5 Reasons Megatron Should Have Fired Starscream Years Ago
Every Saturday we feature content from some of our favorite writers on the web. Greg Boose has spent hard time on a host of comedy sites like McSweeney's, Yankee Pot Roast, Monkeybicyle, The Big Jewel and others, winning awards for Best Satirist and the like. He writes for the Huffington Post and is the Chicago editor for BlackBook Magazine. You can read some of his stuff by going to gregboose.com.
A fair and clear termination policy can be the difference between an exciting work environment that encourages growth, and whatever the opposite of that is. Nowhere is this clearer than in the professional relationship between the Decepticon leader, Megatron, and his subordinate, Starscream. As a service to budding executives and, more importantly, Megatron, we've combed through the entire Transformers catalog to find five examples of Starscream's behavior that should not be tolerated by any executive.
#1.
5:35 Into the First Episode of the TV Series
The Situation
Upon hearing that their enemies, the Autobots, are planning to scour the universe for an energy source, Starscream tells Megatron: "The Autobots would have lost eons ago if I'd been calling the shots." He follows that statement up with: "My time will come, Megatron."
Suggested Course of Action
It's best to address a situation before it gets out of hand. At this point, just five minutes into the first episode of the show, Megatron should have already been asking himself if it was worth keeping Starscream on as a member of the team.
The answer is clear. Megatron has many employees who are willing to listen to his orders without politicking for more power. He should have immediately terminated Starscream and had him escorted from the premises by Shockwave and Thundercracker. Or alternatively, he could have shot him in the back of the head with his huge arm cannon.
#2.
10:30 Into The Same Episode
The Situation
After four million years, a volcanic eruption brings the Decepticons back to life with the aid of fix-it robots on the Autobot ship that crashed on Earth. Once all the Decepticons are fully functional, Starscream begins firing his arm laser aimlessly at the valley below.
Suggested Course of Action
One should never confront an erratic, potentially violent employee alone. Megatron needs to attempt to develop a workplace environment that fosters trust among existing employees and management, and to do so he cannot tolerate loose cannons such as Starscream.
For sensitivity purposes, Megatron should have taken Starscream off the premises and fired him privately in order to preserve the Decepticon's dignity. Failing that, Megatron may have considered waiting until Starscream turned around so that he could shoot him in the back of the head with his enormous arm cannon.
#3.
15 Seconds Later, Same Episode
The Situation
After disobeying Megatron's orders to stop shooting aimlessly in the valley below, Starscream unwittingly hits the mountainside which holds the Autobots's crashed ship. The falling rocks engage the little fix-it robots inside and, before long, all the Autobots are repaired and again determined to protect the universe against the Decepticons.
Suggested Course of Action
We would have loved to move on to another episode, but Starscream once again delivers a shining example of behavior that warrants dismissal. His insolence has directly resulted in bringing back the Autobots, creating hostile competition for energon in the marketplace and reanimating a stalwart force hell-bent on undoing everything that the Decepticons attempt. Megatron, if he were to have physical evidence of Starscream's monumental mistake, would not only be within his rights to immediately terminate the Decepticon's services, but he would also have been within his rights to rip Starscream apart, piece by annoying piece, with his ginormous hands.
#4.
12:29, Same Fucking Episode
The Situation
While out with Soundwave and Rumble to wrestle up some materials for their new Earth base, Starscream informs Rumble that someday he will be giving the orders. Rumble laughs, saying that Megatron is too strong and that Starscream will never be their leader. Starscream responds by speculating that he "will find a way. Everyone has a weakness."
Suggested Course of Action
We're not getting out of this episode are we? He's suggesting mutiny, a hostile takeover. Ideally, Rumble would document Starscream's words and report back to Megatron. It should be noted that since he's a cassette tape, he easily could have recorded the threats and played them back to Megatron through Soundwave's chest cavity.
But you can't count on your employees to report such misdeeds when you've allowed them to happen right in front of you (see examples 1-3). Megatron may want to consider waking the fuck up and recognizing that Starscream is a cancer who tries to poison relationships. Seriously, just blast him in the back of the head. Or in the face. Whatever. Just get rid of him.
#5.
19:45 Into, You Guessed It, The First Episode
The Situation
Megatron transforms, for the first time, into his gun form and allows Starscream to shoot him at the incoming Autobots. Of course, he misses with all three fucking shots.
Suggested Course of Action
OK, this is the last straw. Megatron, seriously. We're starting to think that the problem is you. Why the hell would you jump into Starscream's hands? The one guy on your team who consistently undermines your authority and attempts to overthrow your leadership? And then he blows it by not connecting with a single fucking Autobot? We're not so sure he was actually shooting as much as trying to choke you to death.
The mere fact that he's still around is ridiculous, but then you go and trust him when the Autobots are bearing down on you and your precious energon cubes? Dumb. Fucking dumb. You keep Starscream around and you'll be replaying this same scenario for years to come, in thirty-minute intervals no doubt.
To find out how you can relive your favorite Saturday morning cartoons in real life, check out 5 Insane Devices From Kids Cartoons (That Actually Exist). Or find out about some terrible live-action cartoons in The 10 Most Disastrous Saturday Morning Cartoon Adaptations.
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Very insightful analysis. It seems the Decepticons Human Resources Department has built a very strong case as to why Starscream should've been fired as early as 1984. Too bad they took 28 freaking years to present this evidence. It has has now been 7 YEARS since Galvatron famously said, "Here's a hint." And blew Starscream to smithereens!
ReplyCompletely unacceptable...fire the whole HR staff!!
Try harder.
Replyyeah, throughout the show starscream is a dick and he keeps getting away with. But hey, it was the 80s, nothing made sense back then
Replysince the first day lord megatron laid his optics on the seeker, he has been insanly possesive of starscream. starscream is in many word's megatrons whippingboy, as long as he gets the slag beat out of him on a daily basis, the other decepticons dont have to deal with the brunt of their lords temper. megatron would never let starscream go no matter what he does, in the words of lord megatron "you belong to me" and that is what he constantly has to remind the dimwhitted starscream ^_^
ReplyStarscream is nothing, There's an episode of The Smurfs in Season 1 where Puppa Smurf goes away for just a little while, and when he gets back, Brainy Smurf has re-named himself "King Smurf" and the village is in civil war.
ReplyAnd unlike Starscream, brainy Smurf is supposed to be a good guy... I think, isn't he?
Megatron should have at the very least written up starscream, that kind of behavior should not be tolerated by any evil enterprise. If one more offense he should have fired him....In the back of the head lol.
ReplyThe part of the back of the head shot kept cracking me up hahaha had to bring it up one more time
ROFL!!! Favorite line in the article: "Why the hell would you jump into Starscream's hands?"
ReplyStarscream is a secret Autobot agent whose mission is to bring down the Decepticons from within. That's why he screws up so many of their schemes. There's no explanation for why Megatron hasn't killed him for his 'treachery'.
ReplyMegatron has killed Starscream more than once. In the more recent Transformers Animated series Megatron kills him anywhere between 1 and 10 times an episode for a full season (Starscream had an allspark fragment stuck in his head so he couldn't stay dead). I think Megatron killed Starscream in the movie that ended the original series. Starscream dies a lot so I may have missed some examples.
Fuuuuuuck
Replymeeeeee
Megs is just looking for a chance to stick that wrist cannon up Starcream's tailpipe and pull the trigger.
ReplyOh, and the pistol Megs transforms into is a Walther P-38 9mm.
They still make this weapon today, and it used to be the official West German Army sidearm (as the P-1).
Megs, however, was changed into an M1A1 Abrhams tank when the anti-gunners PM&Bed about a character in a kid's cartoon being modeled after a handgun.
And the wrist cannon is actually the weapon's telescopic sight.
--RKJ
Why isn't Soundwave second in command?
ReplyHey even Megatron tries not to hit the "special" ones.
Replygalvatron didnt make the same mistake, killin star scream was the first thing he did.
ReplyNot like it really worked though.
Bay's movies would'a been so much better if he fully embraced the hate-triangle between Megatron, Starscream and Optimus Prime. And gave up on human "characters".
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesNothing can save a Michael Bay movie.
Except Val Kilmer, Robert De Niro, and Al Pacino.
Oh, and Daniel Day-Lewis
Of course Michael Bay never directed a movie with Val Kilmer, De Niro and Pacino. That was Michael Mann. But whatever you said is cool too :P
Hahahaha!
ReplyI let out a big laugh at the office and everyone was looking at me with big O_O.
Nice Article!
This left me ROFLing for several minutes.
ReplyStarscream always made me smile with all his failed attempts in overthrowing Megatron. Good times.
We all know Starscream is Megatron's one and only true friend. (?)
i think u spelled SOUNDWAVE wrong
Rampop, ass-kissers aren't considered true firends.
they didn't kick him off for obvious reasons, they would have had to stop coming up with new versions of starscream. You know how toy companies work, first they do the original, then they do some lame power-up version, then some cool reboot.
ReplyWhich is why they finally killed him in the first animated movie, because they were killing off all the original cast, to make room for a new (and most likely expensive) line-up of characters. Thank god everyone cried at that idea, so we'd have a chance for reboots!
You have to remember that the original transformers, as glorious as it was, was practically a thirty minute toy commercial, when you get down to the basics.
you are aware this is a humor site, right?
u mad? (both of you)
i never did understand why megatron transformed into a gun at all, isnt his enormous arm cannon more powerful than a tiny lazer gun?
Replythe decepticons were originally pulled from another (i think) japanese show different from the one the autobots were pulled from. in it, the decepticons were good-guys who transformed into household appliances (that's why soundwave and co are a boombox and cassettes etc) to protect the kids from danger. like the article i read initially asked though, what sort of a kid keeps an old-school nazi pistol at hand?!
Actually they were originally pulled from a Japanese toy line that had no backstory at all. Just giant robots that turned into stuff. We Americans have only ourselves to blame for Starscream's continual attempts to get himself slagged by Megatron.
I remember in Transformers: Armada Megatron actually wised up and kicked Starscream to the curb, causing Starscream to join the Autobots for a while.
ReplyIs that when that happened? I always remembered Starscream as being desperate to kill Megatron. Like every time the Autobots were like, "K, dudes, we're infiltrating the Decepticons today." Starscream would immediately be like, "Omgggggg, leave Megatron to me! I must destroy him! Nobody understands me!" and Optimus Prime would be all, "Dude, chill the f**k out. Nobody is killing anyone. We don't do that s**t over here."
Maybe Megatron keeps Starscream around as a lesson for the rest of the Decepticons in case they decide to mutiny against him
Reply