If 'New Moon' Was 10 Times Shorter and 100 Times More Honest
Last year around this time, Rod Hilton, creator of The-Editing-Room.com took an abridged look at Twilight. People seemed to enjoy it, so we made him go see the sequel. We hope that one day in the future, he can learn to forgive us.
FADE IN:
INT. ROBERT PATTINSON'S FAMILY'S HOUSE
KRISTEN STEWART is celebrating her BIRTHDAY with ROBERT PATTINSON'S FAMILY.
KRISTEN STEWART
Thanks for this incredibly creepy party everyone, but I'm really not in the mood to celebrate. Every year I spend in these movies makes it that much more difficult for me to get any other acting role.
ROBERT PATTINSON
But you're the founder of the "dull angst" method of acting! Stare blankly when sad, bite lip when happy!
KRISTEN STEWART
(stares blankly)
ASHLEY GREENE
Hey Kristen! Open my gift first! It's a bag of ecstasy, now you can be just as obnoxiously bubbly and wired as me!
KRISTEN opens the gift and cuts herself on the wrapping.
KRISTEN STEWART
Ouch. Zoom in cameraman, I got a papercut.
ROBERT PATTINSON
On wrapping paper? How is that even possible?
Suddenly, JACKSON RATHBONE pretends he's a SNAKE and makes SUPER COOL SNAKE NOISES. He lunges at KRISTEN.
ROBERT PATTINSON
Don't worry Kristen, I will protect you by hurling you against a wall and into a glass table!
KRISTEN STEWART
My hero!
(bleeds profusely)
JACKSON is sent to his room.
ROBERT PATTINSON
Kristen, my family is dangerous. I mean, a single drop of blood whipped them into a hilarious frenzy.
KRISTEN STEWART
I noticed. So do I just avoid coming over for a week every month or something?
ROBERT PATTINSON
What I'm trying to say is, I think we should break up. Please don't do anything stupid. And yes, Taylor Lautner counts as a stupid thing.
KRISTEN STEWART
No! I've been dumped by my high school boyfriend! The only natural reaction is to have violent night terrors, and detach from my friends completely!
INT. SCHOOL
After a while, KRISTEN STEWART starts talking to her friends again.
MICHAEL WELCH
I heard you sat and stared out your window for three solid months. That seems like a pretty clear sign of a mental imbalance, which I'm apparently attracted to. Want to go see a movie?
KRISTEN STEWART
Sure, lets go see Face-Punch. Apparently the trailer tag line is "Pow pow, punch faces."
MICHAEL WELCH
I know it's a joke movie, but that actually sounds a hell of a lot better than this steaming pile.
MICHAEL and KRISTEN go see a movie, but she invites TAYLOR LAUTNER as well.
TAYLOR LAUTNER
Hey Kristen. I got super ripped since the last movie. By the way I'm totally not a werewolf.
KRISTEN STEWART
You should make fun of the poor schmuck who invited me to this movie since he's not as ripped as you.
MICHAEL WELCH
You know what? I don't need this shit! I may not be Robert Pattinson, but I've still been in the Twilight movies! Michael Fucking Welch pulls trim, okay?
TAYLOR LAUTNER
Pattinson is never coming back, Kristen. You should get over him and go out with me.
KRISTEN STEWART
I dunno, I was really looking forward to another three-month spinning camera shot. Wanted to know what I'd see outside my window for "March". Not sure if I'm ready to date someone else.
TAYLOR LAUTNER
(points to abs)
KRISTEN STEWART
Good point. Would you be okay with me stringing you along and using you to fix some motorcycles I found so that I can get an adrenaline rush that reminds me of Robert Pattinson?
TAYLOR LAUTNER
Hmm. Maybe if I show you how loyal I am and offer you an endless supply of support without any kind of pressure you'll eventually come to rely on me and that reliance will slowly morph into romantic feelings!
KRISTEN STEWART
Maybe! That's worked for lots of guys, just ask any forum on the internet!
TAYLOR LAUTNER
Great. I will never, ever leave you.
(pause)
By the way, I am a werewolf after all. I can never see you again.
KRISTEN STEWART
Wow, so this movie series is going to ruin werewolves too?
TAYLOR LAUTNER
Yep. Werewolves are telepathic and like cliffdiving.
KRISTEN STEWART
I'm going to be really disappointed if the next movie doesn't have rapping Frankenstein monsters or chess-playing mummies or something.
KRISTEN hangs around the WEREWOLF FAMILY. No WEREWOLF SOCCER is forced upon the AUDIENCE.
KRISTEN STEWART
Is there any particular reason you guys never wear shirts? I mean besides generating revenue for panty manufacturers?
TAYLOR LAUTNER
We shred them when we turn into extremely poorly animated wolves.
KRISTEN STEWART
Oh. Then is there any particular reason you guys still wear pants?
TAYLOR LAUTNER
You ever see a dog's penis?
KRISTEN continues cockteasing TAYLOR and eventually the phone in her house rings. TAYLOR answers it.
TAYLOR LAUTNER
Hello? Do I have Prince Albert in a can? That joke doesn't even make sense anymore, how old are you? Asshole.
(hangs up)
KRISTEN STEWART
Why the hell are you answering other people's phones? Seriously, who does that?
Suddenly, ASHLEY GREENE bursts in the door.
ASHLEY GREENE
Kristen! That was Robert Pattinson who called, and since you were unable to answer the phone he naturally assumed you were dead! Now he's going to kill himself!
KRISTEN STEWART
Wow, what a complete rip-off of Romeo and Juliet!
ASHLEY GREENE
It is, but since earlier the movie acknowledged that play exists, it makes it an homage! Hey, it smells like wet dog in here.
TAYLOR LAUTNER
What the fuck, are all vampires raging dickholes?
ASHLEY GREENE
Kristen, Robert is going to walk naked into the sunlight in Volterra, Italy. If he does this, the Volturi will have to kill him!
KRISTEN STEWART
Because then the city would know that vampires are still around?
ASHLEY GREENE
No, because then they'll see him all glittery and know just how lame vampires are in Stephanie Meyer's universe. We have to stop him!
KRISTEN STEWART
This movie isn't going to try and pretend it's an action flick in the last 10 minutes like the last movie, is it?
It IS. KRISTEN and ASHLEY take a continental flight to ITALY to try and stop ROBERT.
EXT. TOWN SQUARE - VOLTERRA, ITALY
KRISTEN and ASHLEY arrive just as ROBERT takes his shirt off to step into the sunlight.
KRISTEN STEWART
Robert, no! Holy crap, is that what you look like without a shirt on? Aren't you supposed to be some kind of sex symbol? You look like a white Urkel.
ROBERT PATTINSON
Kristen, you're alive! I love you more than anything could love a loved thing! Please ignore the fact that I'm still glowering at you as I say this.
KRISTEN STEWART
Of course! Hear that, girls in the audience? When the boy you love dumps you, it means he loves you more than ever! Don't give up!
ROBERT PATTINSON
And if he thinks you are going to die, it will force him to express that love!
ROBERT, KRISTEN, and ASHLEY are apprehended by MICHAEL SHEEN, who is the KING VAMPIRE OR SOME BULLSHIT.
MICHAEL SHEEN
I'm going to kill you now, Robert. My wife loves these movies for some damn reason and if I have to sit through "Breaking Dawn" so help me ...
KRISTEN STEWART
Don't kill him! Kill me instead!
MICHAEL SHEEN
I think it was assumed that we'll be eating you after we kill him, but whatever. Let's use our super cool vampire powers to look into your future.
They look into the future and see KRISTEN and ROBERT prancing through a meadow in slow motion. The BOYFRIENDS in the AUDIENCE ruin their chances of getting laid by laughing uproariously.
MICHAEL SHEEN
Well that was fucking embarassing. Go on, get out of here. And please send in the huge group of American tourists whose disappearance somewhere in Italy surely won't garner the attention of every major news network.
KRISTEN, ROBERT, and ASHLEY go back to WASHINGTON.
EXT. WOODS
KRISTEN and ROBERT are walking through the woods when they encounter TAYLOR LAUTNER.
TAYLOR LAUTNER
You're back with the vampire? I thought you were falling in love with me!
KRISTEN STEWART
Guys, think about this a minute. Isn't the fact that I'm only attracted to dangerous monsters an indicator that I'm not actually attracted to who either of you are, but what you are? Clearly I just have some kind of serious mental issue.
TAYLOR LAUTNER
Yeah well, stay away from her Robert. Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
ROBERT PATTINSON
Right, because you turn into a cartoon dog.
KRISTEN STEWART
This is the classic "person likes popular kid but is loved by best friend" storyline used in virtually every high school movie ever made, huh?
TAYLOR LAUTNER
Yeah, except unlike every other movie that has used this cliche, you actually wind up with the popular kid and I stay a chump forever.
TAYLOR leaves.
KRISTEN STEWART
I asked your family to vote on if I'd be turned into a vampire and they voted yes. A vampire society is nothing if not a group that respects democracy.
ROBERT PATTINSON
Fine. I'll convert you after two more books on one condition: you marry me.
KRISTEN STEWART
Er, did a 109-year-old just ask a teenage girl to make a lifetime commitment? Classy.
GIRLS IN AUDIENCE
(swooning)
No wonder boys hate Twilight! Nobody can be as perfect as Edward!
BOYS IN AUDIENCE
Are you kidding? We love Twilight! It teaches the next generation of women that, the worse their men treat them, the more in love they should be.
GIRLS IN AUDIENCE
You're right! Want to buy me another movie ticket?
BOYS IN AUDIENCE
Buy your own goddamn ticket you stupid cunt.
WOMEN IN AUDIENCE
(swoon)
END
Check out Rod's abridged scripts of Twilight, Terminator: Salvation, Juno and Hancock.
Actually, they're not werewolves, but people who can only shapeshift into wolves, which is even lamer. And yes, you do have to read all the way into the last book to find that out. God help me.
ReplyI was forced to watch one of the movies a while ago, in school, and it was HELL, trust me, not every girl in the audience was swooning I was hiding in a corner with a book about zombies.
ReplyOh God.. that picture of Patterson's chest... I almost threw up in my mouth...
Replypatensins left tit is lower than his right one interesting (V)_(:...:)_(V)
Replylol and to think robert pattinson had a respectable role in harry potter and reduced himself to this
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesHe actually hates the series, he signed the contract for the movies because he was told it was the 'next Harry Potter'.
Respectable role? He says like three lines.
quality not quantity.
Cedric Diggory kicks Edward's pasty arse :D
ReplyI feel like I must show my boyfriend this..he has wanted me to watch these movies with him and I swear I just wanna strangle him every time he brings it up! I hate the movies. I hates the actors. I hate Steward's terrible acting skills. And I hate the entire superficial concepts of it what so ever..The only thing I am grateful for in the entire series is these parodies. Thank you, Twilight, for contributing for more laughs for me on Cracked. And thank you, The Editing Room, for making them!
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesWill yow marry me?
You're boyfriend likes Twilight? You should probably check him for a vagina.
Ummm...so, you're like, in a gay couple then? And you're talking about your partner who's the effeminate one? Because that's really the only way I could see that whole thing working out.
if you think twilight is so stupid, why did you take the time out of your life to watch the movie and then write an entire article about how stupid it is? I would think if you weren't a d-bag you would see something about twilight, think "wow I really don't like twilight" and then move on with your life. but you are oddly knowledgeable about this series for someone who hates it....
Reply Hide All See All 6 RepliesIt was not a "I hate Twilight, therefore I shall watch it and make fun of it" type thing. The guy that wrote this had to for his job. He was probably thinking more along these lines, "Man, I sure would like a paycheck."
um...excuse me...this is a PARODY. YOU, jaus, are taking this MUCH to SERIOUSLY. Please look up "PARODY" in the dictionary. This is a forum that is and has been for many years, based on PARODY. PARODY. The reason he is KNOWLEDGEABLE about it is because he WRITES PARODY. get a grip, dude.
You came to a comedy website and expected what, a straight on movie review? I heard from a guy who knows another guy who used to room with Robert Pattinson's uncles former roommates cousins son that he's in to heavy girls with no sense of humour- so keep it up, you're totally on your way to becoming Mrs. Pattinson.... Being an adult and scouring the internet for Twilight related articles isn't pathetic AT ALL!!
One must know one's enemies...
It's a satire comedy site.
They make fun of loads of stuff, maybe consider that people don't like the same s**t that you do? Might be best instead if complaining.
And you sound oddly like a big twilight fan speaking out on a page full of people who probably hate twilight. For some reason I don't believe what you're saying will have much effect.
Also, if you believe nobody ever goes to see something that's bad even when they know it's bad, especially when it's popular and/or they whole intent is to point out how bad it is through satire, then you may possibly be completely clueless. Especially considering the idea of making fun of popular works/culture is not new by any stretch of the imagination.
The good thing about Twilight is, the girls dumb enough to fall for all this male-Adonis-on-earth s**t now have unrealistically high standards for men and will therefore never contribute their stupidity to our gene pool.
ReplyGirls, if you want a decent, sweet, loyal guy, look in the friend zone where you left them. Not at Twilight. Spray-on abs are never a good sign.
I'm trying to tell if...maybe...are you one of those dudes with "nice guy syndrome", as I've heard it called? While I can't tell 100% for sure, the language, the insulting of women who have standards, especially for looks, the over complimentary nature of people in the "friend zone", the overall sort of raging tone directed towards people acting in a more or less normal fashion...
Actually, upon thinking about it I'm almost sure you have it. There's no way anyone could speak that highly of people in the 'friend zone' unless they themselves were there and angry about it. Plus, calling women names for having certain preferences reeks romantic frustration...so I'll go into my little shpiel.
You may call yourself a "decent, sweet, loyal guy", but chances are what others see is "passive, submission, not confident guy", because in general that's what those first adjectives translate into. Plus, often times dudes who claim they're 'nice guys' in reality aren't any nicer than those they call 'assholes'. The only difference is that the 'assholes' have enough self-assurance to attempt to get what they want, unlike the 'nice guys' who aren't confident enough to step up and assert themselves when they want something.
See, one can be assertive and confident without being selfish or rude, and/or nice, loyal, and sweet without being passive or lacking self-esteem, and being a 'nice guy' certainly isn't a bad thing, but being a 'nice guy' without being an assertive or confident guy won't get you far. Unfortunately the world doesn't seek people out. If just think of yourself as the 'nice guy' who will stand by and hope someone gives you attention then you'll lose out to the people who are confident and self assured every single time, whether they're assholes or not. There are tons of rich 'assholes' out there who are very successful both in life and with women, not because they're jerks, but because they're very self assured, and that's what's important. It's better to be self assured and not be a jerk, but in the eyes of the world it's way, way better to be self assured and not be such a nice guy, however unfortunate that may be.
So yeah, I'm obligated (maybe by law, but they'll kill me if I tell) to mention that every time I see a post of some (likely young) dude commenting on how women totally only like assholes and never like nice guys and women are terrible and cruel and etc., so there ya go. Maybe the fact that I'm trying to give you advice when I probably have no business doing so will drive you into a rage that will cause you to say "fuck being a nice guy! I'm gonna do what I want and take what I want whenever I want!"...and then you'll probably thank me. As long as you don't go overboard and get sent to jail. You'd probably get laid in jail though, just not by women.
Oh, and don't you think that if women had high standards and couldn't find anyone to match em' they would just, ya know, lower them? I mean, as unromantic as it sounds, in reality doesn't everyone have to alter their standards somewhat to lead a normal life? When you meet someone they're never going to perfectly match our original expectations. Hell, some times after meeting someone you realize that what they have is really what you were looking for all along and just didn't realize it. Of course sometimes people just have are settling. Either way the idea that someone would just say "Oh, I can't find anyone who lives 100% up to my expectations so I'm going to fore go everyone" is just naive. s**t, if the world worked the way you suggest most dudes would start leading a life of celibacy the moment they were introduced to wonder woman...
I swear I sound like an old man sometimes. I'll make a great crotchety old man one day...I'll tell those damn kids to get off my lawn and everything...
If bella was to look out her window in march she would totally see a dancin' lepruchan
Replyfunnier than the entire article xD
Taylor Lautner is way hotter than Robert Pattinson
Reply Hide All See All 3 Repliesjust throwing that out there
If you ignore the fact that he looks like he forgot to evolve and then ran face-first into a brick wall, the unnatural, tumorous muscles, and the general air of dick-headedness....yeah, I guess he is kinda hot.
GeeRBee you totally hit the nail on the head!
I can never forget the picture where his neck is stretched in a way that makes him look like a llama... So no, I can longer see him as a hot guy.
I remember wishing death on my English teacher who made me read the first book and watch the first two films.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesWhat English teacher would do that? Poorly written books (I'm gay, I HAD to read them), and poorly scripted/acted/shot films.
You're English teacher should be suspended.
Why would your English teacher do such a thing?! Twilight is NOT a classic like the Scarlet Letter or To Kill a Mockingbird, I mean we are probably going to forget all about the Twilight series in the next 5 years, until some Hollywood director makes a remake of all the films. You poor thing!
You're English teacher should be fired immediately for making you watch a steaming pile of crap.
(covers you in an army blanket) It'll be okay. I have a counselor who can help you through the psychotic urges to maim and kill people...
Robert Pattinson is so gross. What is wrong with girls these days?
ReplyHe's too pale and I imagine that if he shook me hand it'd be all clammy and gross. I wish he'd just stop making films, I'm sick of seeing him in the newspaper. He can't act, he just gets paid to stand around looking bored
He looks too skinny with fake abs. :P
These are super funny!
Replycunt. fuck. arse. cock. The great thing about Twilight is that that can be both me testing the bizare nature of your profanity filter *and* a truthful reaction to the whole Twilight phenomenon. Especially when you think how rich it's made folks. Like Pattinson. And Myers.
Replyhey man, where is your version of Breaking Dawn? go watch it already!
ReplyLol I loved the cartoon dog part. Man that guys body looks more fake than the guys' in 300.
ReplyThat last part made me relise how much of a good thing twilight actually is.
ReplyUgh... why did you have to show that picture of Hobo-Patterson with his shirt off? That picture always makes me feel a little sick... Pasty whitish-purple skin, spray on abs, and patchy hair like a diseased old-man...? *shudder*
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesI totally agree. How is that considered hot?
why *are* women attracted to internationally famous multi-millionaire Robert Patterson..? hmm... it's a mystery to me.
Women aren't, girls are.
Buy your own goddamn ticket you stupid cunt.
ReplyLOL