The internet seems destined to change democracy forever. Anyone can stand up in support of their candidate, and have their voice heard by millions... no matter how fucking insane they are.
So, every election season the web is filled with cringe-worthy videos in "support" of a candidate who, we're guessing, regret the day their supporters figured out how to work a camera. We're talking about videos like...
In this thoughtful piece, motherfuckin' Diddy shares his motherfuckin' thoughts on Sarah fuckin' Palin.
A rapper as a campaign supporter is a dicey proposition, but on the short list of rappers who would seem to make for a decent endorsement, Diddy is right near the top.
He's got a ton of cash, he's fairly well respected as a businessman, and he tends to let other rappers do his shooting for him. Unfortunately, he also has a video blog.
The premise of the video is simple: "John McCain is fuckin' up!" That's not a summary, that's a direct quote. It seems Diddy is unimpressed with McCain's decision to select Sarah Palin as his running mate. In presenting his argument against Sarah Palin, he makes the obvious "lack of experience" point that everyone else does. But then, he brings some new arguments into the fray. Among his politically savvy speaking points:
"I don't know if there's any black people in Alaska."
"You would let her keep your kids?"
"There's not even no crackheads in Alaska!"
Diddy has a point, Article Two of the United States Constitution clearly states that to be president you must be a natural born citizen, at least 35 years old and have been a permanent resident in a crack infested area of the United States for at least fourteen years. Until this is amended to include meth, Sarah Palin just doesn't qualify. It's also important to note that Diddy makes all of these arguments while inexplicably spinning around in circles the whole time. There may not be crackheads in Alaska, but if this video is any indication, there may be one on the loose in the Hamptons.
McCain supporters are often unfairly stereotyped as being rednecks. It's because of this guy.
Another fine endorsement from the world of music, this time courtesy of John Rich, one half of the duo responsible for "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy." For those of you at work, or with too much good sense to actually watch the video: Imagine those Monday Night Football videos that Hank Williams Jr. does every week. Got it? Cool. Now imagine Hank is singing exclusively about the team most likely to lose the game. That's "Raising McCain."
Speaking of raisins, this woman is old! Pow!
Lest you ever think McCain supporters don't know how to party, this video has everything you need to have a rocking good time. Including...
...menacing facial hair...
...a legendary air fiddle/real fiddle combo solo...
...and of course, party loving midgets!
We bet that elitist Obama doesn't have midgets at his party (bad DNC/Dennis Kucinich jokes notwithstanding).
As much fun as everyone appears to be having, we have to question the thinking behind this particular video. Is "we're all just raising McCain" really the catch phrase you want to use in support of a candidate so quickly approaching his nursing home years? Raising McCain might work as a sitcom about baby-boomers caring for their incontinent father. But we'd be more comfortable with a chorus along the lines of, "we're all just sitting around chillin' while our able bodied president handles shit." A real songwriter could craft a decent tune out of that.
Obama supporters are often unfairly stereotyped as being flamboyant homosexuals. It's because of this guy.
Barack Obama already has a pretty decent number of A-Listers on his side. If this video is any indication, he's got the B-List vote on lockdown also. We weren't even sure who the dude rapping was, so we asked our friend Google. He doesn't know either. We do know he used to be signed to Kanye West's record label and he apparently used that to trick at least one real celebrity into appearing in the video.
Above: Kanye West, presumably moments before his security staff intervenes.
According to the lyrics of the song (all two of them), the gentleman rocking the mic is also "hood," which is clearly displayed in the picture below.
TI$A: pushing the Crips "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy to its absolute limit.
To his credit, TI$A understands that a no name rapper spouting the same two lyrics over a run-into-the-ground Isley Brothers sample isn't going to be enough to put his guy in the White House. So he's enlisted the help of some famous friends, including one of the unimportant dudes from The Black Eyed Peas and, um, some other people.
Can you name the celebs in this picture? (Hint: there are none.)
He also manages to catch former Yo! MTV Raps host Fab Five Freddy driving through the wrong part of Los Angeles at the wrong time. That should help.
Fab Five Freddy: the Reginald Denny of shitty Obama videos.
If it means no more songs like this, by all means, drill wherever the hell you please.
In most cases, you can take any given demographic and, with a fair amount of accuracy, predict who they are going to vote for. Not so with the god-awful-amateur-musician voting bloc. In the last entry, we met some dude who kind of raps and supports Obama. In this video from some cat that supports McCain, we get a painful slice of shitty nu-metal that makes Limp Bizkit sound like The Beatles.
Despite what the title may suggest, "It's Time To Drill" isn't a song about boning. Instead, the devil horns are being raised in favor of offshore drilling. Yeah, you read that right, now are you ready to rock?!?!? No? Well, this is awkward.
But it's not all just terrible tunes going on in this clip. Sure, this guy is a serious musician; he wouldn't be pointing his drumstick in front of those fancy green screen effects if he wasn't.
But he's also a comedian. Don't believe us? Well check this out...
Yep, he's farting in a gas tank. CLASSIC! Seriously, the whole video is exactly...that...funny.
Luda got somethin' to say!
Let's set the scene. You're a world famous rapper and you've just found out that a presidential candidate has a lot of your songs in his iPod. How do you react? Do you:
A. Send him a thank you note and pledge your support in the upcoming election?
B. Go on record as being appreciative of the support while maintaining that you are still weighing the issues before you decide who you'll be voting for?
C. Record a profanity laced rap song that immediately results in said candidate condemning you and your words?
Obviously, the only correct answer is C. You're a rapper, that's just how you get down. Awesomely, this very scenario played itself out recently when, after hearing that Barack Obama was a fan, Ludacris recorded "Obama Is Here," the song featured in this video. You would think it would be difficult to top the poor choice of words used in that Diddy video listed a few entries back. You would be wrong. In fact, things get so out of hand that Obama had to release a statement sticking up for Hillary Clinton, John McCain, Jesse Jackson and George Bush all in one fell swoop. So what did Luda say that was so bad? Well...
"Hillary hated on you so that bitch is irrelevant."
"Jesse's talking slick and apologizing for what? If you said it then you meant it, how you want it head or gut?"
"McCain don't belong in any chair unless he's paralyzed."
"Bush is mentally handicapped."
C'mon Luda, you're not going to get away with calling Hillary Clinton a bitch without pissing off hoes in all sorts of area codes. Naturally, the Clinton camp immediately called for Obama to denounce the lyrics and "distance himself from Ludacris." Because, you know, up to that point it was hard to think about Obama without thinking about Ludacris also. Of course, Obama did denounce Ludacris and the song, saying, among other things, "while Ludacris is a talented individual he should be ashamed of these lyrics." Obama also absolutely did not go on to say, "'Move Bitch' is still my jam though."
Barack Obama's ability to inspire (god-awful music) is, um, inspiring.
Something about Barack Obama just makes people want to hit the studio. Without exception, the results are always pretty horrific. See Will.I.Am's Obama video, for example. But he got Scarlett Johanssen to appear in his video, so we'll watch that shit no matter how bad it is.
This clip, however, comes to us from Dave Stewart, one half of the 80's duo The Eurythmics. And it features a cameo from Whoopi Goldberg. And where Will.I.Am just based his song around an Obama speech, Dave actually wrote up some lyrics. This all adds up, unsurprisingly, to an infinitely less pleasurable listening and viewing experience.
Whoopi Goldberg: less fun to look at than Will.I.Am.
Being that Stewart is from England, it's tempting to write this song off as a long forgotten musician desperately trying to get his name back into the public consciousness. That is, until the video begins and you see that he is sitting on a stool while he sings. This, as everyone knows, means he's sincere. He doesn't even get up to dance with fellow Brit Joss Stone. We'd be damned if we passed on a chance like that. Dave Stewart clearly means business.
Dave Stewart and Joss Stone: totally in the same room together.
In addition to what is easily the most overbearing Obama tribute of all time, this video also features some of the most awkward lip syncing cameos ever caught on tape. Like this one featuring George Costanza.
Jason Alexander: this is his biggest job in years.
But by far, the most hilariously awkward cameo comes from Forest Whitaker. Typically, Academy Award nominations aren't handed out for performances in music videos. But nobody told him that. We haven't seen Forest Whitaker pour out this much emotion since he found out his girlfriend was a dude in The Crying Game.
He's singing about the sky, you see.
This year, we're voting for Autotune.
If this election was being decided based on how many shitty songs have been written about each candidate, Obama would easily take the popular vote. He's had way more musical atrocities committed in his name than McCain. With that said, "Raining McCain" by the McCain Girls would be worth enough votes on its own to give McCain the electoral vote by a landslide.
Or something like that. What we're getting at is this...holy shit! This "It's Raining Men" parody sounds less like a pro-McCain anthem and more like audio evidence presented by the prosecution in the Michael Vick dog slaying trial. You could watch five straight seasons of American Idol auditions and not hear off-key yowling like this.
Unbelievably, as bad as the singing is, it's very possible that the special effects are even worse. For example, it shouldn't take a Hollywood director to tell you that, when appearing in front of a green screen, try to avoid wearing green. This information was not passed on to the Edith Bunker looking chick on the left.
McCain has the floating head vote locked down.
And of course, the song is called "Raining McCain," so the makers of this video would be remiss if they didn't make it rain McCain on them hoes.
With all this McCain around, nobody will notice if they eat just a few.
In a rarely seen on YouTube, the lead McCain girl posted another video to reprimand the many, many people making fun of this video. In her words, "it's a video, you watch it, you enjoy it, you move the hell on. You don't sit there and rant and rave about it." Yep, that's exactly how the internet works.
After a list of unauthorized propaganda, we arrive at a video from the McCain campaign itself, in which they make fun of Obama for...being awesome?
Campaign attack ads are a pretty lawless game, but if any rules do apply, surely "don't make your opponent look like our country's only hope for the future" would have to be one of them. With "The One," the John McCain camp violates that made up rule of ours in a major way. The whole fiasco starts off with a promise that, in 2008, the world will be blessed.
Blessed? Man, screw that noise.
To drive the threat home, the video then cuts to Obama inspiring the shit out of throngs of adoring fans before hitting us with more blessings...
Seriously, not on our watch.
And what appears to be 75% of the Earth endorsing Obama...
Things finally wind down with THE question. "Barack Obama...he may be the one, but is he ready to lead?" After watching this "attack" ad concocted by the McCain campaign, we aren't sure if Obama is ready to lead, but we are pretty sure he can turn water into wine, and that's way fucking cooler.
When not busy organizing his 2012 Presidential campaign, Adam writes at ScenicAnemia.com
Find out why Cracked feels dirty about this article in Elexploitation: 9 Shameless Ways People Milked the Election. Or for unhelpful endorsements not put to music, check out 6 Celebrity Endorsements Obama Should Have Turned Down and The 5 Most Clearly Insane Public Figures Endorsing McCain.
It's hard out there for millionaire purveyors of garbage pizza.