In the next scene, Bruce utters an apology to his wife Linda (Bruce Lee's real wife) for "play[ing] around just too much." A female character next to him excuses his behavior, saying "When a man's endowed like Bruce, the girls are bound to want him. He's got to have his fun, eh Bruce-e?"

Yup, that's an adultery joke at the expense of the recently deceased. We'd say that's a dick move, but maybe Linda Lee got some much needed closure from that onscreen apology for her dead husband's never confirmed, rumored adultery, from a guy who sort of looks like Bruce in a movie made by people exploiting his name for money. We think that's the fourth step in grieving, right?

Step five is naked tea parties.

The rest of this atrocity focuses on Bruce's time in the underworld, in which he outlaws gambling for some reason, and starts training everybody in the martial arts... including Popeye. Then he almost gets a blowjob from Emmanuelle, a softcore porn character from the 70s (sorry, Linda, looks like his previous apology wasn't even sincere!) For his last trick, Bruce beats up Dracula, James Bond, Clint Eastwood, the Exorcist and the Godfather. One threat to the King of the Underworld later and Bruce Lee's sent back to Earth. The Dragon lives again. Get it? The end.

Somehow Chinese Popeye makes the most sense in all of this.

Based on a manga (which, for those of you who don't know, is basically a comic book after it's been raped by severed limbs), The Story of Ricky follows Ricky Ho (also spelled Ricki Oh in some versions) as he's sent to prison for killing the man who drove his girlfriend to tragically commit suicide. The rest of the movie follows Ricky struggling against the corrupt wardens and gangs running the prison. Well, hell, it's just like The Shawshank Redemption! Nothing baffling about that.

Well, then stuff like this happens:

That's a dude getting his skull clapped off. The movie is a mind-boggling gorefest; the whole setup is really just a thin excuse for an endless array of gruesome horrors. Ordinary prisoners face ridiculous punishments for the smallest of infractions, such as a wood planer up the face and a cane in the eye.

What keeps this from straying into Saw territory is the fact that either the souls of the victims are being transferred to mannequins at the last moment due to some ancient curse, or they're just really bad at editing around their prop dummies. For instance, we see this guy falling face-first into a board of sharp nails...

Holy shit! This is going to be horrible!

Ah, never mind. It's a CPR dummy.

Meanwhile, the main character Ricky is more or less immune to pain, superhumanly strong and, for all intents and purposes, immortal. Using his super powers Ricky attempts to protect the innocent prisoners (what?) from the gangs, and there are feel-good moments when he goes out of his way to comfort them. You get the sense that if he could, he'd free them all. If he only had super strength, the kind you could use to break "through" things...

OK, steel doors and bars are one thing, but surely the prison walls are nigh impreg-

And it's not like he didn't know he could break through stone either. There's a whole training sequence flashback where he's smashing through dozens of tombstones with his uncle, in happier days. But the alternative script for a logical Story of Ricky was two pages long, one of which consisted of the words "Ricky goes to prison, then decides to leave." The other was just a graphically detailed crayon drawing of a smashed brain.

In that clip, Zen beats Thomas by using her autistic disability to imitate his disability, which is basically just twitching in a way beneficial to fighting. You know what they say: The only way to beat a cripple is to become a cripple. Oh wait, nobody says that, because that's fucking horrible, Chocolate.

There is literally no joke we can make about this scene that won't instantly damn us to hell.

So why is the movie called Chocolate? Because the main character likes chocolate. Oh, and probably because they didn't want a title that accurately reflected the fact that their film is about people with mental disabilities beating each other to a pulp. Any theater displaying that on the marquee is probably getting burned to the ground.

Hung is the mentally challenged one, by the way. Honestly, is this a whole genre over there? Does "handicapped" mean something different in Asia? Do roving gangs of mentally disabled just terrorize the streets in Hong Kong?

This film attempts quite a bit of dramatic bonding between the characters in between the kung fu, and we quickly learn that this is not a great genre for learning important lessons about the mentally challenged. One minute somebody's struggling with balancing life goals and supporting their handicapped brother, the next they're getting a back-kick to the groin.

For example, when we first meet Danny, he's goaded into ordering all kinds of food from an expensive restaurant for his friends, none of which he can pay for. He's embarrassed and wants to go home. This is a mentally challenged man who's been taken advantage of by people he thought he could trust. Tragic.

At least, it would be if the staff at the restaurant didn't respond by instantly kung fu-ing the ass of a clearly disabled man, complete with wacky sound effects--every punch to his stomach sounds like Moe beating up on Curly.

Danny eventually locks himself in the kitchen freezer at the restaurant and won't let anyone in. When he's finally brought out by Jackie Chan, he's cartoonishly frozen--but the surrounding characters treat it all very seriously.

It's all just so, so wrong. It's like they never sat down and had a meeting about whether they were making a slapstick kung fu comedy or a heartfelt Best Picture nominee. Serious predicaments are treated with comical beatings, and the cartoonish antics are treated like high drama. And the thing is, you don't feel right laughing during any of it, because at the end of the day you're watching a guy with a malfunctioning brain get kicked in the gut.