The 8 Shittiest Transformer Disguises
Transformers have been toys, cartoons and fodder for Michael Bay's CGI money cannon, but the basic premise remained: These were robots in disguise.
Sadly, some Transformers didn't live up to their potential. They never forgot to be alien space robots. That part always came pretty naturally. But when deciding what to transform into, some went with disguises that were about as inconspicuous as, well, an alien space robot.
When choosing a vehicle to avoid attention, "alien spaceship" ranks somewhere below "mobile fireworks factory" and "giant mobile fireworks factory that's on fire and being driven by a bear in a tuxedo." Tell people you saw a giant robot and they'll think you're crazy. Tell them you saw a UFO and they'll still think you're crazy, but point you towards the huge network of radio talk show conspiracy nuts dedicated to believing your story.
They occasionally tried to justify Cosmos by having him do a space mission. This was only slightly undermined by the fact that both sides had spaceships and in fact, depending on who was writing that day, every single Transformer could just stand up and fly into fucking space anyway.
Where He Would be Disguised:
Look at him. He'd not only have to wait until spaceships are invented, but until cheap budget-model economy spaceships are developed, and then pose as a novelty toy of one of those.
Nightscream appeared in the Beast Wars series--where all the Transformers returned to Cybertron to fight each other, while transforming into animals from Earth. He turns into a bat that was apparently designed by a person who has never seen a bat before. We almost wonder if anyone looked over the designer's shoulder, concerned and a tiny bit confused.
Executive: And you're sure you've seen a bat before?
Designer: Yeah, man, I got this. They're sort of like rabbits, but with gorilla arms, right?
Executive: It's just that I'd feel a lot more comfortable if you'd at least look at this picture of a ba-
Designer: Guy, I am on this, OK? I know what bats look like. Long fingers. Giant orange backpack. This is a homerun for me, now get outta my office.
Executive: Uh... OK.
Where He Would Be Disguised:
Nightscream would feel right at home in whatever zoo his designer attended in his nightmares as a child. Absolutely nowhere else though.
Metroplex turned into an entire city, which made him slightly harder to hide than the law of gravity. While it's conceivable that a brand new, unrecorded metropolis could escape notice if everyone on Earth was retarded--and if there's one thing the plots of 80s cartoons told us, it's that they were--once you get within the borders the illusion breaks down. Maybe you'll notice that every building is a solid, primary-colored block with no features, or maybe the total lack of inhabitants will be the clue that tips you off.
Of course, this assumes that he's not a real city where people go to work and live. If he is, that brings up a much more troubling question ...
What happens to the people who are still in the city when he transforms?!
Where He Would Be Disguised:
We're going to assume he was a fake city, based on the fact that he still has some cars stuck to his shin guards up there. In that case, his only real option is background work on the set of a Hollywood film. Just as long as it's not being directed by Michael Bay, whose not very fond of cities that aren't on fire.
Omega Supreme transformed into a giant rocket, linked to 100-meter rail track that went nowhere, on which was stationed a tank the size of a city block. The Autobots realized he was difficult to hide, and when the guys who dress up as giant, idiotic microscope robots recognize how conspicuous you are, you might have a pretty profound problem.
They stuck Omega in the middle of a wilderness where no one could ever see him, and where his ability to disguise himself would surely come in handy. They also tended to forget that he was the size of every Decepticon in the universe put together, and could have ended the war in one metal-mashing minute had anyone ever bothered to roll out and ask him to.
Perceptor! Come with us to fight Megatron! Omega! Go hide in a field! Autobots! Transform and roll out like retards!
Where He Would Be Disguised:
Wherever the other giant-rockets-and-tracks are kept on Earth. What's that? There aren't needlessly long miles of race track attached to an enormous rocket? Well, then he's just retarded everywhere, isn't he?
Rippersnapper turned into a shark, and if that didn't make him the Decepticon Definition of Bad Ass Metal Teethy Death, the creators decided to bless him with arms and legs, which theoretically would make him unstoppable. Until, of course, a designer looked at him and said "No no no, I don't want him to have cool arms. Give him some gay, little T-Rex baby arms. Yeah. Fuck this robot."
Rippersnapper would have been formidable enough as a robotic shark, but by giving him arms and legs, he was doomed to wander the land. And by making those arms and legs unapologetically shitty, he was doomed to do so looking like a total idiot.
Where he Would be Disguised:In some kind of freak show petting zoo with three-eyed fish, one-legged frogs and any other abominations designed by a thoughtless creator.
Nosecone could transform into a Cybertronian drill-tank. You may notice that "cybertronian" and "drill-tank" aren't Earth words, in which case well done, you're twice as good at disguise as Nosecone was.
He had a tendency to "hide" by simply drilling underground, which you'll notice isn't technically camouflage, thereby altering famous Transformers "Robots In Disguise!" tagline to the simpler and lamer "Robots Somewhere Else!"
Where he Would be Disguised:
He could maybe paint the number "4" on his side and hide in a Thunderbirds episode.
All the Dinobots qualify for this one: They're "disguised" as extinct species except able to talk, painted red and yellow, and just in case you're a colorblind deaf-mute who doesn't understand which direction time goes, they're made of metal. In fact, these are the only Transformers who couldn't even fit in back on their home planet of Cybertron, since it never had animals - so they're not just badly-disguised, they're actually anti-disguised even on a world where giant robots are normal.
"Beep Boop, Squawk, dinosaur noises, nothing to see here."
Swoop is the worst: at least the others get some advantages from their complicated genesis (a marketing executive thinking "What else do nine-year-old boys like?"). In a war that always degenerates into fist fights, despite everyone owning or in fact being energy weapons, T-Rex, Stegosaur and Triceratops are the top things on the "Useful things to be" list. Turning into a clumsy and medically retarded animal when the enemy consists almost entirely of F-15s? That makes his transformation a total triple-changer of suck: he can't fit in on Earth, or at home, and gets deservedly beaten on both.
Where he Would be Disguised:
Swoop's best bet at disguise is to fly up and smash all the lights so no-one can see him. Oh, and everybody is inside. And sedated.
Sky Lynx: plastic-molded proof that while it's OK for Renaissance artists to use drugs for inspiration, toymakers should steer clear. He looks like a Space Shuttle that got pissed on absinthe and stumbled into a Mythical Greek orgy, on top of a nuclear reactor. His only possible camouflage option is passersby refusing to believe what they just saw.
You might ask "How can something turn into a space shuttle, an animal beast and a bird?" The only answer (apart from the counter-question "Why would you want to be a goddamn bird when you're already a space shuttle?") is to say "Space Shuttle, no problem, and a mumblemumble, got it." To say that Sky Lynx's other modes look like anything at all would be a horribly generous overstatement. In fact, Sky Lynx doesn't even have a robot mode, meaning he's the only Transformer EVER to fuck up both parts of "Robots in Disguise."
Robots in Sky Lynx!
Where he Could be Disguised:
If you ever find somewhere Sky Lynx would be adequately disguised, tell Lovecraft we said hello and please don't try to come back.
Before you go see Transformers 2, make sure you check out the original script Brockway got ahold of (Transformers 2: Michael Bay's Rejected Script) or find out why Megatron is the worst boss ever, in 5 Reasons Megatron Should Have Fired Starscream Years Ago.
And visit Cracked.com's Top Picks to see what we transform into when fighting the Decepticons (it's a dong).