6 'Facts' About Historic Figures (Their Enemies Made Up)

6

Napoleon Was Really, Really Short

Quick, let's do word association. When we say "Napoleon" you say the first word that comes to mind.

About 20 percent of you just said, "French!" and the other 80 percent said, "short!"

Yes, in a world where our hazy history education won't let most of us quote even five facts about the guy, what we all know is that he was a tiny, tiny little man.

Now, it's true Bonaparte didn't tower over anyone. For instance, he was shorter than the Imperial Guards he was often seen with (who had a height requirement, since like all such guards through history part of their job was to look intimidating).

But most agree that Bonaparte was almost 5' 7", which was in fact just above average for the early 19th century (and wouldn't exactly make him a freak even now).

The French, however, used a slightly different system that listed the emperor at 5'2". And that appears to be the source of the whole "Napoleon as midget" image. When word got back to England that the terror of France was only a tick taller than five baguettes, the British propaganda machine had a field day. After all, it's much easier to win a battle when you imagine the other guy's Marty McFly and you're Biff Tannen.

"Voulez-vous make like a tree and get outta here?"

As we'll see often on this list, if you repeat a lie often enough, it eventually becomes truth. Fast forward 200 years and a man who at worst was a few inches shorter than average, and at best was exactly as tall any random dude at the time, is portrayed as a laughable cartoonish freak of a man.

The lesson? If you're going to be a world leader, surround yourself with shorter people.

5

J. Edgar Hoover was a Transvestite

John Edgar Hoover directed the FBI from 1924 to 1972, and based on anything you read about him today, he spent that entire time wearing frilly ladies' undergarments. At this point it's almost as common as the "Napoleon was midget" thing.

Why? Well, as the head of the nation's largest crime-fighting bureaucracy, Hoover spent his days single, secret-filled and surrounded by lawmen. Hoover's acquaintanceship with agents was beyond professional--he dined with feds, went out to nightclubs with feds and even holidayed with feds. And a the time these were all dudes.

This led to gossip that Hoover was gay, which is a possibility historians have yet to reach consensus on. Hoover's raging homophobia didn't help his case (he attempted to out Eleanor Roosevelt and presidential candidate Adlai Stevenson) and made him some enemies, most notably openly-gay Southern playwright Truman Capote.

It was in the early 60s when Susan Rosenstiel, an ex-wife of an alleged mobster, claimed she had seen Hoover at gay orgies, bewigged and bedazzling. No one took Rosenstiel seriously, the least of all Capote. In fact, he found her story so fucking hilarious he told everyone within earshot.

4

Catherine the Great Fucked a Horse

Go to Google and type in "Catherine the Great" and one of the top recommended searches is "Catherine the Great + Horse." So... was there a horse named Catherine the Great? Was her horse famous for some reason?

No, the reason is that these days half the people who know who Catherine the Great is, know her as "that lady who died fucking a horse." It's the kind of thing that kind of overshadows all your other accomplishments.

In Catherine's case those other accomplishments include being the sole ruler of Russia from 1762 to 1796. Under her rule, Russia expanded its territory and modernized in step with the rest of Europe. But her reign infuriated the other nations, as A) Russia was widely considered the backwoods retard of the continent; and B) she had a vagina. And boy, did those grumpy old monarchs hate her vagina.

3

Ms. O'Leary's Cow Burned Down Chicago

Every school kid knows this story. It's one of those bizarre, seemingly inconsequential accidents that leads to disaster.

On October 8, 1871, the Great Chicago Fire turned huge swaths of the city into charcoal briquettes, killing about 300 people in the process. And the whole thing began when Ms. O'Leary's cow kicked over a lantern, setting the barn ablaze and lighting the fuse on what was apparently the world's most flammable city.

2

Clara Bow Fucked a Dog

In the Roaring 20s, actress Clara Bow was the sex icon for the flapper generation. She danced, partied and canoodled with actors such as John Wayne and Bela Lugosi. You know someone's big time when she's diddling both the Duke and Dracula.

1

Hitler, the One-Nut Dictator

In 1939, Adolf Hitler became the ultimate spokesman of evil (as opposed to his current position as spokesman of The History Channel). And while we hate to be in the awkward position of defending Hitler, you have to admit the ever-present rumor that the man only had one testicle was a low blow.

The rumor came from a song penned in 1939. To deflate the cult of der Fuhrer and boost Allied morale, the British Council's PR man, Toby O'Brien, came up with the catchy little ditty titled "Hitler Has Only Got One Ball." The most well-known version of the tune goes like this: