TAYLOR LAUTNER interrupts on his MOTORCYCLE.
Kristin, I love you. Pick me instead of Robert and I promise to always stay on the steroids I used to get this ripped.
Didn't we resolve this at the end of the last movie? I picked Robert, he proposed. End of conflict.
That was before Stephanie Meyer realized people would read 629 pages of that conflict being re-resolved. Let's make out.
BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD'S newest vampire, XAVIER SAMUEL, turns a lot of people into VAMPIRES, including JODELLE FERLAND.
Holy s**t, what's a decent vampire film doing being spliced into the rest of this emo s**t?
I like being a vampire, but I'm conflicted about it. That gives me depth, put me in a spin-off!
BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD
Soon, I shall have an army of vampires! Then we can finally kill Wesley Snipes! And afterward, Robert Pattinson's family!
You're in this? Aren't you normally brought into movie franchises just as they're starting to suck? Like Spider-Man, Terminator and M. Night Shyamalan's career?
BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD
I guess the director was hoping I'd have the opposite effect in a franchise that already sucks.
It's not working.
INT. ROBERT PATTINSON'S HOUSE
KRISTIN STEWART'S GRADUATING CLASS has a party in a DEN OF VAMPIRES. This does not proceed as awesomely as one would hope.
Hey Kristin! Like, ohmigod, what did you think of my graduation speech?
The one where you encouraged a room full of teenagers to go become total fuckups because nobody will hold them accountable for their mistakes while they're young? It was great.
Congratulations, Kristin. Now you can start thinking about colleges that don't matter since you're going to be a vampire soon. I majored in Basketweaving.
Kristin, you shouldn't become a vampire. Before I was a vampire, my life was perfect.
Wow, you actually get lines this time, huh? Don't blow it by overacting.
KRISTIN STEWART (CONT.)
Aww, too late.
100 years ago, I had a crush on this guy. One day he and his four friends got drunk, brutally raped me in the street and left me for dead. Then I got turned into a vampire and got my revenge.
You and I have wildly different definitions of perfection.
I still love you, Kristin, and I still have an eight-pack. I brought you a graduation present, it's a Three Wolf Moon T-shirt. It only comes in XXXXL though, sorry.
You guys, I just got one of my plot-convenient visions of the future. Xavier Samuel and Bryce Dallas Howard are coming here. They'll be here in four days!
Four days to get from Seattle to Forks? That's a three-hour drive.
They're coming for Kristin. We need all of the vampires and all of the wolves to risk being killed to save her. Never forget that the life of one human is worth a hundred werewolves and vampires.
Astonishingly, I agree. Taylor, tell your family to meet us in the woods so Jackson Rathbone can teach you how to be Scruffy the Vampire Slayer.
Wait guys, we're in serious danger of this movie becoming interesting. Is there any way that this fighting could happen off screen while Robert, Taylor and I pout about our feelings in the mountains?
I think thassa peachy-keen idea, Krist'n. Oh look, I suddenly have a Texan accent, y'all!
KRISTIN and ROBERT sit together in a TENT while UNDERWORLD 4 happens 1,000 feet below them.
Just a little while ago I told my dad I was a virgin. He was relieved, so I figured I'd immediately have sex with you, what do you think?
Sounds good. Wait, that doesn't involve vaginas, does it? I really hate those things.
Robert, I think I'm freezing to death. I can't believe none of us thought to stop by a sporting goods store on our way to the snow-covered mountains to pick up a decent mummy bag.
Mummies?! Where?! I knew Stephanie Meyer couldn't be done f*****g up monsters!
It's alright Kristin, I'll just climb in and keep you warm while Robert watches. Audience members may want to take notes for later use in their fanfiction.
Thanks, I feel better.
That's my, er, tribal, uh, wand. Gotta keep it in my front pants pocket. Werewolf stuff.
Suddenly, BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD shows up.
BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD
At last, I can kill some random girl that I'm obsessed with for some reason!
Nobody scowls at my future wife except me! Fight me, Bryce!
Future wife? You're marrying him? Despite that fact that you've rejected me for the entire movie, I didn't see this coming!
Is that a dog joke?
Listen, I do love you. I just love Robert more. And I love the idea of being a vampire the most.
This makes me so angry that I'm going to go fight to protect you!
He joins his PACK. ROBERT confronts BRYCE.
This needs to end, Bryce! The audience is having trouble continuing to accept that an entire family of vampires is helpless against one measly redheaded vampire chick.
BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD
I don't think so. They wouldn't bother recasting me just to have me in two scenes and then die!
Robert, we have to go make sure Taylor didn't get hurt, which he almost certainly did since Stephanie Meyer's magical typewriter can only produce cliches!
KRISTIN and ROBERT arrive at the BATTLE just as it's ending.
God, the last movie made 300 million dollars, how can the wolf effects still look this bad?
Because the movie is going to make the exact same amount of money regardless of how they look. We're lucky they aren't drawn with permanent marker on the film reel.
TAYLOR LAUTNER IN DOG FORM is suddenly attacked by ONE LAST VAMPIRE and injured.
Arrgggh I didn't see this coming, either!
The Volturi are coming. You need to get out of here, Dakota Fanning is more of a cat person.
TAYLOR'S FAMILY takes him home.
Seriously, where do their pants come from? Did they just keep a huge pile of pants behind a rock during the fight?
Looks like I'm too late. Just wanted to remind everyone that, even though Bryce is dead, this franchise still has something slightly resembling an antagonist.
So I guess you're the one we'll have to defeat in the fourth movie, then? As long as Denzel Washington isn't on guard detail, I think we can take you.
Oh, you didn't hear? The last book has been split into two movies, so there's two left.
MALES IN AUDIENCE
Check out more of Rod's scripts, in If 'The Happening' Was 10X Shorter and 100X More Honest and Terminator: Salvation (If They Left Out The Bullshit).
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