Hey, Lil Wayne. How's prison? Good, I hope! I'm sure you're busy choosing sides in various race wars and constructing shanks out of bed springs and stuff, so I'll make this quick.
A little less than one year ago, I wrote an article for Cracked called The 15 Most Baffling Boasts in the History of Rap. You've read it, right?
Cool. Now let's talk about the first entry in that article. The one where I mention that, on the song "Bring It Back," you said this...
"I'm the Cash Money Makaveli, y'all ain't ready, break fast like Tom Petty, y'all just petty."
At the time, I was baffled (as indicated by the title of the article) because, really, is there anything fast about Tom Petty? I mean, "American Girl" was kind of an up-tempo number, but I doubt it's clocking in at speed metal BPMs or anything. Other than that, Tom Petty really strikes me as the absolute antithesis of "fast." Seriously, he's a mellow dude.
But at the time, I chalked it up to a simple misunderstanding. You clearly just had your Pettys (Petties?) mixed up. You said Tom Petty, but you probably meant Richard Petty or Kyle Petty who both happen to be famous NASCAR drivers. See, "break fast like Kyle Petty" makes perfect sense, Lil Wayne. So perfect.
But now, I think your lyrical faux pas was the result of something else. Lil Wayne, I'm just going to say it: I think you just don't give a shit. Harsh, I know, especially coming from a card carrying member of the Internet comedy elite like myself. But, if that's not the case, then how do you explain this?
"Paper come fast Tom Petty in this muhfucka"
You know who said that? You did, on a song called "Loyalty." And that's twice now that you've mistaken mild-mannered classic rock icon Tom Petty for some kind of maven in the field of high velocity adventure. For the record, that's the first time I've ever used the word "maven" in an article. You know how I knew it fit? Because I Googled it, Lil Wayne. Would it kill you to put a little Google time into your lyrics before you commit them to tape?
Pictured: What happens when you search for "maven" on Google Images.
For years, critics and fans alike have been hearing you say things like "fly go hard like geese erection" (from "Dr. Carter") and they've always assumed you were just saying some next level shit that we would totally understand if only we were as awesome or high as you. But this Tom Petty fiasco brings all of that into question. Maybe the music world has convinced itself that your rhymes are genius because we can't stand to face the possibility that you're just rapping whatever pops into your head.
After all, you are the man who said this once...
"Threw the pencil and leak the sheet of the tablet in my mind, Cuz I don't write shit cuz I ain't got time."
The first half of that literally makes no sense. The second half I always assumed meant you just don't write your rhymes down like Jay-Z or Biggie. But maybe it's worse than that. Maybe you're outsourcing that shit on oDesk.com or something. Are you outsourcing your rhymes, Lil Wayne? Because outsourcing hurts America. And when you hurt America, you know who else you hurt? Americans, like me... and you. Stop hurting America with your lazy rhymes.
OK, wait, I just found something.
Wow, am I the one who's fucking up here? Because that lyrics site clearly indicates that in the song "Loyalty" you say "Tom Patey" and not "Tom Petty." OK, this could all be one big misunderstanding on my part. Give me one second here.
OK, Tom Patey is a mountain climber Lil Wayne. He's a mountain climber who died in 1970. Just what kind of shenanigans are you trying to pull? Did you have someone change the words in that lyrics database just to throw me off the scent? Or maybe, the problem is bigger than I think? Lil Wayne, do you think Tom Patey is fast too? Because I assure you, his trek to the top of Everest was almost assuredly a slow one. Nobody just fucking sprints to the top of Everest. It probably wouldn't be littered with the carcasses of several dead mountain climbers if people did that, because, like, they'd just run back down when they realized they were getting all dead and stuff.
Or, maybe I'm just hoping it was "Patey" because I don't want to touch on a third possibility:
Lil Wayne, is it possible that you just can't tell white people apart?
My crippling white man's guilt won't allow me to be outraged at that thought, but I'd be remiss if I didn't at least bring it up. Imagine the shitstorm that would follow if, say, Toby Keith repeatedly name-dropped you in his songs but every time he did it he also mentioned all of the touchdown passes you've caught from Peyton Manning.
The ACLU would get involved, Al Sharpton would be calling for Toby Keith's dismissal from the Grand Ole Opry and things would eventually reach a racial boiling point that could only be quelled by you, Toby Keith, Indianapolis Colts wide receiver Reggie Wayne and Barack Obama all sitting down for a beer. Do you want to have a fucking beer with Tom Petty and the President? Because I sure do, but under your circumstances it might be kind of awkward and unenjoyable.
So please, Lil Wayne, I'm begging you. Stop using Tom Petty's name incorrectly. The delicate balance of racial harmony in this country may be depending on it.
We're so inundated with Trump news that we shrug off scandals that would tank any other president.