The Crippled Masters is about Lee Ho and Tang, two guys that are crippled by their evil master. Say what you will about Asian cinema, those guys get right to the point with their titles. If Inception was filmed in Hong Kong, it would be called Punch You in Your Dreams.
Lee Ho has his arms chopped off by his master's goons, which includes Tang at this point for some irony later on. But instead of writhing around in pain or maybe dying from blood loss, Lee Ho just kind of stands around and argues with Tang. Even after being thrown out the front gate, he gets up and staggers into town with his bloody stumps. The dude deals with tragedy really well, we guess is the point of all that.
Our interns, on the other hand, whine whenever they lose one measly finger.
Lee Ho, still freshly armless, sits down to eat (they're called priorities, gentlemen), when some other diners notice he's got no arms. Naturally, they call a bouncer to beat the crap out of Lee Ho before throwing him out. Shit, you think your neighborhood's bad? In Lee Ho's 'hood they kick your ass for daring to get your own arms chopped off. But eventually, Tang, the one who saw to Lee Ho's disarmament, has his legs burned to uselessness by the same master, apparently not catching on to the hostile work environment after being ordered to chop off his co-worker's arms.
He's then shoved off a cliff where he lands, by chance, right next to Lee Ho, who's a bit put out about the whole arm thing (still?) and proceeds to beat the tar out of Tang. Only the sudden appearance of an old man stops the fighting. He convinces them they can learn kung fu and get revenge on their master if they work together. Off camera, somebody screams "montage!" and that seems like a good idea, so they do that.
They train hard, become adept at fighting, and get right down to using their newly acquired skills to do everything but kill their master. They go back to the restaurant to get even with the host who had Lee Ho thrown out earlier, but somehow agree to pull a heist for the old man, who wants to steal a treasure known as the 8 Jade Horses, and so of course they- wait, what just happened movie? Did you stop paying attention yourself?
A little later someone completely unrelated (i.e. not the host who prompted them to steal the 8 Jade horses in the first place) explains that the horse statues are actually a puzzle revealing, conveniently enough, the art of crippled kung fu. By combining the pieces, they learn all about the secret and mysterious fighting style which basically boils down to "ass to ass." Mentally re-cast that scene in Requiem for a Dream with two crippled Chinese guys, and you've pretty much got it.
Or else one just becomes the other's half-man backpack.
The crippled masters are finally ready to get their revenge, and at last face their evil master. But wait: The only thing that allows the crippled masters to defeat their own evil master (who they hate, because he crippled them)... is the fact that their master crippled them.
...Holy shit, is this the Chinese Memento?
For more martial arts insanity, check out 5 Movie Martial Artists That Lost a Deathmatch to Dignity and The Most Batshit Insane Martial Arts Movie Ever.
Do you have an idea in mind that would make a great article? Then sign up for our writers workshop! Know way too much about a random topic? Create a topic page and you could be on the front page of Cracked.com tomorrow!
And stop by Linkstorm (Updated 08.12.10) to have your genitals roundhoused over and over again.
And don't forget to follow us on Facebook and Twitter to get sexy, sexy jokes sent straight to your news feed.