despised men in the world. However, if your management style inspires the kind of hatred and blood vengeance usually reserved for Third World dictators, perhaps you might want to reinstitute Casual Friday.
Rest assured, they got you covered even for that.
But why use these garments just for protection when there's potential for coworker bonding through pants-shitting fear? At Caballero's own office, the CEO is known to continually test his products by randomly shooting his employees with a .38 revolver. Consider that the next time you bitch about the break room vending machine eating your dollar.
Bullet-Proof Cubicle Walls
One thought going through the head of a paranoid office drone as the briefcase bullets begin flying through stale office air must be the protection offered by his cubicle walls. Sure, slate gray cubicle walls covered in Dilbert cartoons are very soothing, but can they stop bullets? Since they're basically fabric stretched over foam rubber, you'd probably be better off trying to trick the shooter into surrendering via your fake kung fu skills.
The good people at LC Armored Panels have fortunately fixed this gross oversight in cubicle panel design with their line of bullet-resistant cubicle walls. On the lower end, these panels offer protection against rounds fired from a .38 special and a .22. For those who are worried about a more well-equipped and talented attacker, the stronger panels can withstand rounds fired from a 12-gauge shotgun, an AK-47 or a .30 Carbine. In other words, if Michael Bay is filming a movie in your office, you might still survive.
While we admire LC's presentation method, this is clearly not Megan Fox.
While the product looks sound, the company's website is less encouraging. After a fairly technical rundown of their bulletproof wall products, the LC website lists what it calls, "Funny cubicle thoughts." This out-of-place, homespun collection of humor includes suggestions to cubicles like:
7) Private Secretary that actually performs all of the work that the cubicle dweller is supposed to do.
8) Special cubicle disco ball and music that turns on, whenever you think of something great.
9) Special cubicle clock that starts your shift 30 minutes late, and ends 30 minutes early (maybe 45).
How about a mug that informs that while a mental disability is not required, it sure does ease the strain!
Then LC goes on to complain how they don't have a very high search engine ranking and it's not fair they aren't more famous. We're doing what we can, LC.
Civilian GPS Tracking Device
Quick quiz: Assuming you do not work with a deranged gun enthusiast who just ended a bitter divorce, what is the most likely transgression you'll face at work today?
A) Martha from Accounts Receivable will steal your Passion Fruit Parfait yogurt from the break room fridge;
B) Your boss will decide who to downsize with a spirited game of Musical Chairs;
C) You will be stolen by the Japanese Mafia.
Fun fact: Japanese men in suits are utterly indistinguishable from Yakuza.
If you said "C," congrats, you have a very active imaginary life. And once again, the free market is there to provide solutions.
This personal GPS tracking service gives the owner the ability to have his or her location continually tracked by someone else at all times, via any Internet-capable device anywhere in the world. Or, if they're lonely, they have the unique existential ability to track themselves.
"Let's check in with me. Hmm, still on the toilet? Excellent."
Yes, this is the same homing device used by "federal, state and local law enforcement agencies" and once turned on, your location (or the location of the person you slipped the device to) will be broadcast over the Internet, presumably displayed with a map with a little red dot that moves down the street.
Just before the first Alien swarm hits.
The only problem we see is that a pager-sized device is almost impossible to hide on your person (or someone else's person). Once they or that Colombian drug lord finds it and sees "BlackStar Real Time GPS Tracker" clearly labeled, they might just get suspicious. Of course, you could cover the logo with a piece of masking tape, but you're paying about $1,000 a year for that label, so you ain't gonna cover that shit up. You wouldn't duck tape the Lamborghini logo on your car, would you?
"This will mask my real identity as a douche!"
Providing your kidnapper is incredibly lazy, unable to read or just doesn't really have his heart in this whole abduction thing, perhaps this device could provide some good. Maybe the authorities will use it to track you down at the mastermind's fortified compound or, more likely, find you dead in the trunk of your car where you accidentally trapped yourself while testing the device.
"I haven't tested its water resistance when I'm naked with a large rock tied to my feet."
And really, if it's surveillance we're talking about, you'd better go all the way ...
Hidden Cameras and Hidden Camera Detectors
Need to keep track of your personal space? Worried about microscopic particles in the air that probably have little to no effect on your overall health? If only paranoia and hypochondria could have a few drinks together and produce an unholy offspring to meet these dual needs. Oh wait, they did!
We're living in the paranoia renaissance, folks.
Want to know who's been stealing your paper clips? You could just walk over and grab another box from the supply closet, like a chump. Or you could shell out $700 like a boss and catch that bastard on camera. Using state of the art surveillance technology, this lovely motion-activated camera can forever put to rest the fears of someone rummaging through your cubicle or office.
Especially that one guy who just poses for hours over your three month performance review.
But now you have to fear that someone else may also have a hidden camera somewhere. Ah ha! But you have the hidden camera detector. This space age technology allows the owner to discover hidden cameras at work using lasers. How does it work? It works with lasers! What more do you need to know?
Wait, but what if their cameras are equipped with hidden camera detector detectors? So they can preemptively detect your detector and somehow cloak themselves? Someone must make a device to counteract such a thing. Come on, somebody! Build it before it's too late! Here's our money!
Benjamin Buso lives in Texas and is reasonably sure he is on several government watch lists after researching this article.
For more weapons that shouldn't exist, check out The 13 Most Irresponsible Self Defense Gadgets Money Can Buy. Or check out supplies we wish were real in 21 Office Supplies Too Awesome To Exist.