6 Bizarre Incidents that Prove God Hates Sports
Whether we like to admit it or not, a whole bunch of us only watch car races in hopes of seeing a spectacular crash. Likewise, we follow other sports like reality television, never happier than when some big star goes apeshit on national TV. In other words, many people only become sports fans when things go horribly wrong.
This article is for them.
The Baseball Game that was Called on Account of Bees
Ahh, bees. Mother Nature's way of telling us "I love you guys, but seriously -- screw you sideways for Chernobyl and plastic bags."
Bees are a big problem for backyard barbecues and honey thieves, but as far as we can tell, they've never substantially altered the course of a professional baseball game. That all changed on March 25, 2005. After five innings, the Colorado Rockies and the Arizona Diamondbacks were forced off the field by hundreds of angry bees.
Sergio Santos exhales bees onto the field, Green Mile style.
Darren Oliver, pitcher for the Rockies, was the first player targeted. The swarm apparently smelled his coconut hair gel and decided his head was the perfect place for a giant bee feast/orgy. The Diamondbacks tried to take the field in the sixth, but "by then the bees had spread over the entire field." The shortstop was chased into the far end of center field and, after a brief discussion, the humans elected to flee Tucson stadium.
Darren Oliver runs from a bee, screaming like a 12-year-old girl.
This sounds like the sinister prelude to a bloody worldwide invasion, but so far the bees have held back their awful wrath, and incredibly, no one in the crowd of 8,029 reported any stings. The Invasion of Tucson was simply a show of force from the Mother Hive. People of Arizona: You live or die at the pleasure of the All-Queen!
Zeus Hates Soccer
When someone mentions the "dangers of soccer," getting hit in the face with a ball, or possibly getting gouged with some cleats comes to mind. But it isn't a contact sport like football or rugby or sex-jousting, so there really isn't much to worry about. Unless, of course, you've pissed off Zeus, which at some point soccer apparently has.
What we're trying to say is that soccer games seem to be absolute magnets for lightning. Even when it's not storming.
They're making evil in there.
On May 3, 2009, a bolt of lightning struck a soccer field in southern Germany and wounded 26 teenagers. One even died on scene, but was later resuscitated and is now (presumably) some manner of supernatural crime-fighter. More recently, this April, a lightning bolt injured seven more young soccer players.
With sick, extreme fisheye-lens wrath.
The details vary in each strike. In Germany, the players reported no stormy weather or warning whatsoever. Meanwhile, at a soccer game in Michigan, 10 players were struck by lightning as they huddled underneath the same tree for cover. Which we're fairly certain is the exact opposite of what you're supposed to do in a lightning storm, second only to perhaps climbing said tree and waving a 9-iron in the air.
Lightning, preying on trees -- and everything else within 100 yards of it.
But both of these disasters pale in comparison to a 1998 soccer game between two Congolese teams. They were tied in a thrilling (well, as far as soccer goes) 1-1 game when a storm began to brew overhead. Suddenly, a bolt of lightning streaked out of the sky and hit the visiting team -- killing all 11 players instantly. The home team was left unharmed, leading to immediate suspicions of witchcraft.
We actually don't have a convincing argument to counter that claim.
Head-On Collision Ends a Doubles Match
Professional tennis seems like it gets a raw deal in America. You've got athletes serving up balls at more than 130 miles-per-hour directly at each other, yet it seems like we only give celebrity status to about one player per generation. We're honestly astounded that human beings exist with the reflexes and visual acuity to actually play this game. Which just makes it all that much more hilarious when something goes ridiculously wrong.
Nope, we're not above laughing at that.
This is precisely what happened during a Toronto doubles match involving the Aussie Mark Philippoussis and his partner, Croation pro Goran Ivanisevic, who already had a history of unlikely game-ending injuries. For example, Ivanisevic once broke multiple fingers after accidentally closing a door on his hand.
The trouble started when both men went after the same shot. Ivanisevic tried to head it over the net, while Philippoussis attempted to play it with his racquet.
Known in the sports world as an "oh shit" moment.
The Aussie and the Croat were so focused on making the play that they both missed it entirely. Philippoussis and Ivanisevic collided head-to-head in mid-air, Three Stooges-style. Ivanisevic ended up requiring stitches, while his partner staggered away with a concussion. The two never partnered again, which is probably better off for everyone who doesn't make a living as a comedy writer.
Not that we're complaining -- look at it!
Ivanisevic's battle with spatial awareness came to a head in 2003, when he was forced to withdraw from a tournament after stepping on a seashell at the beach and injuring his foot. For subsequent matches, we assume Ivanisevic was issued a football helmet, thick mittens and galoshes.
Games Plagued by Monkey Gangs and Murderous Pig Stampedes
We humans have gone all out in our continuing quest to eliminate every last hint of "wild" from the "wilderness." We've carved our forests back into neatly landscaped parks and killed or zooed any animal capable of threatening man's utter dominance. Even still, we haven't been able to hold back Mother Nature entirely. Things are even worse in the parts of the world that haven't managed to kill their jungle yet.
In India, wild animals have made such a habit of invading sports stadiums that the authorities have been forced to take brutal, unthinkable action. And by "take brutal, unthinkable action" we really mean "deploy squadrons of trained attack monkeys."
Just waiting to rip your entire face off and wear it as their own.
The city of New Delhi is often beset by animal invaders. Government offices, courts, hospitals -- even the police find themselves besieged by monkey "gangs" on a regular basis. And we aren't talking about some adorable wandering simian circus, good-naturedly flinging pooh and lampooning fat people. In 2007, one of these "gangs" hunted down and murdered the deputy mayor.
Pondering the city that they'll soon control.
The primate gangs, which we're calling "Mon-Queda," represented a major threat to India's 2010 Commonwealth Games. So New Delhi enlisted the help of 38 trained langur monkeys to stand guard over game venues. And it's a good thing they did; thanks to the SWAT monkeys, no contestants were brutally murdered by roving bands of wild animals.
A defected monkey uses his powers for good.
Which is more than we can say for Mistar, an Indonesian footballer. During a game in 1995, he was run down and trampled to death by a "stampede of pigs" that apparently had a grudge against his team. And possibly Indonesian football altogether.
Space Rock Strikes Cricket Match
Cricket is one of those weird sports that apparently enjoys a vast international fan base but has almost no visibility inside the United States. If the average American has any knowledge of cricket, it comes from Calvin & Hobbes cartoons and old Monty Python sketches. If America's national indifference to cricket is a little insulting, it's at least better than the aggressive dislike shown by outer space.
God plots his revenge on sports from his mighty moon throne.
In July, 2010, Sussex took on Middlesex in Uxbridge. Surprisingly, none of that was crazy British slang for sex. All it really means is that a whole lot of British people got together for a regional cricket championship. It happens all the time (we assume) and was shaping up to be a good, standard day of cricketing.
Until the sky fell.
An alleged meteorite -- estimated to be some 4.5 billion years old -- came soaring out from space and impacted the ground five yards from the field's boundary. The space rock, which Cracked experts believe to be either an alien declaration of war or an overly enthusiastic tribute to Robert Heinlein, broke in two on impact. One chunk flew up to hit a fan enjoying his beer.
Luckily, it was British beer, so he didn't feel it.
When asked about the incident, the fan said, "It came across at quite a speed -- if it had hit me full on it could have been very interesting." Which is proof that British sports fans are either the hardest fans on Earth, or the drunkest. We're going to go with "both."
Goalkeeper Crippled By Man's Best Friend
Chic Brodie signed on with Manchester City's First Division Football League in 1953, aged 16, which is like winning an NFL contract, minus all the money and drugs and sex. By 1970, Chic had everything in the world going for him. He'd made more than 200 appearances with the Brentford Bees and his name was perfect for the upcoming Disco Years.
Tell them "Chic" sent you.
And then an errant sheepdog ruined everything.
Apparently the British didn't fence off their playing fields or anything back then, because a normal, run-of-the-mill sheepdog had no trouble making his way onto the playing field during a match between the Bees and Colchester United. None of the refs or managers seemed to think the little dog was worth worrying about. He ran about happily until a flying ball caught his attention.
And just like that, soccer became fetch.
Both Brodie and the sheepdog were so focused on their separate games of "catch" that neither noticed the other until it was too late. Man and dog collided, and Chic ended up with a shattered kneecap that ended his professional career.
We like to think that the arm sling is from him punching the dog directly into space.
"The dog might have been small, but it just happened to be solid," quipped Brodie about his life-altering injury. No word on what happened to the dog, but we have to think he left the field that day being very good at dodging angry soccer kicks.
For more bizarre tales from sports, check out 6 Insane Sports Stories That Will Make You Believe In Curses and 7 Great Sports Moments (That Might Have Been Fixed).