The 7 Most Useless Transformers Ever

By CRACKED Staff July 3, 2007 246,686 views

Ah, the '80s. They gave us so much: Reagan, crack, AIDS, cocaine, Huey Lewis-the list goes on. But most importantly, the '80s gave us poorly designed cartoons that inspired us to become Dino-Riders, travel through the Spiral Zone or try and defy God's natural order and transform into a semi truck. To make sure we'd know exactly what to be angry at Michael Bay about, we went back to the cartoon to polish up on our Transformers chops. We were surprised to find that, just like dad, not all of the Transformers were as badass as we'd thought when we were younger. In fact, some of them were downright useless. Below is a rundown of the most pointless of them all.

#7.

Soundwave

Transforms into: A cassette player

Why is he useless?

Soundwave looks like he should be 100 percent badass, until you get to know him. He can read minds, intercept and block radio transmissions and is one of the strongest Transformers around; no easy task when all of your peers are enormous robots.

You stop liking/fearing/respecting Soundwave, however, when you realize that he uses all of his robot powers for the sole purpose of spying on his fellow Decepticons to detect mutiny. Seriously, he quietly hangs around his evil pals, waits for them to take issue with one of Megatron's orders and then records the shit out of it.

The other downside to Soundwave is that, when he's not out being a giant robo-narc, he's a motherfucking cassette player. We stopped needing a cassette player in like the early '90s. Can you even name a single person who owns a cassette tape anymore? If we want some tunes, we can just use the mp3 player on our niece's camera phone.

Did you hear that, Soundwave? Our 7-year-old niece's camera phone is a more impressive Transformer than you.

#6.

Wheelie

Transforms into: A "Cybertron" car

Why is he useless?

If the above insane Japanese animation is any indication, Wheelie's special robot powers lie in his ability to drink too much and pal around with young boys. We had a Transformer just like him at our old middle school. He was a janitor and he paid us in Yodels, because we were good at keeping secrets.

Don't think for a second that Wheelie's only job is to get out-drunk by a 10-year-old boy, though. He also speaks in rhyme! So ... there's that.

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130 Comments

you can always tell when toy companies are running out og idea's when they let something like Repugnus. I was actually waiting to see if the star wars transformers.

10/25/2009 2:50:20 PM

TitusBullis

No way. The coolest one is one that turns into scrotum. Obviously.

7/26/2009 7:17:57 PM

Nude_Antagonist

I think we all know whos the coolest transformer!? STARSCREAM motherf*%#ers!

7/21/2009 6:01:28 AM

Starscream

What? Man Wheelie is racist man!

Look at him, he's just a derogatory robot version of a black man. I'm totally offended!

lol

7/10/2009 7:52:56 AM

manleyart

I like to imagine that when the detective/ car Nightbeat) is in car form he is a normal sized car, also, decidedly *not* wearing a trenchcoat :P

Then again, judging by the Wheelie footage anything is possible.

Also when there's a character like Wheelie in the running debating on Nightbeat seems like an excercise in... i don't know, nit-picking the familiar to distract from the incredibly strange? There has to be a term for what I'm trying to say.

7/2/2009 7:39:20 PM

bigdaddyjeffc

I know what Repugnus is supposed to be. Brundlefly!

6/29/2009 3:42:14 PM

RE_Pangaea

Hey, Soundwave is the reason why the great war started (ok it was Ratbat, really he used to be a senator,) Ratbat was the one who closed the mine Megatorn worked at, for money of course, Megatorn now jobless join a robot hobo death area, were he saw how the Autobots elite are keeping the blue collar bots down, which Soundwave of course gave them their weapons hired the Seekers and help plain the revoit, which was all plain by Ratbat so he can make more money and kill senators he didn't like.

plus he blackmails his fellow decepticons

6/25/2009 10:38:34 PM

715

The odd thing about the spam-filled comments section is that every user beneath "blooddawn5" has been blocked or deleted or whatever. But there's a handful of real comments between the spam (yes I looked at them all) whose writers have also been deleted... is it an accidental/on purpose mass-deletion by the site staff, or did every real commenter on this article later commit some crime that got them banned to, making it look like they were banned with the spammers...? Oh cracked, you're so filled with mystery and wonder!

6/25/2009 7:28:23 PM

ka_la_la_lira

SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM BAKEDBEANS SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM

Seriously, this is just insane. Why the f**k would anyone want to go to Singapore?

6/25/2009 6:46:24 AM

o8643

Holy motherchucking balls of fire! That spam is outta control! May they forever burn in s****y hell with their cheap flights to... Singapore!

3/18/2009 11:11:59 AM

ErinDeidre

what about counterpart? An autobot/decepticon pair that turn into, get this EACH OTHER!!

Youd' think that sooner or later both versions of that dumbass would be K.O.S. on both sides, but noooooo.

2/26/2009 6:36:01 AM

wdh4185

The roman gladiators do suck for not using guns.

2/4/2009 5:11:50 AM

Doomsauce

Soundwave really doesn't belong on the list. Yes, he tranformed into a tape player, but dissing him for that is like Roman Gladiators for not using guns in their fights- context matters. Also, don't forget that without Soundwave we'd have no Laserbeak, no Ravage, no Rumble and no Frenzy, as they were Soundwave's minions.
I'm not going to post here my argument that Soundwave was in fact the real leader of the deceipticons, as it's far too long to post in someone else's comments section, but I will mention that I have the Soundwave MP3 player.

9/28/2008 12:51:35 AM