A modern Celt.

So, Were They Really So Bad?

Hey, remember Braveheart? And how batshit insane Wallace's army looked with their faces painted blue?

Well, the Celts would sometimes paint themselves blue and fight completely naked. Just because. One would assume that fighting in the nude would present some rather sensitive targets to one's enemies (we're talking about their nuts), but it seems that the Celts were so frigging manly that they just didn't care. It was the ultimate insult: "I am not afraid of you, and to prove it, I have just laid my dong on your sword."

So, Were They Really So Bad?

Yes. Yes they were. Did we mention the cannibalism? After they removed your heart and threw you down the stairs, they'd eat your arms and thighs, and whatever other bits looked tasty (the nuts? We do not know).

Some historians think that nourishment was the main reason behind all of this willy-nilly human sacrifice, as the Aztecs had no domesticated animals to slaughter, and as such their diet was low in fat and animal-stuff. You know how it is if you've ever had a roommate try a vegetarian diet. It's just a matter of time until you start waking up with teeth marks on your extremities.

And that's not even the bad part. The Aztecs held themselves to a high standard and for every situation they asked, "Could we make this more gut-wrenchingly gruesome?" So, for instance, during the sacrifice to the fire god, a newly-wed couple would be tossed into, you guessed it, a fire. Then, right before they finally died (from their horrendous burns), they'd drag them out, flesh still smoking, and dig out their hearts.

Wait, it gets better! There was the offering to the earth goddess, which involved a young woman's skin being removed and worn around like a Silence of the Lambs-style serial killer flesh suit.

On one hand you might ask why none of the Aztecs thought this was odd. On the other hand, if somebody had an objection to the ceremonies we're guessing they kept that shit to themselves.

Luckily for them (and unluckily for everyone else), just as that loveable sports team will sooner or later stumble upon secret weapon, a magic dog with an unusual aptitude for kicking field goals perhaps, after a couple of hundred years of being constantly harassed by more powerful nations, the Assyrians came across their own secret weapon. No, it wasn't Emilio Estevez, but it was nearly as powerful.

It was iron. The Assyrians were the first people to start using iron weapons instead of bronze which, to put into a modern perspective, is sort of like showing up for a knife fight with the Death Star. Using iron made the Assyrians so near-invincible that, really, the other guys might as well have been swinging around bananas.

So, Were They Really So Bad?

Well, in a word, yes. Here's a cheery little quote from King Ashurnasirpal, who spent much of his spare time baking cherry pies for the homeless and teaching the neighborhood kids how to correctly adjust their bike helmets:

"I built a pillar over against his city gate, and I flayed all the chief men who had revolted, and I covered the pillar with their skins; some I walled up within the pillar, some I impaled upon the pillar on stakes, and others I bound to stakes round the about the pillar; many within the border of my own land I flayed, and I spread their skins upon the walls; and I cut off the limbs of the officers, of the royal officers who had rebelled."

"And then I was thinking about slap boxing with a lion, but only if there's time."

Ever have one of those days when you just wanted to get out of the house and flay somebody? Yep, you're probably a sociopath.

Sure, we understand that intimidation was how invading armies ended wars before they started, that this kind of psychological warfare was crucial for a conquering army. But reading that up there, we're pretty sure the Assyrians just enjoyed it.

All it took was one movie, and now everybody knows the ancient Spartans weren't the kind of guys you'd want to invite to your fancy cheese-tasting party. They'd probably stumble in, mock you for not being a full-time member of the military, then impale all of your guests with spears. Not to mention they'd eat all your fancy cheeses.

And you know what? It wasn't just a movie. That thing at the beginning of 300 where they'd toss all imperfect babies off the cliff, letting them splatter on the rocks below? They really did that. But first they would bathe the newborn in wine, to see if it was strong enough to survive. That's right; being a Spartan meant you had to handle your damned liquor right out of the damned womb.

So, Were They Really So Bad?

Every single Spartan male was a soldier. Every other job was done by slaves; the Spartan men were warriors and that was that. They fought until they could finally retire at the age of 60 (about the equivalent of living to 400 years old today).

Of course if you lived to be that ripe old age, were a good father and scholar and all-around great guy, too bad. You didn't even get a headstone when you died, you didn't deserve it. The only Spartans who got marked headstones were the ones who died in battle, during victory. Think you're a war hero? Well, if you're still alive that meant you still weren't hero enough for Sparta.

Look at how alive they all are. Pathetic.

Oh, and if you lost your shield during battle, you got the death penalty. A true soldier would have gone back to get it, or died trying.

If we (or the movie) make them sound like heroes, well you have to know about those slaves we mentioned earlier. The Spartans beat their slaves... by law. We don't mean the law allowed them to beat the slaves, we mean the law required it.

Things could get a lot worse for slaves, though. As a sort of coming of age holiday, there was an occasion every year upon which the young Spartan men were encouraged to sneak around and murder as many slaves as they could, without having to feel bad about it. If you didn't murder anybody, they probably called you gay.