5 Reasons Megatron Should Have Fired Starscream Years Ago


Every Saturday we feature content from some of our favorite writers on the web. Greg Boose has spent hard time on a host of comedy sites like McSweeney's, Yankee Pot Roast, Monkeybicyle, The Big Jewel and others, winning awards for Best Satirist and the like. He writes for the Huffington Post and is the Chicago editor for BlackBook Magazine. You can read some of his stuff by going to gregboose.com.

A fair and clear termination policy can be the difference between an exciting work environment that encourages growth, and whatever the opposite of that is. Nowhere is this clearer than in the professional relationship between the Decepticon leader, Megatron, and his subordinate, Starscream. As a service to budding executives and, more importantly, Megatron, we've combed through the entire Transformers catalog to find five examples of Starscream's behavior that should not be tolerated by any executive.

5:35 Into the First Episode of the TV Series

The Situation

Upon hearing that their enemies, the Autobots, are planning to scour the universe for an energy source, Starscream tells Megatron: "The Autobots would have lost eons ago if I'd been calling the shots." He follows that statement up with: "My time will come, Megatron."

Suggested Course of Action

It's best to address a situation before it gets out of hand. At this point, just five minutes into the first episode of the show, Megatron should have already been asking himself if it was worth keeping Starscream on as a member of the team.

The answer is clear. Megatron has many employees who are willing to listen to his orders without politicking for more power. He should have immediately terminated Starscream and had him escorted from the premises by Shockwave and Thundercracker. Or alternatively, he could have shot him in the back of the head with his huge arm cannon.

10:30 Into The Same Episode

The Situation

After four million years, a volcanic eruption brings the Decepticons back to life with the aid of fix-it robots on the Autobot ship that crashed on Earth. Once all the Decepticons are fully functional, Starscream begins firing his arm laser aimlessly at the valley below.

Suggested Course of Action

One should never confront an erratic, potentially violent employee alone. Megatron needs to attempt to develop a workplace environment that fosters trust among existing employees and management, and to do so he cannot tolerate loose cannons such as Starscream.

For sensitivity purposes, Megatron should have taken Starscream off the premises and fired him privately in order to preserve the Decepticon's dignity. Failing that, Megatron may have considered waiting until Starscream turned around so that he could shoot him in the back of the head with his enormous arm cannon.

15 Seconds Later, Same Episode

The Situation

After disobeying Megatron's orders to stop shooting aimlessly in the valley below, Starscream unwittingly hits the mountainside which holds the Autobots's crashed ship. The falling rocks engage the little fix-it robots inside and, before long, all the Autobots are repaired and again determined to protect the universe against the Decepticons.

Suggested Course of Action

We would have loved to move on to another episode, but Starscream once again delivers a shining example of behavior that warrants dismissal. His insolence has directly resulted in bringing back the Autobots, creating hostile competition for energon in the marketplace and reanimating a stalwart force hell-bent on undoing everything that the Decepticons attempt. Megatron, if he were to have physical evidence of Starscream's monumental mistake, would not only be within his rights to immediately terminate the Decepticon's services, but he would also have been within his rights to rip Starscream apart, piece by annoying piece, with his ginormous hands.

12:29, Same Fucking Episode

The Situation

While out with Soundwave and Rumble to wrestle up some materials for their new Earth base, Starscream informs Rumble that someday he will be giving the orders. Rumble laughs, saying that Megatron is too strong and that Starscream will never be their leader. Starscream responds by speculating that he "will find a way. Everyone has a weakness."

Suggested Course of Action

We're not getting out of this episode are we? He's suggesting mutiny, a hostile takeover. Ideally, Rumble would document Starscream's words and report back to Megatron. It should be noted that since he's a cassette tape, he easily could have recorded the threats and played them back to Megatron through Soundwave's chest cavity.

But you can't count on your employees to report such misdeeds when you've allowed them to happen right in front of you (see examples 1-3). Megatron may want to consider waking the fuck up and recognizing that Starscream is a cancer who tries to poison relationships. Seriously, just blast him in the back of the head. Or in the face. Whatever. Just get rid of him.

19:45 Into, You Guessed It, The First Episode

The Situation

Megatron transforms, for the first time, into his gun form and allows Starscream to shoot him at the incoming Autobots. Of course, he misses with all three fucking shots.

Suggested Course of Action

OK, this is the last straw. Megatron, seriously. We're starting to think that the problem is you. Why the hell would you jump into Starscream's hands? The one guy on your team who consistently undermines your authority and attempts to overthrow your leadership? And then he blows it by not connecting with a single fucking Autobot? We're not so sure he was actually shooting as much as trying to choke you to death.

The mere fact that he's still around is ridiculous, but then you go and trust him when the Autobots are bearing down on you and your precious energon cubes? Dumb. Fucking dumb. You keep Starscream around and you'll be replaying this same scenario for years to come, in thirty-minute intervals no doubt.

To find out how you can relive your favorite Saturday morning cartoons in real life, check out 5 Insane Devices From Kids Cartoons (That Actually Exist). Or find out about some terrible live-action cartoons in The 10 Most Disastrous Saturday Morning Cartoon Adaptations.

And stop by Cracked.com's Top Picks because who wants to go outside on the weekend anyway?.

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