In the third and final installment of Sam Raimi's Spider-Man trilogy, Peter Parker turns into a blend of Casper-era Christina Ricci and The Crow midway through the film, thanks to an alien symbiote that attaches itself to his suit and ups his aggression level.
"I've upped my aggression level, so up yours."
Crawling out of a meteorite, the symbiote is an extremely dangerous, sentient, tarlike goo that magnifies evil. This explains why when it merges with Peter Parker, a good-hearted boy who is only three boxes of Thin Mints away from being the best Girl Scout ever, it just turns him into your average Seattle hipster, but when it merges with Eddie Brock, a cheating, lying, jerk he starts taking hostages.
Fortunately, after his awkward crotch thrusts alienate both Mary Jane and Gwen Stacy in one night, Peter rejects the symbiote. After the symbiote attaches itself to Eddie Brock and creates Venom, aka The Most Disappointing Movie Version of a Villain Ever, Spidey saves the day. With the help of Harry Osborn, he destroys Venom, Sandman and the already deflated expectations of everyone who went to see this movie.
If you play the audio from the dance scene backward, you can actually hear Sam Raimi's leftover goodwill from Army of Darkness evaporate.
If not a satisfying an end to the franchise, it's at least a semi-happy ending.
But What About ...
The symbiote is still out there.
Some of it, anyway. We know for a fact that some of it wound up in Dr. Connors' laboratory, and the movie forgets to mention the huge detail of what eventually happened to that sample. But more important, while we saw some of it sneak out of the meteorite from the beginning of the film and hitch a ride with Peter Parker, who's to say that was all of the symbiote in there? The meteorite was probably chock-full of that stuff.
We could speculate what New York would look like if the symbiote got loose in the general population and turned everybody into Venom ... or we could just turn to the comics, where it actually happens at one point. It looks like this:
We hear Iron Man goes really well with pate.
That's a city full of superpowered, evil monsters eating some superheroes. Hmmm ... seems like you guys probably should have taken care of that before rebooting the franchise.
Nick Slawicz is a freelance writer. You can contact him at email@example.com. Joe Oliveto is a writer and executive editor for the humor site EvilChili.
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For more writing that doesn't jive with us, check out 8 Classic Movies That Got Away With Gaping Plot Holes and 5 Reasons The Terminator Franchise Makes No Goddamn Sense.
And stop by Linkstorm to discover what happened when the symbiote bonded with Swaim.
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