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Last year around this time, Rod Hilton, creator of The-Editing-Room.com took an abridged look at Twilight. People seemed to enjoy it, so we made him go see the sequel. We hope that one day in the future, he can learn to forgive us. FADE IN: INT. ROBERT PATTINSON'S FAMILY'S HOUSE KRISTEN STEWART is celebrating her BIRTHDAY with ROBERT PATTINSON'S FAMILY. KRISTEN STEWART Thanks for this incredibly creepy party everyone, but I'm really not in the mood to celebrate. Every year I spend in these movies makes it that much more difficult for me to get any other acting role. ROBERT PATTINSON But you're the founder of the "dull angst" method of acting! Stare blankly when sad, bite lip when happy! KRISTEN STEWART (stares blankly)
ASHLEY GREENE Hey Kristen! Open my gift first! It's a bag of ecstasy, now you can be just as obnoxiously bubbly and wired as me! KRISTEN opens the gift and cuts herself on the wrapping. KRISTEN STEWART Ouch. Zoom in cameraman, I got a papercut. ROBERT PATTINSON On wrapping paper? How is that even possible? Suddenly, JACKSON RATHBONE pretends he's a SNAKE and makes SUPER COOL SNAKE NOISES. He lunges at KRISTEN. ROBERT PATTINSON Don't worry Kristen, I will protect you by hurling you against a wall and into a glass table! KRISTEN STEWART My hero! (bleeds profusely)
JACKSON is sent to his room. ROBERT PATTINSON Kristen, my family is dangerous. I mean, a single drop of blood whipped them into a hilarious frenzy. KRISTEN STEWART I noticed. So do I just avoid coming over for a week every month or something? ROBERT PATTINSON What I'm trying to say is, I think we should break up. Please don't do anything stupid. And yes, Taylor Lautner counts as a stupid thing. KRISTEN STEWART No! I've been dumped by my high school boyfriend! The only natural reaction is to have violent night terrors, and detach from my friends completely! INT. SCHOOL After a while, KRISTEN STEWART starts talking to her friends again. MICHAEL WELCH I heard you sat and stared out your window for three solid months. That seems like a pretty clear sign of a mental imbalance, which I'm apparently attracted to. Want to go see a movie? KRISTEN STEWART Sure, lets go see Face-Punch. Apparently the trailer tag line is "Pow pow, punch faces." MICHAEL WELCH I know it's a joke movie, but that actually sounds a hell of a lot better than this steaming pile. MICHAEL and KRISTEN go see a movie, but she invites TAYLOR LAUTNER as well. TAYLOR LAUTNER Hey Kristen. I got super ripped since the last movie. By the way I'm totally not a werewolf.
KRISTEN STEWART You should make fun of the poor schmuck who invited me to this movie since he's not as ripped as you. MICHAEL WELCH You know what? I don't need this shit! I may not be Robert Pattinson, but I've still been in the Twilight movies! Michael Fucking Welch pulls trim, okay? TAYLOR LAUTNER Pattinson is never coming back, Kristen. You should get over him and go out with me. KRISTEN STEWART I dunno, I was really looking forward to another three-month spinning camera shot. Wanted to know what I'd see outside my window for "March". Not sure if I'm ready to date someone else. TAYLOR LAUTNER (points to abs) KRISTEN STEWART Good point. Would you be okay with me stringing you along and using you to fix some motorcycles I found so that I can get an adrenaline rush that reminds me of Robert Pattinson?
TAYLOR LAUTNER Hmm. Maybe if I show you how loyal I am and offer you an endless supply of support without any kind of pressure you'll eventually come to rely on me and that reliance will slowly morph into romantic feelings! KRISTEN STEWART Maybe! That's worked for lots of guys, just ask any forum on the internet! TAYLOR LAUTNER Great. I will never, ever leave you. (pause) By the way, I am a werewolf after all. I can never see you again. KRISTEN STEWART Wow, so this movie series is going to ruin werewolves too? TAYLOR LAUTNER Yep. Werewolves are telepathic and like cliffdiving. KRISTEN STEWART I'm going to be really disappointed if the next movie doesn't have rapping Frankenstein monsters or chess-playing mummies or something.
KRISTEN hangs around the WEREWOLF FAMILY. No WEREWOLF SOCCER is forced upon the AUDIENCE. KRISTEN STEWART Is there any particular reason you guys never wear shirts? I mean besides generating revenue for panty manufacturers? TAYLOR LAUTNER We shred them when we turn into extremely poorly animated wolves.
KRISTEN STEWART Oh. Then is there any particular reason you guys still wear pants? TAYLOR LAUTNER You ever see a dog's penis? KRISTEN continues cockteasing TAYLOR and eventually the phone in her house rings. TAYLOR answers it. TAYLOR LAUTNER Hello? Do I have Prince Albert in a can? That joke doesn't even make sense anymore, how old are you? Asshole. (hangs up) KRISTEN STEWART Why the hell are you answering other people's phones? Seriously, who does that? Suddenly, ASHLEY GREENE bursts in the door. ASHLEY GREENE Kristen! That was Robert Pattinson who called, and since you were unable to answer the phone he naturally assumed you were dead! Now he's going to kill himself! KRISTEN STEWART Wow, what a complete rip-off of Romeo and Juliet! ASHLEY GREENE It is, but since earlier the movie acknowledged that play exists, it makes it an homage! Hey, it smells like wet dog in here. TAYLOR LAUTNER What the fuck, are all vampires raging dickholes?
ASHLEY GREENE Kristen, Robert is going to walk naked into the sunlight in Volterra, Italy. If he does this, the Volturi will have to kill him! KRISTEN STEWART Because then the city would know that vampires are still around? ASHLEY GREENE No, because then they'll see him all glittery and know just how lame vampires are in Stephanie Meyer's universe. We have to stop him! KRISTEN STEWART This movie isn't going to try and pretend it's an action flick in the last 10 minutes like the last movie, is it? It IS. KRISTEN and ASHLEY take a continental flight to ITALY to try and stop ROBERT. EXT. TOWN SQUARE - VOLTERRA, ITALY KRISTEN and ASHLEY arrive just as ROBERT takes his shirt off to step into the sunlight. KRISTEN STEWART Robert, no! Holy crap, is that what you look like without a shirt on? Aren't you supposed to be some kind of sex symbol? You look like a white Urkel.
ROBERT PATTINSON Kristen, you're alive! I love you more than anything could love a loved thing! Please ignore the fact that I'm still glowering at you as I say this. KRISTEN STEWART Of course! Hear that, girls in the audience? When the boy you love dumps you, it means he loves you more than ever! Don't give up! ROBERT PATTINSON And if he thinks you are going to die, it will force him to express that love! ROBERT, KRISTEN, and ASHLEY are apprehended by MICHAEL SHEEN, who is the KING VAMPIRE OR SOME BULLSHIT. MICHAEL SHEEN I'm going to kill you now, Robert. My wife loves these movies for some damn reason and if I have to sit through "Breaking Dawn" so help me ... KRISTEN STEWART Don't kill him! Kill me instead! MICHAEL SHEEN I think it was assumed that we'll be eating you after we kill him, but whatever. Let's use our super cool vampire powers to look into your future. They look into the future and see KRISTEN and ROBERT prancing through a meadow in slow motion. The BOYFRIENDS in the AUDIENCE ruin their chances of getting laid by laughing uproariously.
MICHAEL SHEEN Well that was fucking embarassing. Go on, get out of here. And please send in the huge group of American tourists whose disappearance somewhere in Italy surely won't garner the attention of every major news network. KRISTEN, ROBERT, and ASHLEY go back to WASHINGTON. EXT. WOODS KRISTEN and ROBERT are walking through the woods when they encounter TAYLOR LAUTNER. TAYLOR LAUTNER You're back with the vampire? I thought you were falling in love with me! KRISTEN STEWART Guys, think about this a minute. Isn't the fact that I'm only attracted to dangerous monsters an indicator that I'm not actually attracted to who either of you are, but what you are? Clearly I just have some kind of serious mental issue. TAYLOR LAUTNER Yeah well, stay away from her Robert. Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry. ROBERT PATTINSON Right, because you turn into a cartoon dog. KRISTEN STEWART This is the classic "person likes popular kid but is loved by best friend" storyline used in virtually every high school movie ever made, huh? TAYLOR LAUTNER Yeah, except unlike every other movie that has used this cliche, you actually wind up with the popular kid and I stay a chump forever.
TAYLOR leaves. KRISTEN STEWART I asked your family to vote on if I'd be turned into a vampire and they voted yes. A vampire society is nothing if not a group that respects democracy. ROBERT PATTINSON Fine. I'll convert you after two more books on one condition: you marry me. KRISTEN STEWART Er, did a 109-year-old just ask a teenage girl to make a lifetime commitment? Classy. GIRLS IN AUDIENCE (swooning) No wonder boys hate Twilight! Nobody can be as perfect as Edward! BOYS IN AUDIENCE Are you kidding? We love Twilight! It teaches the next generation of women that, the worse their men treat them, the more in love they should be. GIRLS IN AUDIENCE You're right! Want to buy me another movie ticket? BOYS IN AUDIENCE Buy your own goddamn ticket you stupid cunt. WOMEN IN AUDIENCE (swoon) END Check out Rod's abridged scripts of Twilight, Terminator: Salvation, Juno and Hancock. |
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My (16 year old) sister said the movie theater audience she sat in booed when Pattinson took off his shirt. Perhaps there's hope for the next generation?
In the first set up pictures, the bluish one on the right, Bella's expression is totally a "dat ass" face.
Hahahaha!
Lol at Robert's painted on abs. They don't even try to make them realistic. Who in the hell believes that skinny b***h has an 8 pack?
I didn't notice until now. I was too busy trying to not look at them to look at them.
I was more disturbed by his left nipple. What's going on there?
sophie, that reminds me of a time we were watching Step Brothers and there was a certain scene involving a drum set. While everyone else was trying to not stare directly at the TV, someone was paying enough attention to yell "fake"
Anyone who's seen the movie should know what I mean
Just absolute and complete comedy gold on every level of excellence. I only barely sat through Twilight New Moon...AND that was with the help of the Rifftrax boys - and even then it was teeth grindingly awful!!!
Anyone else notice the vicious sunburns on the fangirls in the last pic?
yeah. sad
I thought Twilight had made paleness hot right now...? Oh no my bad, it's only hot if you can SPARKLE.
As much as at one horrible point in life I was slightly swooned by little eddie...*shudders* I still have a very soft spot for twilight bashing...its just really good entertainment. And just putting a point out to the crazy fan girls of Rob....ok, i can admit he *maybe* has......a body....but his nipples are really creepy...when he takes his shirt off in new moon....ew
Personally I wouldnt bang a boy who took me to new moon if he DIDNT laugh at that really awful fieldy, vampirey scene at the end....it was actually almost as hilarious as all of charlie swan's lines....
God love ya Hilton!
Makes me wonder... are any of the male characters' bodies really like that or computer animated later on ? It's very common nowadays anyway.
I love you Rod Hilton! I'm sorry they subjected you to this again!
Does anybody else find it sweetly ironic that all of the Edward-crazy teen girls out there immediately banged their boyfriends after seeing the film that simply had a Mormon fueled abstinence agenda?
I'm not convinced it was an agenda. Probably more like Meyer didn't want to get in trouble with her religion. Not sure it worked. Most Mormons I know want to disown her anyway.
Does Kristen Stewart ever look like she's not stoned or can't read?
Hahaha - I thought through the entire movie she looked slightly mentally disabled with a side of manic despression. Actually everyone did aside from Graham Green and the dude from Frost/Nixon!
wow, wow, wow, this happens all the time!
Then have you noticed another phenomenon? May-December romance is also very popular in Hollywood, guess that's why the tall dating is hot on__Tallconnect.com__ only that people there are more sincere and true love focused!!!
FUCK YOU!
funny stuff
yo i am a teenage girl to nd mi twin wanted to see this movie so i thought it was going to be good so i went to see it but then........wtf at the ending!!!!!! when he told her to marry him i got mad nd waz cursing mi azz off i waz like wtf i hate the ending and if the other movies become a bore to mi then they better cancel the twilight shyt..nd edward wtf u dnt look sexy with out a shirt never take ur shirt off again let jacob do thaT ND bella a total hipacrite like she a hoe trying to go with two boys to fill her empty needs like i bet she never got laid or something anyways yeah thiz shyt waz funnii..congrats to the person who wrote it!!^___^
Don't speak anymore.
agreed. Learn to spell.
I weep for the English language - I honestly do - nightly.
It`s people like you who give teenage girls a bad name. And Twilight fan girls.
Wait, wait, what? Of that entire run-on sentence...she's upset about them getting married?
this s**t is unintenionaly hilarious :D
your grammar made my dick fall off. granted, it wasn't big, but you finished the little guy off.
LMAO I was dragged to this movie (I'm a teenage girl, and yet Twilight sucks to me :P) and when the scene with them frolicing through the meadow came on, I couldn't help myself, I was laughing my ASS off. I'm sorry, it was so ridiculous, it was fucking hilarious!! XD
LoL! Thank you! Nice to know not every girl I've ran into thinks Twilight is some-kind of Biblical Prophecy or f**king guideline to a perfect world where everyone is emo, werewolves are basically pets, and vampires glitter like they've been bedazzled or some s**t.
greatest words ever spoken
I too was dragged to Twilight and New Moon (by my guy friend, no less... how f**ked is that?) I'll not be making the same mistake with the next one although I might drop in on the fourth one. It sounds like a train wreck of truly hilariously epic proportions. And I, too, giggled like a four-year-old when they started running through the meadow (sparkling with Tinker Bell sound-effects, no less).
Whoa! Girls who don't like Twilight? You mean there are more than just the....four or five of us around my neighborhood?
'This is the classic "person likes popular kid but is loved by best friend" storyline used in virtually every high school movie ever made, huh?'
LOL so funny
man i wish i didnt waste my time watching the actually film
also whats the deal with his left nipple in the topless scene???? its huge and in the wrong place
it looks as if it has grown so large it has developed thinking abilities and is slowly crawling off this body
Damn you! You made me go back up and look at it.
But it does. It's part of that Hollywood body-part conspiracy that involved Shatner's hair and Superman's...that one curly, gravity-defying bang-thing.
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Oh LOL. Sorry, but I just have to agree with @emcaro. Totally.
I was dragged to this film and I must say that this article has hit every thought process that crossed my mind during it. I laughed so hard during the scene where Jake just had to pull his shirt off and show that body. I am glad i wasn't around an audience full of preteen girls clamoring for skin production because I would have lost my shit even more.
Wow that pretty fucking hilarious stuff.
hahahaha the ending had me crying i was laughing so hard! can't wait for your renditions of however many of these terrible movies are left
My thoughts [relatively] exactly.