For years, critics and fans alike have been hearing you say things like "fly go hard like geese erection" (from "Dr. Carter") and they've always assumed you were just saying some next level shit that we would totally understand if only we were as awesome or high as you. But this Tom Petty fiasco brings all of that into question. Maybe the music world has convinced itself that your rhymes are genius because we can't stand to face the possibility that you're just rapping whatever pops into your head.
After all, you are the man who said this once...
"Threw the pencil and leak the sheet of the tablet in my mind, Cuz I don't write shit cuz I ain't got time."
The first half of that literally makes no sense. The second half I always assumed meant you just don't write your rhymes down like Jay-Z or Biggie. But maybe it's worse than that. Maybe you're outsourcing that shit on oDesk.com or something. Are you outsourcing your rhymes, Lil Wayne? Because outsourcing hurts America. And when you hurt America, you know who else you hurt? Americans, like me... and you. Stop hurting America with your lazy rhymes.
OK, wait, I just found something.
Wow, am I the one who's fucking up here? Because that lyrics site clearly indicates that in the song "Loyalty" you say "Tom Patey" and not "Tom Petty." OK, this could all be one big misunderstanding on my part. Give me one second here.
OK, Tom Patey is a mountain climber Lil Wayne. He's a mountain climber who died in 1970. Just what kind of shenanigans are you trying to pull? Did you have someone change the words in that lyrics database just to throw me off the scent? Or maybe, the problem is bigger than I think? Lil Wayne, do you think Tom Patey is fast too? Because I assure you, his trek to the top of Everest was almost assuredly a slow one. Nobody just fucking sprints to the top of Everest. It probably wouldn't be littered with the carcasses of several dead mountain climbers if people did that, because, like, they'd just run back down when they realized they were getting all dead and stuff.
Or, maybe I'm just hoping it was "Patey" because I don't want to touch on a third possibility:
Lil Wayne, is it possible that you just can't tell white people apart?
My crippling white man's guilt won't allow me to be outraged at that thought, but I'd be remiss if I didn't at least bring it up. Imagine the shitstorm that would follow if, say, Toby Keith repeatedly name-dropped you in his songs but every time he did it he also mentioned all of the touchdown passes you've caught from Peyton Manning.
The ACLU would get involved, Al Sharpton would be calling for Toby Keith's dismissal from the Grand Ole Opry and things would eventually reach a racial boiling point that could only be quelled by you, Toby Keith, Indianapolis Colts wide receiver Reggie Wayne and Barack Obama all sitting down for a beer. Do you want to have a fucking beer with Tom Petty and the President? Because I sure do, but under your circumstances it might be kind of awkward and unenjoyable.
So please, Lil Wayne, I'm begging you. Stop using Tom Petty's name incorrectly. The delicate balance of racial harmony in this country may be depending on it.
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