So if you're in a position where you can name something--and we're talking about something important here, not a screenplay or a child--then why not name it after that special someone. Like if you're a poet and you're in love with a girl named Diane, you could call your newest poem "Diane." Or if you're a weapons scientist who once dated a girl named Claire who walked out on you and took a bunch of your DVDs, and have designed a new type of flechette that can rip flesh to shreds which will soon be outlawed by the U.N. Well then guess what? You just invented "Claires." Also, a doctor researching infectious diseases and bitterly missing his Bourne Trilogy boxed set would be ethically obligated to name something: "Claire Malikson's Loose Stool Syndrome."
Become Closer With Their Family.
Less a romantic gesture, and more of a sign of commitment, becoming closer with your sweetheart's family and parents is a sure way to signal that you're ready to take this relationship to the next level. But what if the next level of your relationship is the basement, and it's been the basement for the past eight months, because apparently "you're just in different places right now"? What does that even mean? And should you be staying away from her family while you figure it out?
Absolutely not. In fact, the closer you can get, the better--you should be aiming to become as close as possible with her mother. The payoff for this will be unbelievably huge. Not only would you be just wrecking Thanksgiving, if this is executed to perfection, the potential of becoming a step-parent to your old ex opens up. This creates a variety of new avenues for ex-aggravation, including control over bedtimes, approval of whom they date and most importantly of all, estate planning.
Obviously this one is amazingly difficult to pull off, which is why we mentioned it last. To even have a hope you'd have to have studied the asshole arts for your entire life. Like if you grew up in a really treacherous monastery or something.
And if none of that works, you can always send a scary sex toy. You can research them with The 25 Most Disturbing Sex Toys and 18 More of the World's Most Disturbing Sex Toys.